I would like to start off by saying Happy Birthday, and really good job! I was really into your script and found myself rooting for a murdered in the end. The way you set up your characters, making Rose a despicable diva and Kate a hardworking understudy, really gave a sense of reality to your characters. Also, I think the names you picked really well with the story. The line "Farewell, Rose Fairwell" worked as a good plant, referring back to the dialogue between them regarding what Kate should call her. Not to mention Inspector Hemingway was also a great selection of a name.
At a deeper level, I felt your script had great subtext. The way your character transformed when she killed Rose worked really well. I really got the feel of a vicious cycle that was reoccurring, for what was once Rose Fairwell was being replaced by Ms. Lovelace. In addition to this, I felt that your knowledge of theatre was greatly reflected in your script. I really felt a sense of validity when you referred to things in "theatre slang", something that helped me really get into the story.
In the end, it is hard for me to find something negative to say about your piece. I think that it will take a great deal of work to set your piece in the 30's but I am confident that you can pull it off. One thing that I would suggest is to cut the initial voice over a bit, as it seems that a great deal of unnecessary information is given. As a result, I can only imagine seeing a projected image and being discouraged from watching the rest of the piece. However, I do believe that this is a great way to start your movie, especially because it transitions nicely as it exposes the understudy.
The beginning voice over that introduces us to Rose Fairwell is great. Although it doesn’t tell us her life story, the little quips about how she grew up with the classics and that ultimately influenced her into theater let us know early on she’s a sophisticated woman; also, the part about her having the lead role in Hamlet lets us know that she’s not a woman to be taken advantage of and most likely will get anything she puts her mind to. This insight into her character pays off later on when we realize how ironic it is that what made her great also caused her death. How we are first introduced to Kate, although no words are said and it is all visual, is very well done and has a hint of foreshadowing. From this one scene alone we know that Kate envy’s the woman we just heard so much about.
When I read the paragraph where Rose dies, I imagined it in my mind and for some reason it just didn’t seem good. You might want to change it up a bit and make it maybe a little more dramatic, when I read it just kind of seemed like it was, cough, cough, slam, she’s dead. After Kate sings you have her being in the headlines and then it goes back to her trying to get rid of the poison bottle, this kind of implies that this all happens on the same night which doesn’t make sense because if it just happened the newspapers wouldn’t have enough time to create the headline, so you might want to change that a little and maybe make it to where Kate forgot about the poison bottle due to all of the new found fame or just erase that part about the newspapers all together.
Don’t change the opening scene voice over or Kate sitting in the theater alone watching that news clip, it provides great insight for the audience and we’ll appreciate it even more towards the middle of the movie.
The scene, in which Rose dies, needs to be a little longer so that we can really feel and see the drama behind it.
The story definitely makes sense. We have a Rose who has been given everything in life she ever strived for and Kate, who although very similar to the Rose, lacks the ability to be as good as her. Kate’s inability to be her idol and to a certain extent greed are what motivate her to commit murder.
What up baby girl? How you doing? I’m good thanks!! Alight so I read your script and your journal and I think I’m going to read your script again hang on….
Ok Hayley I’m going to be completely honest with you. I’m not digging it and I’ll explain. Your character doesn’t do shit bro. I’ve looked it over and the only thing she does is put poison in a drink and tell the stage guy to not call her kid but Kate. Honestly she doesn’t change at all.
Like its cool that’s in the 30’s and has these moments that you want about back in the day Hollywood and you mention Audrey and that’s cool. But according to you your film is about Kate and wanting to become a star and doing anything including killing a mother fucker to become one and Kate doesn’t really do shit bro.
She only manages to kill Rose out of pure luck. If there wasn’t a rat problem I don’t know if she would have done it.
Alight you say that thing that’s driving her “is to become a star” We talked bout this yesterday. EVERYONE would become a star if they were handed the right circumstance. I would want to become a star if the fucking stars went into place and that’s what happens in your film. The stars align (rat problem/poison) and she takes that random, thank you fucking god moment, and uses it to become a star. She puts some rat poison in a some mouth spay.
