To start off with, I enjoy all the changes you have made but feel that the story is just too long. When I think about all the dialogue that needs to be said and all the actions that need to occur I think it could turn out to be 35-40 minutes altogether. If that’s the length that you want then go for it.
Also, I found lots of misspellings and such. Now I know that it isn’t a big deal because the audience will not see the script but as a reader, it takes me out of the experience.
The changes in the ending are what I enjoyed the most. I really like how you brought it all together into a nice little Christmas package (pun intended) to show the relationship of father and son. The watch being in the box and his father gazing at him simply work for me. I really enjoyed this draft much better and can’t wait to see this on screen!
To start I agree with turbo, way too many spelling mistakes that made the script a bit of a pain to read. I would say fix those asap because they take the reader (and potentially your actors) out of the story.
As for the script itself, i am glad that you took the advice from the class well and that you redid the ending, I can agree with turbo that the new ending works and makes the story that much better, especially if you make the christmas tree just look awfully put back together (maybe some tape???).
And finally, again I will have to agree with turbo the story has gotten a bit long, and I worry that it might drag on, especially if it isnt edited properly. I fear that it might turn out like Ryan's directing film on the first cut it was funny but just dragged on a bit, I know that he eventually saved it with a better edit, but I think you should try to do some trimming before you shoot.
FMJ Comments: Great job showing visually the style that you are going for. All I have to say is that if you film this like A Christmas Story, this will be the best film ever.......
I really like the changes you made to the script. I feel that you are really taking everyones considerations in order to make your movie better. As far as the ending, I feel it works much better this way. With this version, you really emphasize the compromise between the father and the son and in the end both of them seem to learn a lesson. When I saw your reference to Home Alone I thought your story had a great deal of similarities to it. In Home Alone 2, Kevin just wants to celebrate Christmas and refuses to go to Florida where there is no snow or Christmas tree. Although this is a different type of story than yours, in the end he learns about the importance of family, which is similar to what your character has to learn in the end. More importantly, I like your choice of using this movie as a reference for the look of your movie. Even today, I really like the 1990's look that Home Alone has to offer, and I think your vision of making this film look like 16mm would really give your movie that look. After looking at the rest of your examples, for instance the scene at the school, I felt that it was very similar to what I imagined while I was reading it. Lastly, I think the additions made to your script really help your character development and make things a lot more meaningful. The watch, for example, becomes more important in this version and with this, really emphasizes the importance of it in the end.
Barry, Really nice changes. Obviously there are a bunch of spelling issues that need to be taken care of. There are a bunch of great moments in this movie. Take it or leave it, I thought it would be funny if there was a fat kid in the class when they were all revolting who said "Let My People Go." Not sure what being fat would add to it but fat kids are funny.
I have no notes about the Cinematography or Costumes. Both look perfect for the type of movie you want to make. Not sure how easy it will be to make something look like 16 mm if you shoot on digital but I believe it can be done.
It does seem a little long but there are enough interesting moments that I was never bored so I'm alright with it.
(like everyone else said) I think the changes are appropriate and thoroughly developed.
I really would love your help w/ my dialogue, yours seems to be so natural.
Religion has always been a touchy subject in my family, so the fact that Howard talks to his Grandfather in such condescending tones is purely nostalgic for me. Nicely written. The dad still seems to have anger issues, but I've never met a dad that didn't.
Great idea to put the present under the tree w/ the star of David. It's great to see the dad apologize and compromise rather than just be resistant to his son's opinions and feelings.
I also think that all or your changes make the script a lot better. Your dialogue has definitely improved too.
One thing that still bothers me is the baptism scene. I know it services the rest of the script, but that is just not realistic at all. A 10 year old kid cannot just go and get a baptism. It takes family and others, it is a big ordeal and needs more too it. I just can't see that actually happening, but I can see how it can ruin the rest of the film. I do not know what to do about this, but I just don't see that happening.
Good job, just work on the typos and such too.
Your FMJ is looking great I think that you have a good grasp on what you want. In my head those examples are almost exactly what I was thinking.
Like everyone else, I really enjoy the new ending. The compromise made the family seem even more real to me. The tree being all wonky after being put back together is funny and the Star of David on top was a nice touch too.
I really only have one little nitpick. When Mark asks what Howard was thinking bringing home a Christmas tree, I felt like Howard would have some kind of smarty-pants remark. Maybe something like how Christmas trees were originally a Pagan symbol.
This is definitely a better draft Barry! The ending really worked for me this time. Dealing with religions is obviously a touchy subject but I felt you went the safe route with the ending, while not necessarily letting your story go. The confrontation and compromise drew me more into the story as well. One question though, are you intending this film on being more than 10-15 minutes? If not, I'm not sure what would be needed to take out. Overall, this draft has a much better flow and each scene leads to the next quite nicely.
**I'm not necessarily worried about misspelling or grammar errors because I know that can be an easy fix
As far as your FMJ, I really loved the detail you used. And the visuals really brought your film to life for me- especially the pictures from "A Serious Man." However, I feel as though you need to explain every picture or film reference as Collis stated in class. It almost looks as though you just threw pictures in there to beef up your FMJ, although I'm sure that wasn't your intention.
