I really enjoyed how you added the little dialogue scene between Swag and Sophie regarding the room upstairs because it makes the audience wonder, “Room, what room? Why’s that room so important? Why does she want to go in there and why is he so defensive?” It’s a great additive for your story that goes along great with everything else you added at the end of the script regarding the room and Sophie’s job trying to discover the room and ultimately the end of the story.
It seems like you added and changed a lot in the script, and although the story is still long, I’m not sure you can shorten it any at this point as it would take away from the story and the emotion that you’ve created that I know for a fact the audience will be able to connect with.
I thoroughly enjoyed the character development, I felt like the changes you made will give the audience a deeper and better connection with him! Also the changes you made to the script regarding explaining the room and his theory on death I felt made the ending a lot better, gave us as the audience a deeper emotional connection and kind of got rid of this notion I had the first time around that Swag was mad and crazy.
Real effective scene description between dialogue. I really get a more clear and concise feel for the action behind the words. The subtle facial expressions and "asides" that you included in this draft make the nuances of the script much more apparent than before.
The "Epiphany" moment that Swag has towards the middle of the script left me wanting more, but as I read on, I realized the scope of your plot. You did a great job explaining how the life circles work, and it made the rest of the script much more enjoyable.
The one question I have is why does Chris kill himself if they found a heart transplant? Is it because he doesn't know? Confused me a little bit at the end. Other than that, I really like what you've done with it.
Okay, so honestly the theory still doesn't make sense... but she fucking goes into cardiac arrest after an intense orgasm... this has to be a lil wyane lyric. Fucking hilarious. Okay, so I think I understand that you can't die in this life until you are absolutely meant to die? So trying to kill yourself won't work until it is your time? Am I right? And then you don't actually die, you just move on to another life/dimension... I'm not sure if i am correct. Btw, I like the changes you made. Dialogue is getting better too.
FMJ NOTES: I agree with the contrast between the day time scenes in the house and the urban/fight club esque streets. However, what about the mysticism of the piece? Your movie is about having multiple lives, yet none of the cinematography cares to address that aspect. Your choices just seem pretty... The Note Book is a beautiful movie, but it has a feel of romanticism throughout the film, because all it is is a love story. However, your film isn't just a love story... I feel like you can take more chances with the look of the film. I think your idea of "Hollywood" is holding you back. Your locations are pretty sweet as well! Note on costume... I understand you want a simple urban look for sophie, but she is a professional. I feel like a woman in her mid twenties with a career would have slightly more sophisticated clothing. Just a thought
David I thought this draft is better, much better, but I was very confused in the middle with the flashbacks. I think that on film I would be able to understand it, but I was very confused. I did like this version better because it does explain the whole process, but some how I think it needs to be toned down a little. It feels very long and kind of sounds like an info dump. It would be more appropriate in a feature.
I did enjoy Chris more though. His character has definitely improved.
FMJ looks good, an idea that Liz mentioned about making your cinematography reflect your different lives, would be great to help people understand the contrast between the different lives.
The changes you made to the begining of your script really lead into your story well. This altercation that happens in the first scene makes your curious about what is going to happen next in the story for this character. I think this script is much better although you still need to clear somethings up. As far as your cinematography goes, I was having a little bit of trouble envisioning the look you were going to. I really think you have a great goal of distinguishing yourself from a student filmmaker, and I applaud the fact that you have studied ways in how to do so. However, it was the Forest Gump meets Fight Club that made me a little confused. Although I am not shutting down the idea that these two movies cannot combine to make a great rapper film, I think your cinematography is going to be tricky either way. For starters, I envision your first scene to be at a nice party, therefore I can totally envision the Forrest Gump qualities. In addition, I can totally see the scene with the mom getting killed to have a look such as Fight Club. My question is, how will you mediate the two so it does not seem like a change of world when it comes to your audience. I think one think to be careful of is to how your audience will react to this look, and whether it will have not only an effect on them, but the one that you are looking for.
David, Ok so you definitely made improvements, I felt like I understood your story the first time pretty well, but this definitely helps a bunch more. The flash backs still get a bit tricky, but i think if shot properly and with the right effects you can make it work and make it understandable.
Jesus brought up a good point, but I dont know, it might be interesting to make it a big clash, i mean not to the point where it takes the audience out of the film when (switching from forest gump to fight club) but it could be a tool/instrument that you use to prove a point. Basically instead of avoiding the the possibility of a drastic world change you can purposely make it a drastic world change.
FMJ Feedback: I think that your set will be beautiful on camera, and If you can some how pull off that hospital, that could make the film that much better, again i think that the cinematographic style of this film can really make it pop. Like I said before I would be interested in editing this film, let me know if you are interested.