Yo man if I really wanted to become a star and that person was in front of me I would align the fucking stars my self. I would make luck happen. I would do some crazy shit. Black mail, Talk shit behind their back, Sleep with her boyfriend/girlfriend, MANIPULATE, personally kill with my bear hands, or hire someone to kill them.
So after the first five pages your script is pretty much over. Nothing happens. To Kate NOTHING, besides act a little snobby. The ending is open and you know that’s cool but nothing happens. She ends up becoming famous and getting a big time agent. She doesn’t even fight with him. He just woos her like she can’t think for her self.
What I’m trying to get at is that there are some potential big mother fucking conflicts in your film. But as of now their not really conflicts. The death doesn’t lead to any suspense. And her only chance of getting caught is at the end but that doesn’t really emotionally get to me at all.
We also don’t see her really want to be star. Like I know you don’t want me to do this but in Black Swan, we saw Natalie fucking Portman’s character want the shit out of becoming the main girl. Nowhere before she kills Rose does Kate every express being the star. Alight Hayley I think you got some work but I could be wrong. Keep at the grind you’ll get it. However I do like your premise and I don’t give an fuck is south park did it. You could make this real. South Park can’t do that.
Wow another wonderful comment by Barry, hahahahahah,
Anyway, Hayley, I really like your script, I thought that it was well written and sounds like it will be another one of your masterpiece films that is set in a different time. So before I go on, I want to say that I decided to do editing for my capstone, and would love to be the editor on your film, so if you are interested, have your people call my people.
Even though Barry's comment was not written in the best way, he had a valid point, I felt like Kate really didnt do much as the main character so that was a bit disappointing, I was thinking a way to get over that is to make her performance show her growth, for example have her act in different scenes/songs that make her do things that mirror her internal struggle, if it doesnt make sense ill explain in class better.
Aside from the main character lacking depth, I think that the rest of the script is really good, I like it.
FMJ Feedback, I would like to see more in your FMJ especially in terms of casting, I am curious as to what you envisioned as your actors and i am curious as to who you will cast in real life.
First off if you do anything here do not listen to anything Barry just said, sorry Barry. I completely disagree with everything he wrote.
I loved your script and think you did an amazing job writing it. I got a good sense of all the characters and I'm glad you decided to go with the rat poison idea.
As for Barry saying she only manages to kill her out of pure luck and she might not have done it if not for the rat problem...uh yeah man that's the whole point. She saw an opportunity and jumped on it.
I think all the dialog is great but the only scene I might change is the exchange after they discover her body. I don't know why but I just don't like how he says "She's been in there the whole time" but maybe that's just me. I'd rather him just say "She's dead" or something like that.
First off, I really enjoyed all the visual depictions and adjectives that you used in this script. They add quite a bit of personal flavor to the story. I thought you developed your characters quite well, with the dialogue, action, and description of their inner conflicts.
I realize that Kate wants to be the headliner for the show, but I don't understand why she is so ready to kill for the position. Perhaps the moment when she is insulted and belittled by Rose should come before she makes the decision to kill her.
I think it's a great idea to use the Lyceum as a location. It will make your film look authentic. I also want to compliment you on how natural your dialogue is. Did you write this entire script yourself?
I like the ending, and the fact that Kate will get her commuppance (sp?) yet, I still would love to see the police interact with Kate even for just a moment, perhaps they call out her name or address her in a way so that she knows she's about to be caught.
All in all I think you did a great job with this script, and it will be a testament to your style of film making.
Your FMJ looks cleaner and concise than mine for sure, I felt as though most of what you were after is clear after reading the script itself, but it's nice to have something to refer back to. Well done, can't wait to see it!
Hayley, I thought the script was great. I was able to follow along and keep my focus the entire time. I was picturing the film in black and white the entire time....(don't know if that's what you're going to do or not). I really liked the character of Tony, almost like a Danny DiVeto from Always Sunny. I think the background story dealing with Rose and Price could be worked on a bit. For some reason I find it hard to believe that all that is happening in the script takes place in one night. Maybe it should take place over two nights at the theater, just an idea....
