I am liking your script. However, the moment when she figures out she is being a bitch and stuff is kinda lame. Everything else is pretty funny, you have some cute moments. I love your main character, I also love your dream casting for her. I see her being this punky tattooed chic too. I think Mark is too dull, he needs a little spice. It will help make him more lovable. Also, Clara is underwhelming next to your lead. I would add something quirky to her personality. I believe once you fully hash out the plot problems it will come together nicely.
Good first start - I am excited for your next draft
Thanks for reading and your feedback, Liz. Yeah, Cara calling Gemma out really turns into a very special episode of Full House, with swearing. Nonetheless, I think I have a way to solve some of the problems that came up in class.
Before I get to that, do you have any suggestions to punch up Mark and Cara? Up until this last draft, Mark was Marcello and was this suave Italian dude, but that kind of character I could imagine moving on from Gemma without missing a step. Then he morphed into this uber-sweet, kind of dorky attorney, like the character I mentioned in my FJ from How I Met Your Mother. I don't know if you've ever seen the show, but the Marshall character, IMO, is fantabulous. One of the best things about him (again, IMO) is that he sings everything he's doing, e.g.: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRHD3X-wLAE&feature=related. I almost lifted this quirk because I make up stupid little songs too. However, I was trying to not completely emulate Marshall in Mark. As for, Cara, I am thinking perhaps she could use a lot of portmanteaus. Since she is based more on me than any other character, I think it could work. I LOVE blending words into new ones (as seen above), even if no one knows what I’m talking about.
Now, here are my solutions for what Adam and Haley brought up in class:
1. The scene before Gemma cuts Mark's hair, I'm thinking that instead of watching TV, she’ll be outside smoking and drinking while on Mark’s phone, calling exes in order to find another place to stay. Like everyone else she called before, they turn her down. Hopefully, this will be enough to spur her (misdirected) anger at Mark and that leads to her cutting his hair.
2. When Cara finds Gemma in the classroom and blows up at her, I want to take Adam's suggestion of Gemma looking for a new place (which should fulfill her external goal) instead of working on an art project. So, she could be sleeping on one of those apartment rental books.
3. After that scene I want to take some advice Haley gave me after class and insert a payoff with the toothbrush. In a short scene, Gemma is touring a model apartment (the ones that are staged). When the leasing person shows her the bathroom, she sees two toothbrushes, one in her favorite color. She’ll pick it up and that could be her epiphany. At that moment she will realize that now she has absolutely no one; at the risk of sounding cliché, no wo/man is an island. On a somewhat related note, I’d like to add that my dad and I have decided that he’ll make cameos in all of my films from here on out. I was going to make him the voice of Gene at Palms Place, but the apartment guide role is even better; he will be ecstatic to be on screen. This is our nod to the Master of Suspense, Mr. Alfred Hitchcock. ☺
4. Before Gemma goes to Mark, I think she needs to make amends with Cara, but I don’t know how to do this without being hokey. In this scene, Gemma should tell Cara that she is, “grateful for her calling her out on her shit,” because my best friends always do that for me.
I have one last question out of sheer curiosity. Are you all getting my TV/movie references? There are a few visual and audio ones that I haven’t included in the script, but as of the fifth draft, I’ve counted nine. A few are pretty obscure, but I just want to know if any of my homages are coming through.
Ok so first off I must say that the little jokes that are thrown in here and there are really funny I like them and think that you should keep all of them. I agree with Liz, this is a very well written script, and I see that it has a ton of potential.
My issues with it are as follows, I feel that yours as well as most of the scripts that I have read so far have the same issue. They are all like a kids story, meaning that the build up is great and exciting it has the reader thinking damn this is some good stuff something epic is about to happen, and then the story ends with oh um i dont know what to say so......they live happily ever after the end. I feel like the beginning and middle are way too good to have it end like that so I would say my only comment is that you need to find a bit more of a complex ending, I dont think that she would realize and admit her faults so quickly.
FMJ Feedback: I want to start by saying that your casting selections are awesome and that I could see a film with those actors playing the roles. On a side note your FMJ is very plain and I think it would benefit from being converted into a powerpoint or something else with a bit more color and better layout.
Cool story, I especially liked some of the transitions you included in the first half of your screenplay. The only thing I would like to comment on, as far as constructive criticism goes, is that the dialogue on pages 9 & 10, when Mark and Gemma are in the heat of their argument, seems a little too sophisticated for the couple based on how they've interacted before this struggle.
I like the resolution of Cara telling her friend off, although the reaction generated by Gemma is one of immediate acceptance, and, in my experience, real a-holes don't like to admit they are mistreating others.
Other that those two things, I enjoyed reading through your script, you have a good moral and message, and some unique visualizations to communicate them both to the audience.
