I completely changed the beginning because I think that was main problem area. I am trying to go for a comedy of errors and also trying to set up the tone of the story faster.
I do not know how to make revision mode colored on the pdf instead of those stupid asterisks.
Yes Brooks I agree with you I think that it was the beginning that made it confusing, I dont have any problems understanding your script with the new revision. My concerns however are, how are you planing on shooting the car scene and the fire scene in the beginning, i could see those being problematic.
Also i was curious on the feel that you would be going for in the "perfect town" This gives me a ton of ideas for editing those scenes in terms of playing with color and saturation. I am curious to see if our ideas match up for that part.
Overal I think that the scrip is good and ready to shoot, cant wait to see the footage and get to editing.
The change in the beginning scene is pretty funny, I’m not sure how you are going to create the fire and if your actor will be willing to allow you to set him on fire but nevertheless I like it a lot better than your original opening scene. You made a few subtle changes to the dialogue which with the right actor should get you quite a few laughs. Still think more hilarity could ensue if you fleshed out the story when they actually arrive in this town but the changes you’ve made, with the right actors, can be funny.
Brooks, I like what you have done with the begining of your movie. The way you make this fire accident happen really catches you by surprise since up to that point there was no real reference to smoking. Ironically, the whole trip is about his smoking and it is evident that it is really a problem. This guy is willing to put his life and the life of his lover in jeopardy in order to take a drag, and that is something that really puts things into perspective. This guys addiction needs attention and his girlfriend is addressing the problem. However, I think that these scenes are really going to be difficult to film. Fire on a public road and inside a car is going to require a lot of safety measures that I am sure will get costy. I would suggest that you consider alternatives to get the same point across with less fire. Good job though and I hope we can address this tomorrow in class.
I definitely think this version is much better. It wasn't as evident before that all of his problems revolve around his cigs. The beginning is funny. I think there is some dialogue in it where you would be better off showing instead of telling.
To make revision mode in color, there is a box you can check when you print it to a PDF.
This version is improved from the last but the dialog still needs alot of work. The beginning is more interesting now than it was before and I agree with what David said when he said you should show rather then tell. Fix up the dialog and capitalize the beginning of your sentences and this will look even better.
May be better to yell “holly fuck or something like that. Cause It’s obv a fire. You don’t need say it.”
“KATE Pour the water on it.”
Isn’t needed.
“KATE Fire safty video says stop drop and roll.”
Maybe she should just laugh.
“SAL What the hell Kate? I ask one simple thing. (beat) I leave work early and rush everything so you can visit your aunt, which we don’t even know why, We almost crash and you can’t do one simple thing for me! (beat) My cigarettes were in there too dammit.”
Sal saying “which we don’t even know why” might be giving away the ending maybe not.
“Sal returns to the truck and opens the can of dip. He puts it in his mouth and spits it out in disgust. He throws the can and gets in car.”
From my experience as a professional dipper I must say this is somewhat unrealistic. Old dip doesn’t taste bad. It doesn’t really have a taste because it just dried out tobacco. His reaction would be more mad than disgusted because old dip doesn’t have a effect on mouth.
“SAL Since when did your aunt move this far out? I don’t remember driving through 50 miles of desert.”
This is better because him asking this question has a function.
“KATE You were asleep last time.”
Bad comeback. What if she’s diverts the question by saying that Sal doesn’t care about her family if he doesn’t know where they live.
“Sal leans over the counter and grabs the cashier so they are face to face. A few people in the store begin to look over to Sal.
CASHIER (Frowns) Huh. I don’t know what you are talking about. We are on earth.
SAL I don’t like it when people get between me and my cigarettes.”
I don’t think enough conflict has happened to Sal to allow for this much anger. I mean I understand being really mad about not getting your nicotine fix but to go to these measures is not realistic. What if the guy over the counter starts telling sal that cigs are bad he bad person for smoking… shit like that. I think the cashier needs to challenge sal. It will be more realistic and create honest tension and conflict. --- Just a thought.
Ok I also get that the it’s funny with the Cashier being really nice and killing Sal with Kindness but this could also work by the Cashier being really nice but brutally honest. Like him smiling and saying like – Do you realize how many people your hurting by all of the second hand smoke you cause. You need to be more considerate of other people.
“SAL What kind of town is this anyways. People here are idiots.”
Seems a little forced.
I don’t like the ending. It seems unsatisfying. It does resolve Sal’s conflict about smoking.
It’s really about Kate wanting to fix their relationship. It doesn’t seem like she even has any respect for him at anytime in the movie. She treats him like he’s an idiotic, annoying, and nicotine addicted boyfriend. I think that’s why I don’t like it.
The whole movie is about Sal wanting to smoke, and that conflict is solved by Kate tricking Sal into going to a vacation treatment place. That resolution doesn’t satisfy me. But I like your script. It’s got some good moments.
The biggest thing is that I think you need to find out what your movies about. Right now it seems to be about Sal’s addiction to cigs but your ending makes it feel like it’s about Kate wanting Sal and her to have a better relationship. That’s not getting through to me. Also you need to makes Sal’s anger more justified. I know I just said the same thing like 4 times but I’m just typing what’s off the top of my head.
oh and don't worry about the fire and actor. I'm sure you can find a professional to help you out for little or no pay.
I completely changed the beginning because I think that was main problem area. I am trying to go for a comedy of errors and also trying to set up the tone of the story faster.