Great work though. I hope that I can work with you on this film.
Hayley, I really enjoyed your script because it kept me in the moment from the beginning to the end. I think that you have pretty good piece here and I especially like your choice on the time period. I think that this could be very visually captivating and I think that it is going to turn out very nice.
I do agree with Turbo on the Rose death scene. It seems so fast. I have never seen anyone poisoned by rat poison, but since Rose is a drama queen, you should make her go out in a very dramatic death scene. It might add to the comedic feeling of your script and show how Rose is the ultimate actress.
I used to do acting on stage and you did a very good job on making the environment feel very real. Your use of terms and the use of the stage manager and such. You did a great job. One complaint I have is its not to "shake a leg" it's to "break a leg". But that is a minor detail
I would like to see more out of your FMJ though. It was missing a lot.
First note: I love the film journals at this level, they help give me more insight into the overall concept and vision. I have to agree with Brooks, the journal is missing a lot. However, I am sure this was due to a time constraint.
As for the script, I like it! I did a bunch a theater in high school and musicals are my fav, so I'm already a fan! I agree with commentary on the death scene. Maybe add in a little drama queen flair to the scene, I agree with brooks. It may help make the scene funnier. Overall, I like your characters. hmmm I am trying to think of some helpful critiques. Well, let me read it over again and I'll discuss more in class. Overall this is a great start, it will be fantastic with some tweaks!
I agree with a lot of the things Ryan said. I like your characters and I thought the ending was perfect. She definitely is a different person at the end. It reminded me a lot of the ending of Black Swan in the sense that she ends up giving up everything (even though in yours its not on purpose) to get her shot in the spot light.
I think there's some fat that can be cut after once the body's been found. For example, you could take out that entire hallway scene at the end of page 12.
Except for that I really enjoyed the world you created and I thought most of the dialogue was in character. I was sympathetic to Kate the whole time.
First off, great last name for Rose and smart use of the newsreel to give the audience some background. At first I got the feeling that your script might be too much like a short remake of All About Eve, but it ended up standing on its own legs. However, a problem that comes to mind is that rat poison, as far as I’ve heard, is arsenic; from watching creepy shows on Discovery channel, I’ve learnt that death from arsenic poisoning happens after a long period of time. People who are being poisoned get really sick first and then keel over. If given too much in one dose, the poisoned person just throws it all up. If this is the case, maybe you can have Rose get sick the first night then have some kind of montage showing her sick night after night, then finally dying in her dressing room. I can also imagine bottles of poison piling up in Kate’s drawer. On that note, it would really make Kate’s last name a film geek’s wet dream because of Arsenic and Old Lace.
Another little nitpick is the good luck line. I’ve read that break a leg has been around since the 1920s. Again, I may be wrong, but you should look into it.
I’d like to know the gist of the bet Price lost to Hughes, all the while keeping it vague. Other than that, I really liked your characters and the story. I also enjoyed that you’ve decided to do a period piece. Let me know if you need any help in your art department. Oh, and great Casablanca nod.
WOW. Bravo Hayley! I can definitely tell you did your research for this piece! I'm somewhat shocked about Barry's critique, I actually loved the entire script. But Barry probably has more credibility than me so take it how you want it lol. I liked how luck within the given circumstances aided her in becoming a star. Yes, stars make it happen, but also with a bit of luck on their side. There are a lot of just as hard working people out there that don't become stars because they just haven't received their big break yet. So I thought the whole rat poisoning thing was a great use and plant in the story.
I also liked the ending a lot! I was so curious as to how you would end it. That just shows how much I enjoyed the script. It flowed really really well for me and kept me wondering. I felt the ending was very suspenseful and cinematic way to "fade to black." You didn't overdue it in anyway.
With all this being said, I'm going to have to reread this script in order to find any helpful critique since I seem to be so in love with it lol. Anywho, I can't wait to see the process of this film being made! Much love Kosan!!
