Please read the new draft of my script if you have the time and provide feedback please :) Also, because the latest script is fairly new, I wasn't able to finish my FMJ in full detail in time. However, I still provided enough to give you all a good feel for the look (cinematography, production & costume designs) I'm going for. Thanks in advance everyone!
The changes you made throughout are both apparent are much better than your previous script. I feel that Ryuu’s struggle for his identity is made much more noticeable in this version. After speaking with you about certain points, the script makes more sense this time around. I really can’t offer any other feedback because I can’t think of anything else that needs to be changed. Overall – great script!
Yes, finally, your main character has a soul, hahaha, no but seriously its true, i feel like you did a great job, i can finally see the internal struggle, i think that the story finally tells what you wanted it to tell/show. Great job with the new draft and working with your writer, im excited to see what this film will look like and where you will end up shooting it. Like I said before I would love to be the editor on this project, so if you are interested let me know.
FMJ Comments: Very nice job with your FMJ, I am glad that you have a plan for your film and the way that you plan to shoot it, I agree with your choices especially on the lighting I think this film would be great if shot like amores perros. So are you actually planing on shooting this in japan? If so, that is awesome and will do wonders for your film. Again I would love to be the editor on this project, lets talk........
Just to clarify...I plan on shooting the interiors here and exteriors in Little Tokyo, LA or Japan Town, San Francisco as of right now.
My original and invincible idea was to shoot in Japan but now it makes more sense to do it this way and if my short goes well, my plan is to develop a feature-length to ACTUALLY shoot in Japan 5 years down to the road
Along with that, here are some questions I had on this draft in my FMJ in case you might have missed it:
1) First off, I went off and took a stab at writing the script. It’s generally the same storyline or similar, but with dramatic changes. I took and added some elements that represent my style and story I want to tell more. With this draft, I feel I have a better grasp of my film, but I’m not sure how it will be received to be quiet honest. Generally speaking, I just want to know if it works. I also want to know if there are any gaps I seem to be missing to you all as the readers/audience.
2) The “flashback” is the majority of the story and we come back to present time at the end for just a short amount of time. Does that work?
3) Do you feel the character has learned something and has “struggle” become more evident? or does there need to be more struggle?
I see that you made a lot of changes to your script, however, I am not sure how effective these changes really are. Although I know you are a better visual story teller, and these scenarios are probably played out perfectly in your mind, I feel like on paper, this whole story lacks depth now. One of my biggest concerns is the dialogue between Ryu and the girl. I think that conversation goes on for way too long, and in the end, does not seem to really fit into your script at all. They talk about meeting and liking each other, but then thats the end of it, and does not take the story anywhere. I think your new beginning has a lot of potential, especially because of the whole "say something in Japanese" thing which I know can get annoying. Whenever I go to Mexico and people find out I am a foreigner, I am constantly asked to say something in English and it is always super awkward. Again, I really think you have something going with this, but the changes later in the story didn't work too much for me. In the words of Adam, I did not really see your character go through a journey, and in the end I was not really feeling what your character felt. I think one of your problems, which I originally thought was going to benefit you, is that you are making this way too personal. Since we know each other a lot, I am able to pick up many of the references you give to your personal life. However, these references, although realistic in a sense, are not working to tell your story. I feel that now you are trying to retell experiences you have had in your life, and is conflicting with other aspects of your film. If you want to take this route and make a movie that is not driven by story, I think you have great potential for it, however, I don't think this is your intention and you should reconsider some of your elements.
As far as the look of your film, I think you should be a little careful. I don't know what Japan really looks like, but I think you should consider what your examples reflect. Amores Perros, is set in a very poor part of Mexico City (the most polluted city in the world), Requiem is not only about crazy people, but it is also set in a bad neighborhood. With this in mind, I would suggest to be careful with the message you are trying to convey with the look of your film. As I read your script and see you reference a beautiful blossom tree, I don't imagine a surreal unsaturated look with shots that cause me nausea. I think your film would benefit from a much cleaner look than your examples, and it is something that I know you can pull off. Although I know you and I are both big fans of Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, and we are both fond of his style, I think you should really look at what the themes of his movies are and how he uses his cinematography to accomplish this. By doing this, maybe you will reconsider a few things in your film making journal.
