Hey just a quick note, don't feel like you need to sugarcoat anything when giving me feedback. This script still needs a lot of work and I need to hear what still isn't working. You won't offend me - promise :-)
I like the changes you've made. I think it will help that you start with the ending standoff because it will make the story work a bit better. Some of the stuff with Lucious is new right? If it's not then I'm just remembering wrong but if it is new I like how that scene works a lot better.
I really can't think of anything to tell you as far as what isn't working. I'm still a bit unsure of the dream sequences but that's probably just a problem of me reading it wrong. Everything seems to be working in the way that your intending it to work.
Your FMJ is really good and detailed and helped me get a better understanding of your ideas.
After looking at the cinematography and design for your movie, I am finally getting a true feel for your story. I was initially confused with the vision you had, but now it is a bit clearer. In addition to this, I feel like the locations you chose are very awesome as well as manageable. Picking Bisbee as one of your locations will really give your feel the feel you want. I think your vision of a desert, Kill Bill compliment this city well. I think the use of saturation in showing your character will be very beneficial, especially with the type of clothing that you plan to dress her in. I think the audience will easily know that she does not belong with these people and really get the fact that she is an Elite. As far as the Elite go, I think that your new script really helps distinguish the importance and significance of this group. The opening scene prepares you throughout and now the viewer is kind of in on the secret which makes everything else more understandable. Lastly I think the changes to claude really make him an important character in this draft, especially since he knows the secret that we are in on. Now not only the audience is more involved, but also the other supporting character.
So what ever question or confusion I had, your FMJ explained it all, so first of I must say your FMJ is excellent and will be very useful to you while you are in production and when you are trying to explain your vision to others, so good job on utilizing this tool to its fullest.
As for the script itself, I had a few parts where I was confused the first time around, and I addressed those in our class session, and I feel like you went through and fixed all of the issues, I am glad to see that you actually took what we said and fixed those specific areas. So i would say that I now fully understand the script with one exception, to agree with what Ryan said the dream sequence still confuses me a bit, but I feel that it might be one of those things that works the right way once it is shot, meaning that I might just not understand it because I am reading it but would if I could see it visually. All in all great changes you definitely too a step forward.
Previously I had said I was a little confused as to what an “Elite Scar” was, but although you didn’t really add anything else I think that I understand it a little better on the second read through. With that said, I think maybe you should add something to better explain or hint to what it is, otherwise you run the risk of causing some of the audience to not understand what it is during their first viewing of your film.
Although I love how the movie takes place in the past, I still feel like it’s going to be difficult for you to pull off. If this were a feature film and you had the necessary budget at your disposal it would be easy for you but I’m just worried you’re going to have trouble finding the necessary locations as they were described in the script. Maybe you can switch up some of the descriptions or locations to make it a little easier on you.
You didn’t really change or add anything, and despite my two little quips that I’ve already mentioned my original opinion regarding your film and the ending still stands.
First off, great job on your FMJ. It really helps me understand the look and feel of the film you're striving to create. Stylistically, I really respect your vision and ambition.
I like the idea of having the titles be wanted posters and propaganda postings! cool stuff.
Great balance of dialogue and action. After reading your script through I realize how well it plays together. There are times when I think your script is dialogue heavy, but that's probably only because I like so much action.
Liz, Great film journal. It filled in a lot of the gaps for me as far as what the world looks like. I completely agree with all of your references. Especially "The Fall". That movie did an awesome job at creating a new world and I think you were able to pick out what it did to accomplish that.
MUCH better script. Bounty Hunter becomes as important as a character as he should be and we finally see some of the fucked up stuff her parents were doing. With that said, I think you need to illustrate the great injustice they were doing. How do they "kill an innocent man"? I want them to brutally kill a man for doing something minor and then kill his children as well... something along those lines. Think of how you feel towards the characters in the bicycle thief. Maybe something minor like steeling a bike but then both he and the boy are punished cruelly. Firing squad maybe? We need to hate her parents regime.
I love the traqedy of the ending but I don't think her last words and the last words of the film should be "I didn't intend...". Examine her character and figure out how to compliment the height of tragedy of her dying at this moment.
Maybe it's just me and you don't have to take this advice but I think it would be a nice touch if both of them died in the end. Claude kills Delia then Bounty kills Claude. They lie next to each other dead on the ground.
Over all, looking really nice. I think there are still a couple of emotions that will be difficult to come up on screen (i.e. "Delia is certain of what Mika will say next, but she is unsure if she wants to believe it.") but those are just minor issues.
Liz, I understand the ELITES now!. I think that it is much better. It makes sense and I think that it greatly improves the script. great ending too, I think that it is a great script.
For your FMJ i really think you have a very good grasp on the style you want. I think that your choice of shots and color in representing the ELITES and such will make your film very stylistic. It seems like you know exactly the mood you are trying to achieve.
Going scene by scene and explaining your choices will help you out greatly when you begin to film. I would like to see your story boards soon!
Great job, good examples. I think it is going to turn out great.