OH and one more thing...I was disappointed in your FMJ, but I know you'll get it done! I got just about everything I needed to know from your script anyway.
Haley,
ReplyDeleteI would like to start off by saying Happy Birthday, and really good job! I was really into your script and found myself rooting for a murdered in the end. The way you set up your characters, making Rose a despicable diva and Kate a hardworking understudy, really gave a sense of reality to your characters. Also, I think the names you picked really well with the story. The line "Farewell, Rose Fairwell" worked as a good plant, referring back to the dialogue between them regarding what Kate should call her. Not to mention Inspector Hemingway was also a great selection of a name.
At a deeper level, I felt your script had great subtext. The way your character transformed when she killed Rose worked really well. I really got the feel of a vicious cycle that was reoccurring, for what was once Rose Fairwell was being replaced by Ms. Lovelace. In addition to this, I felt that your knowledge of theatre was greatly reflected in your script. I really felt a sense of validity when you referred to things in "theatre slang", something that helped me really get into the story.
In the end, it is hard for me to find something negative to say about your piece. I think that it will take a great deal of work to set your piece in the 30's but I am confident that you can pull it off. One thing that I would suggest is to cut the initial voice over a bit, as it seems that a great deal of unnecessary information is given. As a result, I can only imagine seeing a projected image and being discouraged from watching the rest of the piece. However, I do believe that this is a great way to start your movie, especially because it transitions nicely as it exposes the understudy.
The beginning voice over that introduces us to Rose Fairwell is great. Although it doesn’t tell us her life story, the little quips about how she grew up with the classics and that ultimately influenced her into theater let us know early on she’s a sophisticated woman; also, the part about her having the lead role in Hamlet lets us know that she’s not a woman to be taken advantage of and most likely will get anything she puts her mind to. This insight into her character pays off later on when we realize how ironic it is that what made her great also caused her death. How we are first introduced to Kate, although no words are said and it is all visual, is very well done and has a hint of foreshadowing. From this one scene alone we know that Kate envy’s the woman we just heard so much about.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read the paragraph where Rose dies, I imagined it in my mind and for some reason it just didn’t seem good. You might want to change it up a bit and make it maybe a little more dramatic, when I read it just kind of seemed like it was, cough, cough, slam, she’s dead. After Kate sings you have her being in the headlines and then it goes back to her trying to get rid of the poison bottle, this kind of implies that this all happens on the same night which doesn’t make sense because if it just happened the newspapers wouldn’t have enough time to create the headline, so you might want to change that a little and maybe make it to where Kate forgot about the poison bottle due to all of the new found fame or just erase that part about the newspapers all together.
Don’t change the opening scene voice over or Kate sitting in the theater alone watching that news clip, it provides great insight for the audience and we’ll appreciate it even more towards the middle of the movie.
The scene, in which Rose dies, needs to be a little longer so that we can really feel and see the drama behind it.
The story definitely makes sense. We have a Rose who has been given everything in life she ever strived for and Kate, who although very similar to the Rose, lacks the ability to be as good as her. Kate’s inability to be her idol and to a certain extent greed are what motivate her to commit murder.
What up baby girl? How you doing? I’m good thanks!! Alight so I read your script and your journal and I think I’m going to read your script again hang on….
ReplyDeleteOk Hayley I’m going to be completely honest with you. I’m not digging it and I’ll explain. Your character doesn’t do shit bro. I’ve looked it over and the only thing she does is put poison in a drink and tell the stage guy to not call her kid but Kate. Honestly she doesn’t change at all.
Like its cool that’s in the 30’s and has these moments that you want about back in the day Hollywood and you mention Audrey and that’s cool. But according to you your film is about Kate and wanting to become a star and doing anything including killing a mother fucker to become one and Kate doesn’t really do shit bro.
She only manages to kill Rose out of pure luck. If there wasn’t a rat problem I don’t know if she would have done it.
Alight you say that thing that’s driving her “is to become a star” We talked bout this yesterday. EVERYONE would become a star if they were handed the right circumstance. I would want to become a star if the fucking stars went into place and that’s what happens in your film. The stars align (rat problem/poison) and she takes that random, thank you fucking god moment, and uses it to become a star. She puts some rat poison in a some mouth spay.