Andric, I like this version a lot better. I think that it is more effective. It is completely different from your first and i think you are on the way there. The flashback is good, but when I got to the end of the flashback I was like "oh wait I forgot I was in a flashback" I think its a little bit long, but I don't know if it works or not. It reminds me of the Princess Bride when he starts reading the book and it goes into the story and you forget that he is reading a book till it cuts back out. It works in that sense because it is a longer movie. I feel like the flashback can stand on its own.
I do like your characters more in this version though because I can see his struggle a little more prominently. Maybe you should have Ryuu get in a fight with Masato to create more conflict. I feel like some of the dialogue is a little cheesy like the "impostor" line.
Your FMJ is looking pretty good, i think you just need to fill out the rest of it. I am curious how you are going to use that rig you talk about. I would really like to see that rig.
Great intro change sir, I can really picture Ryuu with all his (friends). It leads into the original portion of the script much better than having him just show up at his Father's house.
Natsumi is also her own person now. She makes strong, convicted decisions and having her as a strong character adds to the intrigue of their relationship more than if she was a culturally dominated female.
Interesting ending, I didn't see that coming. It adds quite a bit to his character to just leave without saying goodbye, but it also means he's developed his own personal convictions about his life.
This draft is def a massive improvement over the last one. I was able to get a very clear sense of who the characters were and the ideas you were trying to get across.
I agree with Brooks when he said that you should try and create more conflict, like he said possibly have Ryuu get hit by Masato or something like that.
You'er smart for not attempting to shoot the short in Japan and in Cali instead. Will def be much easier to do.
Bad ass ending. Only issue was that she was sleeping on the last page when he was telling her the story. If she's awake at that point and they had just had sex I think it works better because then he's not talking to himself. MUCH MUCH better than your first draft. Any line that might sound strange in English was in Japanese which was the perfect fix. Awesome job, man. Solid script.
This draft is a vast improvement. I think framing your original story as a flashback works well and I like that he’s going to visit his mother. It gives him a little more of a tie to Japan. Also, showing him with his college friend accomplishes the same thing for his American side.
I also agree with Brooks and Ryan that a fight between Ryuu and Masato would add a little more tension.
Please read the new draft of my script if you have the time and provide feedback please :) Also, because the latest script is fairly new, I wasn't able to finish my FMJ in full detail in time. However, I still provided enough to give you all a good feel for the look (cinematography, production & costume designs) I'm going for. Thanks in advance everyone!
ReplyDeleteThe changes you made throughout are both apparent are much better than your previous script. I feel that Ryuu’s struggle for his identity is made much more noticeable in this version. After speaking with you about certain points, the script makes more sense this time around. I really can’t offer any other feedback because I can’t think of anything else that needs to be changed. Overall – great script!
ReplyDeleteYes, finally, your main character has a soul, hahaha, no but seriously its true, i feel like you did a great job, i can finally see the internal struggle, i think that the story finally tells what you wanted it to tell/show. Great job with the new draft and working with your writer, im excited to see what this film will look like and where you will end up shooting it. Like I said before I would love to be the editor on this project, so if you are interested let me know.
ReplyDeleteFMJ Comments: Very nice job with your FMJ, I am glad that you have a plan for your film and the way that you plan to shoot it, I agree with your choices especially on the lighting I think this film would be great if shot like amores perros. So are you actually planing on shooting this in japan? If so, that is awesome and will do wonders for your film. Again I would love to be the editor on this project, lets talk........
Just to clarify...I plan on shooting the interiors here and exteriors in Little Tokyo, LA or Japan Town, San Francisco as of right now.
ReplyDeleteMy original and invincible idea was to shoot in Japan but now it makes more sense to do it this way and if my short goes well, my plan is to develop a feature-length to ACTUALLY shoot in Japan 5 years down to the road
Along with that, here are some questions I had on this draft in my FMJ in case you might have missed it:
1) First off, I went off and took a stab at writing the script. It’s generally the same storyline or similar, but with dramatic changes. I took and added some elements that represent my style and story I want to tell more. With this draft, I feel I have a better grasp of my film, but I’m not sure how it will be received to be quiet honest. Generally speaking, I just want to know if it works. I also want to know if there are any gaps I seem to be missing to you all as the readers/audience.
2) The “flashback” is the majority of the story and we come back to present time at the end for just a short amount of time. Does that work?
3) Do you feel the character has learned something and has “struggle” become more evident? or does there need to be more struggle?