Hey Lauren, Thought that you had a very unique voice in your script and you know your character's pretty well. It's fun and quirky and I already can tell what it's going to look like. It's been said a little bit already but it seams like instead of showing a true progression of the main character to change her mind, you have one speech completely change who she is. I think she needs something like getting with another guy who doesn't treat her right to recognize how good he was. Your casting ideas were awesome. Especially for Mark because I thought he was just like Jason Seagull's character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I like the ending... I don't love it. As it is now I don't feel she really learned her lesson so I don't want him to take her back. I think if you drag out her progression into learning her lesson the audience will want him to take her back more.
Yay score one for the guys! (joke LOL). But on a serious note, very good work. I think it drags a little bit, but in the end I was really into the story. Although some of the twists and turns are a bit predictable, I still enjoyed the dance until the very end. For starters, this girl obviously has issues. Obviously she has problems with her father, since he is having this relationship with this hot chick. In addition to this, we also find out that the mother lives in Seattle which also causes problems for her. What I am trying to get at is that you have made this character to be very complex and be full of problems, but then does a complete 180 in the end. All of a sudden she no longer wants to mooch off of her friend and she is very humble at the same time. I know jail can change a person, but I don't think that a few hours in a minimal security detention center is going to give her that much of an epiphany.
Going off of what Liz said, I was just frustrated with the character of Mark. I kept trying to figure him out to see if whether the fact that he was a push over was just an act or he was in reality just a tool. In the end, I never really got my answer. I know that feelings lead people to do things, even an educated lawyers, but he just not react consistently. At first I thought he was being passive, making her feel like she was in control, but then he really makes himself vulnerable. As a result, the whole time I was reading your script I was thinking WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS "KID"!
Lastly, I would like to address your character names. Because of your comments in class, I am going to assume that you paid a great deal of attention to this part of your character development. However, I was then just focusing in the significance behind everything, rather than the story. For starters, your choice of Gema. The reference to gems as a valuable item, meanwhile this girl seems to be worthless, was one that I picked up immediately. Next was Care-A aka Cara (or at least that was my way to pronounce it). This character definitely cares about Gema and is definitely accented with her name. These are simply my interpretations of these things and I was just putting them out there so you would know that I noticed, whether it was your intention or not.
Overall great job and I look forward to seeing the rest of your development.
Ps. On a consistency note, in the scene in which Mark is evaluating the lease and the eviction notice, I could not help but to thing that she has already shredded and discarded that.
Hey Lauren,
ReplyDeleteI am liking your script. However, the moment when she figures out she is being a bitch and stuff is kinda lame. Everything else is pretty funny, you have some cute moments. I love your main character, I also love your dream casting for her. I see her being this punky tattooed chic too.
I think Mark is too dull, he needs a little spice. It will help make him more lovable. Also, Clara is underwhelming next to your lead. I would add something quirky to her personality. I believe once you fully hash out the plot problems it will come together nicely.
Good first start - I am excited for your next draft
Thanks for reading and your feedback, Liz. Yeah, Cara calling Gemma out really turns into a very special episode of Full House, with swearing. Nonetheless, I think I have a way to solve some of the problems that came up in class.
ReplyDeleteBefore I get to that, do you have any suggestions to punch up Mark and Cara? Up until this last draft, Mark was Marcello and was this suave Italian dude, but that kind of character I could imagine moving on from Gemma without missing a step. Then he morphed into this uber-sweet, kind of dorky attorney, like the character I mentioned in my FJ from How I Met Your Mother. I don't know if you've ever seen the show, but the Marshall character, IMO, is fantabulous. One of the best things about him (again, IMO) is that he sings everything he's doing, e.g.: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRHD3X-wLAE&feature=related. I almost lifted this quirk because I make up stupid little songs too. However, I was trying to not completely emulate Marshall in Mark. As for, Cara, I am thinking perhaps she could use a lot of portmanteaus. Since she is based more on me than any other character, I think it could work. I LOVE blending words into new ones (as seen above), even if no one knows what I’m talking about.
Now, here are my solutions for what Adam and Haley brought up in class:
1. The scene before Gemma cuts Mark's hair, I'm thinking that instead of watching TV, she’ll be outside smoking and drinking while on Mark’s phone, calling exes in order to find another place to stay. Like everyone else she called before, they turn her down. Hopefully, this will be enough to spur her (misdirected) anger at Mark and that leads to her cutting his hair.
2. When Cara finds Gemma in the classroom and blows up at her, I want to take Adam's suggestion of Gemma looking for a new place (which should fulfill her external goal) instead of working on an art project. So, she could be sleeping on one of those apartment rental books.
