So it doesn’t look like you changed anything in your second draft. I feel like the story has a lot of potential but you just need to flesh it out more and develop it and also get rid of a lot of the beginning stuff. We understand that he doesn’t want to be taking this trip and that he really wants more cigarettes but we don’t need to hear about this for your entire script because it gets repetitive and overall will bore your audience. I feel like if you keep a few scenes about how he doesn’t want to be traveling and really needs his cigs and then develop the story in more depth when they actually arrive at the treatment center it will be more enjoyable and can also be more comedic.
I have to agree with Turbo in the sense that you kept many things the same. I think it's good that you are sticking to your story, but I really don't think the current structure is working. I think the stakes are just not as high as the audience would feel and because of this, the emotions aren't shown as much. Again, I have never been addicted to cigs or anything so I have no idea what it's like, but I would like to feel more of a connection with the main character in his moment of desperation.
Brooks, Yeah what Jesus is saying is spot on, I really like the story, and I think it flows well and allows for some great imagery, but the issue that I have with it is the fact that the stakes are just not high enough, Its like ok so what if he doesnt get his cigs, it doesnt seem like that big of a deal, I want to feel the pain that he is going through, I saw this movie once where everyone was hot and feeling claustrophobic, and while watching the film I was made to feel the same way, I think that that is what your film needs, the audience needs to feel uneasy because of the withdrawals just like your character.
Brooks, I like the way you re-arranged the events in the beginning, it adds quite a bit of realistic perspective and depth. The fact that Sal is looking for his laptop bag, and that his smokes were in that bag plays a lot better than him just being upset because she didn't bring his stuff. I would advise you to make his "last cigarette" in the car a memorable experience, or emotional on some level, just because it really is an emotional moment for a smoker.
Good banter with the store clerk, seems like you changed it up a little bit, it didn't feel as organic last time as it does now. Pretty funny stuff. I think it will play well. I'm curious to know exactly what you changed, but the script seems like it flows better, and is more natural. Keep it up!
So it doesn’t look like you changed anything in your second draft. I feel like the story has a lot of potential but you just need to flesh it out more and develop it and also get rid of a lot of the beginning stuff. We understand that he doesn’t want to be taking this trip and that he really wants more cigarettes but we don’t need to hear about this for your entire script because it gets repetitive and overall will bore your audience. I feel like if you keep a few scenes about how he doesn’t want to be traveling and really needs his cigs and then develop the story in more depth when they actually arrive at the treatment center it will be more enjoyable and can also be more comedic.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Turbo in the sense that you kept many things the same. I think it's good that you are sticking to your story, but I really don't think the current structure is working. I think the stakes are just not as high as the audience would feel and because of this, the emotions aren't shown as much. Again, I have never been addicted to cigs or anything so I have no idea what it's like, but I would like to feel more of a connection with the main character in his moment of desperation.
ReplyDeleteBrooks,
ReplyDeleteYeah what Jesus is saying is spot on, I really like the story, and I think it flows well and allows for some great imagery, but the issue that I have with it is the fact that the stakes are just not high enough, Its like ok so what if he doesnt get his cigs, it doesnt seem like that big of a deal, I want to feel the pain that he is going through, I saw this movie once where everyone was hot and feeling claustrophobic, and while watching the film I was made to feel the same way, I think that that is what your film needs, the audience needs to feel uneasy because of the withdrawals just like your character.
Brooks,
ReplyDeleteI like the way you re-arranged the events in the beginning, it adds quite a bit of realistic perspective and depth. The fact that Sal is looking for his laptop bag, and that his smokes were in that bag plays a lot better than him just being upset because she didn't bring his stuff. I would advise you to make his "last cigarette" in the car a memorable experience, or emotional on some level, just because it really is an emotional moment for a smoker.
Good banter with the store clerk, seems like you changed it up a little bit, it didn't feel as organic last time as it does now. Pretty funny stuff. I think it will play well. I'm curious to know exactly what you changed, but the script seems like it flows better, and is more natural. Keep it up!