Yo man if I really wanted to become a star and that person was in front of me I would align the fucking stars my self. I would make luck happen. I would do some crazy shit. Black mail, Talk shit behind their back, Sleep with her boyfriend/girlfriend, MANIPULATE, personally kill with my bear hands, or hire someone to kill them.
So after the first five pages your script is pretty much over. Nothing happens. To Kate NOTHING, besides act a little snobby. The ending is open and you know that’s cool but nothing happens. She ends up becoming famous and getting a big time agent. She doesn’t even fight with him. He just woos her like she can’t think for her self.
What I’m trying to get at is that there are some potential big mother fucking conflicts in your film. But as of now their not really conflicts. The death doesn’t lead to any suspense. And her only chance of getting caught is at the end but that doesn’t really emotionally get to me at all.
We also don’t see her really want to be star. Like I know you don’t want me to do this but in Black Swan, we saw Natalie fucking Portman’s character want the shit out of becoming the main girl. Nowhere before she kills Rose does Kate every express being the star. Alight Hayley I think you got some work but I could be wrong. Keep at the grind you’ll get it. However I do like your premise and I don’t give an fuck is south park did it. You could make this real. South Park can’t do that.
Wow another wonderful comment by Barry, hahahahahah,
ReplyDeleteAnyway, Hayley, I really like your script, I thought that it was well written and sounds like it will be another one of your masterpiece films that is set in a different time. So before I go on, I want to say that I decided to do editing for my capstone, and would love to be the editor on your film, so if you are interested, have your people call my people.
Even though Barry's comment was not written in the best way, he had a valid point, I felt like Kate really didnt do much as the main character so that was a bit disappointing, I was thinking a way to get over that is to make her performance show her growth, for example have her act in different scenes/songs that make her do things that mirror her internal struggle, if it doesnt make sense ill explain in class better.
Aside from the main character lacking depth, I think that the rest of the script is really good, I like it.
FMJ Feedback, I would like to see more in your FMJ especially in terms of casting, I am curious as to what you envisioned as your actors and i am curious as to who you will cast in real life.
First off if you do anything here do not listen to anything Barry just said, sorry Barry. I completely disagree with everything he wrote.
ReplyDeleteI loved your script and think you did an amazing job writing it. I got a good sense of all the characters and I'm glad you decided to go with the rat poison idea.
As for Barry saying she only manages to kill her out of pure luck and she might not have done it if not for the rat problem...uh yeah man that's the whole point. She saw an opportunity and jumped on it.
I think all the dialog is great but the only scene I might change is the exchange after they discover her body. I don't know why but I just don't like how he says "She's been in there the whole time" but maybe that's just me. I'd rather him just say "She's dead" or something like that.
Overall great job though.
Hayley,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I really enjoyed all the visual depictions and adjectives that you used in this script. They add quite a bit of personal flavor to the story. I thought you developed your characters quite well, with the dialogue, action, and description of their inner conflicts.
I realize that Kate wants to be the headliner for the show, but I don't understand why she is so ready to kill for the position. Perhaps the moment when she is insulted and belittled by Rose should come before she makes the decision to kill her.
I think it's a great idea to use the Lyceum as a location. It will make your film look authentic. I also want to compliment you on how natural your dialogue is. Did you write this entire script yourself?
I like the ending, and the fact that Kate will get her commuppance (sp?) yet, I still would love to see the police interact with Kate even for just a moment, perhaps they call out her name or address her in a way so that she knows she's about to be caught.
All in all I think you did a great job with this script, and it will be a testament to your style of film making.
Your FMJ looks cleaner and concise than mine for sure, I felt as though most of what you were after is clear after reading the script itself, but it's nice to have something to refer back to. Well done, can't wait to see it!