ReplyDeleteI do not know how to make revision mode colored on the pdf instead of those stupid asterisks.
Yes Brooks I agree with you I think that it was the beginning that made it confusing, I dont have any problems understanding your script with the new revision. My concerns however are, how are you planing on shooting the car scene and the fire scene in the beginning, i could see those being problematic.
ReplyDeleteAlso i was curious on the feel that you would be going for in the "perfect town" This gives me a ton of ideas for editing those scenes in terms of playing with color and saturation. I am curious to see if our ideas match up for that part.
Overal I think that the scrip is good and ready to shoot, cant wait to see the footage and get to editing.
The change in the beginning scene is pretty funny, I’m not sure how you are going to create the fire and if your actor will be willing to allow you to set him on fire but nevertheless I like it a lot better than your original opening scene. You made a few subtle changes to the dialogue which with the right actor should get you quite a few laughs. Still think more hilarity could ensue if you fleshed out the story when they actually arrive in this town but the changes you’ve made, with the right actors, can be funny.
ReplyDeleteBrooks,
ReplyDeleteI like what you have done with the begining of your movie. The way you make this fire accident happen really catches you by surprise since up to that point there was no real reference to smoking. Ironically, the whole trip is about his smoking and it is evident that it is really a problem. This guy is willing to put his life and the life of his lover in jeopardy in order to take a drag, and that is something that really puts things into perspective. This guys addiction needs attention and his girlfriend is addressing the problem. However, I think that these scenes are really going to be difficult to film. Fire on a public road and inside a car is going to require a lot of safety measures that I am sure will get costy. I would suggest that you consider alternatives to get the same point across with less fire. Good job though and I hope we can address this tomorrow in class.
I definitely think this version is much better. It wasn't as evident before that all of his problems revolve around his cigs. The beginning is funny. I think there is some dialogue in it where you would be better off showing instead of telling.
ReplyDeleteTo make revision mode in color, there is a box you can check when you print it to a PDF.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis version is improved from the last but the dialog still needs alot of work. The beginning is more interesting now than it was before and I agree with what David said when he said you should show rather then tell. Fix up the dialog and capitalize the beginning of your sentences and this will look even better.
ReplyDelete“Fire!”
ReplyDeleteMay be better to yell “holly fuck or something like that. Cause It’s obv a fire. You don’t need say it.”
“KATE
Pour the water on it.”
Isn’t needed.
“KATE
Fire safty video says stop drop and
roll.”
Maybe she should just laugh.
“SAL
What the hell Kate? I ask one
simple thing.
(beat)
I leave work early and rush
everything so you can visit your
aunt, which we don’t even know why,
We almost crash and you can’t do
one simple thing for me!
(beat)
My cigarettes were in there too
dammit.”
Sal saying “which we don’t even know why” might be giving away the ending maybe not.
“Sal returns to the truck and opens the can of dip. He puts
it in his mouth and spits it out in disgust. He throws the
can and gets in car.”
From my experience as a professional dipper I must say this is somewhat unrealistic. Old dip doesn’t taste bad. It doesn’t really have a taste because it just dried out tobacco. His reaction would be more mad than disgusted because old dip doesn’t have a effect on mouth.
“SAL
Since when did your aunt move this
far out? I don’t remember driving
through 50 miles of desert.”
This is better because him asking this question has a function.
“KATE
You were asleep last time.”
Bad comeback. What if she’s diverts the question by saying that Sal doesn’t care about her family if he doesn’t know where they live.
“Sal leans over the counter and grabs the cashier so they are face to face. A few people in the store begin to look over to Sal.
CASHIER
(Frowns)
Huh. I don’t know what you are
talking about. We are on earth.
SAL
I don’t like it when people get
between me and my cigarettes.”
I don’t think enough conflict has happened to Sal to allow for this much anger. I mean I understand being really mad about not getting your nicotine fix but to go to these measures is not realistic. What if the guy over the counter starts telling sal that cigs are bad he bad person for smoking… shit like that. I think the cashier needs to challenge sal. It will be more realistic and create honest tension and conflict. --- Just a thought.
Ok I also get that the it’s funny with the Cashier being really nice and killing Sal with Kindness but this could also work by the Cashier being really nice but brutally honest. Like him smiling and saying like – Do you realize how many people your hurting by all of the second hand smoke you cause. You need to be more considerate of other people.
“SAL
What kind of town is this anyways.
People here are idiots.”
Seems a little forced.
I don’t like the ending. It seems unsatisfying. It does resolve Sal’s conflict about smoking.
It’s really about Kate wanting to fix their relationship. It doesn’t seem like she even has any respect for him at anytime in the movie. She treats him like he’s an idiotic, annoying, and nicotine addicted boyfriend. I think that’s why I don’t like it.
The whole movie is about Sal wanting to smoke, and that conflict is solved by Kate tricking Sal into going to a vacation treatment place. That resolution doesn’t satisfy me. But I like your script. It’s got some good moments.
The biggest thing is that I think you need to find out what your movies about. Right now it seems to be about Sal’s addiction to cigs but your ending makes it feel like it’s about Kate wanting Sal and her to have a better relationship. That’s not getting through to me. Also you need to makes Sal’s anger more justified. I know I just said the same thing like 4 times but I’m just typing what’s off the top of my head.
oh and don't worry about the fire and actor. I'm sure you can find a professional to help you out for little or no pay.