Hey just a quick note, don't feel like you need to sugarcoat anything when giving me feedback. This script still needs a lot of work and I need to hear what still isn't working. You won't offend me - promise :-)
ReplyDeleteHey Liz,
ReplyDeleteI like the changes you've made. I think it will help that you start with the ending standoff because it will make the story work a bit better.
Some of the stuff with Lucious is new right? If it's not then I'm just remembering wrong but if it is new I like how that scene works a lot better.
I really can't think of anything to tell you as far as what isn't working. I'm still a bit unsure of the dream sequences but that's probably just a problem of me reading it wrong. Everything seems to be working in the way that your intending it to work.
Your FMJ is really good and detailed and helped me get a better understanding of your ideas.
Liz,
ReplyDeleteAfter looking at the cinematography and design for your movie, I am finally getting a true feel for your story. I was initially confused with the vision you had, but now it is a bit clearer. In addition to this, I feel like the locations you chose are very awesome as well as manageable. Picking Bisbee as one of your locations will really give your feel the feel you want. I think your vision of a desert, Kill Bill compliment this city well. I think the use of saturation in showing your character will be very beneficial, especially with the type of clothing that you plan to dress her in. I think the audience will easily know that she does not belong with these people and really get the fact that she is an Elite. As far as the Elite go, I think that your new script really helps distinguish the importance and significance of this group. The opening scene prepares you throughout and now the viewer is kind of in on the secret which makes everything else more understandable. Lastly I think the changes to claude really make him an important character in this draft, especially since he knows the secret that we are in on. Now not only the audience is more involved, but also the other supporting character.
So what ever question or confusion I had, your FMJ explained it all, so first of I must say your FMJ is excellent and will be very useful to you while you are in production and when you are trying to explain your vision to others, so good job on utilizing this tool to its fullest.
ReplyDeleteAs for the script itself, I had a few parts where I was confused the first time around, and I addressed those in our class session, and I feel like you went through and fixed all of the issues, I am glad to see that you actually took what we said and fixed those specific areas. So i would say that I now fully understand the script with one exception, to agree with what Ryan said the dream sequence still confuses me a bit, but I feel that it might be one of those things that works the right way once it is shot, meaning that I might just not understand it because I am reading it but would if I could see it visually. All in all great changes you definitely too a step forward.
Previously I had said I was a little confused as to what an “Elite Scar” was, but although you didn’t really add anything else I think that I understand it a little better on the second read through. With that said, I think maybe you should add something to better explain or hint to what it is, otherwise you run the risk of causing some of the audience to not understand what it is during their first viewing of your film.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I love how the movie takes place in the past, I still feel like it’s going to be difficult for you to pull off. If this were a feature film and you had the necessary budget at your disposal it would be easy for you but I’m just worried you’re going to have trouble finding the necessary locations as they were described in the script. Maybe you can switch up some of the descriptions or locations to make it a little easier on you.
You didn’t really change or add anything, and despite my two little quips that I’ve already mentioned my original opinion regarding your film and the ending still stands.
Liz,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, great job on your FMJ. It really helps me understand the look and feel of the film you're striving to create. Stylistically, I really respect your vision and ambition.
I like the idea of having the titles be wanted posters and propaganda postings! cool stuff.
Great balance of dialogue and action. After reading your script through I realize how well it plays together. There are times when I think your script is dialogue heavy, but that's probably only because I like so much action.
Such a tragic ending. I like it!
-Neal
Liz,
ReplyDeleteGreat film journal. It filled in a lot of the gaps for me as far as what the world looks like. I completely agree with all of your references. Especially "The Fall". That movie did an awesome job at creating a new world and I think you were able to pick out what it did to accomplish that.
MUCH better script. Bounty Hunter becomes as important as a character as he should be and we finally see some of the fucked up stuff her parents were doing. With that said, I think you need to illustrate the great injustice they were doing. How do they "kill an innocent man"? I want them to brutally kill a man for doing something minor and then kill his children as well... something along those lines. Think of how you feel towards the characters in the bicycle thief. Maybe something minor like steeling a bike but then both he and the boy are punished cruelly. Firing squad maybe? We need to hate her parents regime.
I love the traqedy of the ending but I don't think her last words and the last words of the film should be "I didn't intend...". Examine her character and figure out how to compliment the height of tragedy of her dying at this moment.
Maybe it's just me and you don't have to take this advice but I think it would be a nice touch if both of them died in the end. Claude kills Delia then Bounty kills Claude. They lie next to each other dead on the ground.
Over all, looking really nice. I think there are still a couple of emotions that will be difficult to come up on screen (i.e. "Delia is certain of what Mika will say next, but she is unsure if she wants to believe it.") but those are just minor issues.
Liz,
ReplyDeleteI understand the ELITES now!. I think that it is much better. It makes sense and I think that it greatly improves the script. great ending too, I think that it is a great script.
For your FMJ i really think you have a very good grasp on the style you want. I think that your choice of shots and color in representing the ELITES and such will make your film very stylistic. It seems like you know exactly the mood you are trying to achieve.
Going scene by scene and explaining your choices will help you out greatly when you begin to film. I would like to see your story boards soon!
Great job, good examples. I think it is going to turn out great.