Thanks again guys :)
I see that you made a lot of changes to your script, however, I am not sure how effective these changes really are. Although I know you are a better visual story teller, and these scenarios are probably played out perfectly in your mind, I feel like on paper, this whole story lacks depth now. One of my biggest concerns is the dialogue between Ryu and the girl. I think that conversation goes on for way too long, and in the end, does not seem to really fit into your script at all. They talk about meeting and liking each other, but then thats the end of it, and does not take the story anywhere. I think your new beginning has a lot of potential, especially because of the whole "say something in Japanese" thing which I know can get annoying. Whenever I go to Mexico and people find out I am a foreigner, I am constantly asked to say something in English and it is always super awkward. Again, I really think you have something going with this, but the changes later in the story didn't work too much for me. In the words of Adam, I did not really see your character go through a journey, and in the end I was not really feeling what your character felt. I think one of your problems, which I originally thought was going to benefit you, is that you are making this way too personal. Since we know each other a lot, I am able to pick up many of the references you give to your personal life. However, these references, although realistic in a sense, are not working to tell your story. I feel that now you are trying to retell experiences you have had in your life, and is conflicting with other aspects of your film. If you want to take this route and make a movie that is not driven by story, I think you have great potential for it, however, I don't think this is your intention and you should reconsider some of your elements.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the look of your film, I think you should be a little careful. I don't know what Japan really looks like, but I think you should consider what your examples reflect. Amores Perros, is set in a very poor part of Mexico City (the most polluted city in the world), Requiem is not only about crazy people, but it is also set in a bad neighborhood. With this in mind, I would suggest to be careful with the message you are trying to convey with the look of your film. As I read your script and see you reference a beautiful blossom tree, I don't imagine a surreal unsaturated look with shots that cause me nausea. I think your film would benefit from a much cleaner look than your examples, and it is something that I know you can pull off. Although I know you and I are both big fans of Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, and we are both fond of his style, I think you should really look at what the themes of his movies are and how he uses his cinematography to accomplish this. By doing this, maybe you will reconsider a few things in your film making journal.
Andric,
ReplyDeleteI like this version a lot better. I think that it is more effective. It is completely different from your first and i think you are on the way there. The flashback is good, but when I got to the end of the flashback I was like "oh wait I forgot I was in a flashback" I think its a little bit long, but I don't know if it works or not. It reminds me of the Princess Bride when he starts reading the book and it goes into the story and you forget that he is reading a book till it cuts back out. It works in that sense because it is a longer movie. I feel like the flashback can stand on its own.
I do like your characters more in this version though because I can see his struggle a little more prominently. Maybe you should have Ryuu get in a fight with Masato to create more conflict. I feel like some of the dialogue is a little cheesy like the "impostor" line.
Your FMJ is looking pretty good, i think you just need to fill out the rest of it. I am curious how you are going to use that rig you talk about. I would really like to see that rig.
QB,
ReplyDeleteGreat intro change sir, I can really picture Ryuu with all his (friends). It leads into the original portion of the script much better than having him just show up at his Father's house.
Natsumi is also her own person now. She makes strong, convicted decisions and having her as a strong character adds to the intrigue of their relationship more than if she was a culturally dominated female.
Interesting ending, I didn't see that coming. It adds quite a bit to his character to just leave without saying goodbye, but it also means he's developed his own personal convictions about his life.
Nicely done.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey Andric,
ReplyDeleteThis draft is def a massive improvement over the last one. I was able to get a very clear sense of who the characters were and the ideas you were trying to get across.
I agree with Brooks when he said that you should try and create more conflict, like he said possibly have Ryuu get hit by Masato or something like that.
You'er smart for not attempting to shoot the short in Japan and in Cali instead. Will def be much easier to do.
Bad ass ending. Only issue was that she was sleeping on the last page when he was telling her the story. If she's awake at that point and they had just had sex I think it works better because then he's not talking to himself. MUCH MUCH better than your first draft. Any line that might sound strange in English was in Japanese which was the perfect fix. Awesome job, man. Solid script.
ReplyDeleteAndric,
ReplyDeleteThis draft is a vast improvement. I think framing your original story as a flashback works well and I like that he’s going to visit his mother. It gives him a little more of a tie to Japan. Also, showing him with his college friend accomplishes the same thing for his American side.
I also agree with Brooks and Ryan that a fight between Ryuu and Masato would add a little more tension.