I really enjoyed how you added the little dialogue scene between Swag and Sophie regarding the room upstairs because it makes the audience wonder, “Room, what room? Why’s that room so important? Why does she want to go in there and why is he so defensive?” It’s a great additive for your story that goes along great with everything else you added at the end of the script regarding the room and Sophie’s job trying to discover the room and ultimately the end of the story.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you added and changed a lot in the script, and although the story is still long, I’m not sure you can shorten it any at this point as it would take away from the story and the emotion that you’ve created that I know for a fact the audience will be able to connect with.
I thoroughly enjoyed the character development, I felt like the changes you made will give the audience a deeper and better connection with him! Also the changes you made to the script regarding explaining the room and his theory on death I felt made the ending a lot better, gave us as the audience a deeper emotional connection and kind of got rid of this notion I had the first time around that Swag was mad and crazy.
David,
ReplyDeleteReal effective scene description between dialogue. I really get a more clear and concise feel for the action behind the words. The subtle facial expressions and "asides" that you included in this draft make the nuances of the script much more apparent than before.
The "Epiphany" moment that Swag has towards the middle of the script left me wanting more, but as I read on, I realized the scope of your plot. You did a great job explaining how the life circles work, and it made the rest of the script much more enjoyable.
The one question I have is why does Chris kill himself if they found a heart transplant? Is it because he doesn't know? Confused me a little bit at the end. Other than that, I really like what you've done with it.
Neal
Hey everyone,
ReplyDeleteAlong with your thoughts on the rest of the script I need to know if you understood his theory in this version.
Thanks
Okay, so honestly the theory still doesn't make sense... but she fucking goes into cardiac arrest after an intense orgasm... this has to be a lil wyane lyric. Fucking hilarious. Okay, so I think I understand that you can't die in this life until you are absolutely meant to die? So trying to kill yourself won't work until it is your time? Am I right? And then you don't actually die, you just move on to another life/dimension... I'm not sure if i am correct. Btw, I like the changes you made. Dialogue is getting better too.
ReplyDeleteFMJ NOTES:
I agree with the contrast between the day time scenes in the house and the urban/fight club esque streets. However, what about the mysticism of the piece? Your movie is about having multiple lives, yet none of the cinematography cares to address that aspect. Your choices just seem pretty... The Note Book is a beautiful movie, but it has a feel of romanticism throughout the film, because all it is is a love story. However, your film isn't just a love story... I feel like you can take more chances with the look of the film. I think your idea of "Hollywood" is holding you back.
Your locations are pretty sweet as well!
Note on costume... I understand you want a simple urban look for sophie, but she is a professional. I feel like a woman in her mid twenties with a career would have slightly more sophisticated clothing. Just a thought
David
ReplyDeleteI thought this draft is better, much better, but I was very confused in the middle with the flashbacks. I think that on film I would be able to understand it, but I was very confused. I did like this version better because it does explain the whole process, but some how I think it needs to be toned down a little. It feels very long and kind of sounds like an info dump. It would be more appropriate in a feature.
I did enjoy Chris more though. His character has definitely improved.
FMJ looks good, an idea that Liz mentioned about making your cinematography reflect your different lives, would be great to help people understand the contrast between the different lives.
David,
ReplyDeleteThe changes you made to the begining of your script really lead into your story well. This altercation that happens in the first scene makes your curious about what is going to happen next in the story for this character. I think this script is much better although you still need to clear somethings up. As far as your cinematography goes, I was having a little bit of trouble envisioning the look you were going to. I really think you have a great goal of distinguishing yourself from a student filmmaker, and I applaud the fact that you have studied ways in how to do so. However, it was the Forest Gump meets Fight Club that made me a little confused. Although I am not shutting down the idea that these two movies cannot combine to make a great rapper film, I think your cinematography is going to be tricky either way. For starters, I envision your first scene to be at a nice party, therefore I can totally envision the Forrest Gump qualities. In addition, I can totally see the scene with the mom getting killed to have a look such as Fight Club. My question is, how will you mediate the two so it does not seem like a change of world when it comes to your audience. I think one think to be careful of is to how your audience will react to this look, and whether it will have not only an effect on them, but the one that you are looking for.
David, Ok so you definitely made improvements, I felt like I understood your story the first time pretty well, but this definitely helps a bunch more. The flash backs still get a bit tricky, but i think if shot properly and with the right effects you can make it work and make it understandable.
ReplyDeleteJesus brought up a good point, but I dont know, it might be interesting to make it a big clash, i mean not to the point where it takes the audience out of the film when (switching from forest gump to fight club) but it could be a tool/instrument that you use to prove a point. Basically instead of avoiding the the possibility of a drastic world change you can purposely make it a drastic world change.
FMJ Feedback: I think that your set will be beautiful on camera, and If you can some how pull off that hospital, that could make the film that much better, again i think that the cinematographic style of this film can really make it pop. Like I said before I would be interested in editing this film, let me know if you are interested.