3. After that scene I want to take some advice Haley gave me after class and insert a payoff with the toothbrush. In a short scene, Gemma is touring a model apartment (the ones that are staged). When the leasing person shows her the bathroom, she sees two toothbrushes, one in her favorite color. She’ll pick it up and that could be her epiphany. At that moment she will realize that now she has absolutely no one; at the risk of sounding cliché, no wo/man is an island. On a somewhat related note, I’d like to add that my dad and I have decided that he’ll make cameos in all of my films from here on out. I was going to make him the voice of Gene at Palms Place, but the apartment guide role is even better; he will be ecstatic to be on screen. This is our nod to the Master of Suspense, Mr. Alfred Hitchcock. ☺
4. Before Gemma goes to Mark, I think she needs to make amends with Cara, but I don’t know how to do this without being hokey. In this scene, Gemma should tell Cara that she is, “grateful for her calling her out on her shit,” because my best friends always do that for me.
I have one last question out of sheer curiosity. Are you all getting my TV/movie references? There are a few visual and audio ones that I haven’t included in the script, but as of the fifth draft, I’ve counted nine. A few are pretty obscure, but I just want to know if any of my homages are coming through.
So, that’s it. Sorry it I was too verbose.
Ok so first off I must say that the little jokes that are thrown in here and there are really funny I like them and think that you should keep all of them. I agree with Liz, this is a very well written script, and I see that it has a ton of potential.
ReplyDeleteMy issues with it are as follows, I feel that yours as well as most of the scripts that I have read so far have the same issue. They are all like a kids story, meaning that the build up is great and exciting it has the reader thinking damn this is some good stuff something epic is about to happen, and then the story ends with oh um i dont know what to say so......they live happily ever after the end. I feel like the beginning and middle are way too good to have it end like that so I would say my only comment is that you need to find a bit more of a complex ending, I dont think that she would realize and admit her faults so quickly.
FMJ Feedback:
I want to start by saying that your casting selections are awesome and that I could see a film with those actors playing the roles. On a side note your FMJ is very plain and I think it would benefit from being converted into a powerpoint or something else with a bit more color and better layout.
Lauren,
ReplyDeleteCool story, I especially liked some of the transitions you included in the first half of your screenplay. The only thing I would like to comment on, as far as constructive criticism goes, is that the dialogue on pages 9 & 10, when Mark and Gemma are in the heat of their argument, seems a little too sophisticated for the couple based on how they've interacted before this struggle.
I like the resolution of Cara telling her friend off, although the reaction generated by Gemma is one of immediate acceptance, and, in my experience, real a-holes don't like to admit they are mistreating others.
Other that those two things, I enjoyed reading through your script, you have a good moral and message, and some unique visualizations to communicate them both to the audience.
Hey Lauren,
ReplyDeleteThought that you had a very unique voice in your script and you know your character's pretty well. It's fun and quirky and I already can tell what it's going to look like. It's been said a little bit already but it seams like instead of showing a true progression of the main character to change her mind, you have one speech completely change who she is. I think she needs something like getting with another guy who doesn't treat her right to recognize how good he was. Your casting ideas were awesome. Especially for Mark because I thought he was just like Jason Seagull's character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I like the ending... I don't love it. As it is now I don't feel she really learned her lesson so I don't want him to take her back. I think if you drag out her progression into learning her lesson the audience will want him to take her back more.
Yay score one for the guys! (joke LOL). But on a serious note, very good work. I think it drags a little bit, but in the end I was really into the story. Although some of the twists and turns are a bit predictable, I still enjoyed the dance until the very end. For starters, this girl obviously has issues. Obviously she has problems with her father, since he is having this relationship with this hot chick. In addition to this, we also find out that the mother lives in Seattle which also causes problems for her. What I am trying to get at is that you have made this character to be very complex and be full of problems, but then does a complete 180 in the end. All of a sudden she no longer wants to mooch off of her friend and she is very humble at the same time. I know jail can change a person, but I don't think that a few hours in a minimal security detention center is going to give her that much of an epiphany.
ReplyDeleteGoing off of what Liz said, I was just frustrated with the character of Mark. I kept trying to figure him out to see if whether the fact that he was a push over was just an act or he was in reality just a tool. In the end, I never really got my answer. I know that feelings lead people to do things, even an educated lawyers, but he just not react consistently. At first I thought he was being passive, making her feel like she was in control, but then he really makes himself vulnerable. As a result, the whole time I was reading your script I was thinking WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS "KID"!
Lastly, I would like to address your character names. Because of your comments in class, I am going to assume that you paid a great deal of attention to this part of your character development. However, I was then just focusing in the significance behind everything, rather than the story. For starters, your choice of Gema. The reference to gems as a valuable item, meanwhile this girl seems to be worthless, was one that I picked up immediately. Next was Care-A aka Cara (or at least that was my way to pronounce it). This character definitely cares about Gema and is definitely accented with her name. These are simply my interpretations of these things and I was just putting them out there so you would know that I noticed, whether it was your intention or not.
Overall great job and I look forward to seeing the rest of your development.
Ps. On a consistency note, in the scene in which Mark is evaluating the lease and the eviction notice, I could not help but to thing that she has already shredded and discarded that.
ReplyDelete