To start off with, I enjoy all the changes you have made but feel that the story is just too long. When I think about all the dialogue that needs to be said and all the actions that need to occur I think it could turn out to be 35-40 minutes altogether. If that’s the length that you want then go for it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I found lots of misspellings and such. Now I know that it isn’t a big deal because the audience will not see the script but as a reader, it takes me out of the experience.
The changes in the ending are what I enjoyed the most. I really like how you brought it all together into a nice little Christmas package (pun intended) to show the relationship of father and son. The watch being in the box and his father gazing at him simply work for me. I really enjoyed this draft much better and can’t wait to see this on screen!
To start I agree with turbo, way too many spelling mistakes that made the script a bit of a pain to read. I would say fix those asap because they take the reader (and potentially your actors) out of the story.
ReplyDeleteAs for the script itself, i am glad that you took the advice from the class well and that you redid the ending, I can agree with turbo that the new ending works and makes the story that much better, especially if you make the christmas tree just look awfully put back together (maybe some tape???).
And finally, again I will have to agree with turbo the story has gotten a bit long, and I worry that it might drag on, especially if it isnt edited properly. I fear that it might turn out like Ryan's directing film on the first cut it was funny but just dragged on a bit, I know that he eventually saved it with a better edit, but I think you should try to do some trimming before you shoot.
FMJ Comments: Great job showing visually the style that you are going for. All I have to say is that if you film this like A Christmas Story, this will be the best film ever.......
Barry,
ReplyDeleteI really like the changes you made to the script. I feel that you are really taking everyones considerations in order to make your movie better. As far as the ending, I feel it works much better this way. With this version, you really emphasize the compromise between the father and the son and in the end both of them seem to learn a lesson. When I saw your reference to Home Alone I thought your story had a great deal of similarities to it. In Home Alone 2, Kevin just wants to celebrate Christmas and refuses to go to Florida where there is no snow or Christmas tree. Although this is a different type of story than yours, in the end he learns about the importance of family, which is similar to what your character has to learn in the end. More importantly, I like your choice of using this movie as a reference for the look of your movie. Even today, I really like the 1990's look that Home Alone has to offer, and I think your vision of making this film look like 16mm would really give your movie that look. After looking at the rest of your examples, for instance the scene at the school, I felt that it was very similar to what I imagined while I was reading it. Lastly, I think the additions made to your script really help your character development and make things a lot more meaningful. The watch, for example, becomes more important in this version and with this, really emphasizes the importance of it in the end.
Barry,
ReplyDeleteReally nice changes. Obviously there are a bunch of spelling issues that need to be taken care of. There are a bunch of great moments in this movie. Take it or leave it, I thought it would be funny if there was a fat kid in the class when they were all revolting who said "Let My People Go." Not sure what being fat would add to it but fat kids are funny.
I have no notes about the Cinematography or Costumes. Both look perfect for the type of movie you want to make. Not sure how easy it will be to make something look like 16 mm if you shoot on digital but I believe it can be done.
It does seem a little long but there are enough interesting moments that I was never bored so I'm alright with it.
Barry,
ReplyDelete(like everyone else said)
I think the changes are appropriate and thoroughly developed.
I really would love your help w/ my dialogue, yours seems to be so natural.
Religion has always been a touchy subject in my family, so the fact that Howard talks to his Grandfather in such condescending tones is purely nostalgic for me. Nicely written. The dad still seems to have anger issues, but I've never met a dad that didn't.
Great idea to put the present under the tree w/ the star of David. It's great to see the dad apologize and compromise rather than just be resistant to his son's opinions and feelings.
Great work overall.
I also think that all or your changes make the script a lot better. Your dialogue has definitely improved too.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that still bothers me is the baptism scene. I know it services the rest of the script, but that is just not realistic at all. A 10 year old kid cannot just go and get a baptism. It takes family and others, it is a big ordeal and needs more too it. I just can't see that actually happening, but I can see how it can ruin the rest of the film. I do not know what to do about this, but I just don't see that happening.
Good job, just work on the typos and such too.
Your FMJ is looking great I think that you have a good grasp on what you want. In my head those examples are almost exactly what I was thinking.
Barry,
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else, I really enjoy the new ending. The compromise made the family seem even more real to me. The tree being all wonky after being put back together is funny and the Star of David on top was a nice touch too.
I really only have one little nitpick. When Mark asks what Howard was thinking bringing home a Christmas tree, I felt like Howard would have some kind of smarty-pants remark. Maybe something like how Christmas trees were originally a Pagan symbol.
This is definitely a better draft Barry! The ending really worked for me this time. Dealing with religions is obviously a touchy subject but I felt you went the safe route with the ending, while not necessarily letting your story go. The confrontation and compromise drew me more into the story as well. One question though, are you intending this film on being more than 10-15 minutes? If not, I'm not sure what would be needed to take out. Overall, this draft has a much better flow and each scene leads to the next quite nicely.
ReplyDelete**I'm not necessarily worried about misspelling or grammar errors because I know that can be an easy fix
As far as your FMJ, I really loved the detail you used. And the visuals really brought your film to life for me- especially the pictures from "A Serious Man." However, I feel as though you need to explain every picture or film reference as Collis stated in class. It almost looks as though you just threw pictures in there to beef up your FMJ, although I'm sure that wasn't your intention.