Enjoyed the little intro that you added to the beginning of the script, this time I actually feel like I know what is going on in the script whereas last time I was pretty confused. The first voice over that you do with Maria after Nick has bitten her about her virginity is kind of cheesy, I actually chuckled a little bit, not sure if that’s what you were going for but that’s how it came off. I can’t remember if the scene where Nick stabs the immigrants in the trunk to death in your first draft but I really enjoyed it, it’s quite disturbing. It seems like you added a lot with regards to Nick and Maria discussing exactly what they are, it’s really good and clues the audience into what is happening a lot better than the first draft did. You changed basically the entire ending of your movie, which in my opinion is a lot better and enjoyable than your first draft. With this draft I’m not confused like I was with the first one and I especially loved the twist at the end of this one!
This draft is much improved over the previous one. I like the new setup as it's more interesting. I also really like what you did with the scene in the desert with the truck full of illegals, that whole sequence works much better. I also like the new ending and it seems like it sums up what you're trying to say more clearly.
Jesus, I like this draft a lot better. It is going to be very difficult to get images of the border and crowds as large as this, but I think you can probably pull it off. I thought that this draft was a lot easier to follow than the last one. I could definitely tell what was going on much more than the last.
Your FMJ looks good, however I think that you could go into a little more depth when it comes to specific scenes and specific cinematography. It would give a better basis not only for you, but for others. I can see what you are going for, but I am not sure about the details. It looks like you do have some good ideas though.
Yes!! Now it makes sense, I agree with Ryan it finally feels like you are getting your point across with this draft, much improved over the previous one. I feel like this one is more believable, the last one felt like a bit of a stretch, (I think the beginning of this version helps a ton with that.)
Also I agree with Brooks I worry about the difficulty of the border and crowd shots, I say good luck and I hope that you are able to get them. If so I think this will be a very good film.
Jesus, First let me say this version of your script reads much more smoothly than the previous version, second, I enjoyed the voice over commentary much more in this draft as it seemed incredibly poetic and not stale at all. The "She is a woman" line made me laugh.
Overall I think this script is more simplified, and therefore, the message is not lost in detail or obscurity. I think your audience will feel as though their intelligence is assumed, but will also be able to follow the main plot points without getting a headache. Well done.
Enjoyed the little intro that you added to the beginning of the script, this time I actually feel like I know what is going on in the script whereas last time I was pretty confused. The first voice over that you do with Maria after Nick has bitten her about her virginity is kind of cheesy, I actually chuckled a little bit, not sure if that’s what you were going for but that’s how it came off. I can’t remember if the scene where Nick stabs the immigrants in the trunk to death in your first draft but I really enjoyed it, it’s quite disturbing. It seems like you added a lot with regards to Nick and Maria discussing exactly what they are, it’s really good and clues the audience into what is happening a lot better than the first draft did. You changed basically the entire ending of your movie, which in my opinion is a lot better and enjoyable than your first draft. With this draft I’m not confused like I was with the first one and I especially loved the twist at the end of this one!
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ReplyDeleteHey Jesus,
ReplyDeleteThis draft is much improved over the previous one. I like the new setup as it's more interesting. I also really like what you did with the scene in the desert with the truck full of illegals, that whole sequence works much better. I also like the new ending and it seems like it sums up what you're trying to say more clearly.
Jesus, I like this draft a lot better. It is going to be very difficult to get images of the border and crowds as large as this, but I think you can probably pull it off. I thought that this draft was a lot easier to follow than the last one. I could definitely tell what was going on much more than the last.
ReplyDeleteYour FMJ looks good, however I think that you could go into a little more depth when it comes to specific scenes and specific cinematography. It would give a better basis not only for you, but for others. I can see what you are going for, but I am not sure about the details. It looks like you do have some good ideas though.
Yes!! Now it makes sense, I agree with Ryan it finally feels like you are getting your point across with this draft, much improved over the previous one. I feel like this one is more believable, the last one felt like a bit of a stretch, (I think the beginning of this version helps a ton with that.)
ReplyDeleteAlso I agree with Brooks I worry about the difficulty of the border and crowd shots, I say good luck and I hope that you are able to get them. If so I think this will be a very good film.
Jesus,
ReplyDeleteFirst let me say this version of your script reads much more smoothly than the previous version, second, I enjoyed the voice over commentary much more in this draft as it seemed incredibly poetic and not stale at all. The "She is a woman" line made me laugh.
Overall I think this script is more simplified, and therefore, the message is not lost in detail or obscurity. I think your audience will feel as though their intelligence is assumed, but will also be able to follow the main plot points without getting a headache. Well done.
-Neal