Hayley,
ReplyDeleteI thought the script was great. I was able to follow along and keep my focus the entire time. I was picturing the film in black and white the entire time....(don't know if that's what you're going to do or not). I really liked the character of Tony, almost like a Danny DiVeto from Always Sunny. I think the background story dealing with Rose and Price could be worked on a bit. For some reason I find it hard to believe that all that is happening in the script takes place in one night. Maybe it should take place over two nights at the theater, just an idea....
Great work though. I hope that I can work with you on this film.
Hayley,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your script because it kept me in the moment from the beginning to the end. I think that you have pretty good piece here and I especially like your choice on the time period. I think that this could be very visually captivating and I think that it is going to turn out very nice.
I do agree with Turbo on the Rose death scene. It seems so fast. I have never seen anyone poisoned by rat poison, but since Rose is a drama queen, you should make her go out in a very dramatic death scene. It might add to the comedic feeling of your script and show how Rose is the ultimate actress.
I used to do acting on stage and you did a very good job on making the environment feel very real. Your use of terms and the use of the stage manager and such. You did a great job. One complaint I have is its not to "shake a leg" it's to "break a leg". But that is a minor detail
I would like to see more out of your FMJ though. It was missing a lot.
Hey Hayley,
ReplyDeleteFirst note: I love the film journals at this level, they help give me more insight into the overall concept and vision. I have to agree with Brooks, the journal is missing a lot. However, I am sure this was due to a time constraint.
As for the script, I like it! I did a bunch a theater in high school and musicals are my fav, so I'm already a fan! I agree with commentary on the death scene. Maybe add in a little drama queen flair to the scene, I agree with brooks. It may help make the scene funnier. Overall, I like your characters. hmmm I am trying to think of some helpful critiques. Well, let me read it over again and I'll discuss more in class. Overall this is a great start, it will be fantastic with some tweaks!
Oh, I thought of something... the story reminds me of 42ND street, a lot! However, I am not sure if that is necessarily a bad thing
ReplyDeleteI agree with a lot of the things Ryan said. I like your characters and I thought the ending was perfect. She definitely is a different person at the end. It reminded me a lot of the ending of Black Swan in the sense that she ends up giving up everything (even though in yours its not on purpose) to get her shot in the spot light.
ReplyDeleteI think there's some fat that can be cut after once the body's been found. For example, you could take out that entire hallway scene at the end of page 12.
Except for that I really enjoyed the world you created and I thought most of the dialogue was in character. I was sympathetic to Kate the whole time.
Hayley,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, great last name for Rose and smart use of the newsreel to give the audience some background. At first I got the feeling that your script might be too much like a short remake of All About Eve, but it ended up standing on its own legs. However, a problem that comes to mind is that rat poison, as far as I’ve heard, is arsenic; from watching creepy shows on Discovery channel, I’ve learnt that death from arsenic poisoning happens after a long period of time. People who are being poisoned get really sick first and then keel over. If given too much in one dose, the poisoned person just throws it all up. If this is the case, maybe you can have Rose get sick the first night then have some kind of montage showing her sick night after night, then finally dying in her dressing room. I can also imagine bottles of poison piling up in Kate’s drawer. On that note, it would really make Kate’s last name a film geek’s wet dream because of Arsenic and Old Lace.
Another little nitpick is the good luck line. I’ve read that break a leg has been around since the 1920s. Again, I may be wrong, but you should look into it.
I’d like to know the gist of the bet Price lost to Hughes, all the while keeping it vague. Other than that, I really liked your characters and the story. I also enjoyed that you’ve decided to do a period piece. Let me know if you need any help in your art department. Oh, and great Casablanca nod.
WOW. Bravo Hayley! I can definitely tell you did your research for this piece! I'm somewhat shocked about Barry's critique, I actually loved the entire script. But Barry probably has more credibility than me so take it how you want it lol. I liked how luck within the given circumstances aided her in becoming a star. Yes, stars make it happen, but also with a bit of luck on their side. There are a lot of just as hard working people out there that don't become stars because they just haven't received their big break yet. So I thought the whole rat poisoning thing was a great use and plant in the story.
ReplyDeleteI also liked the ending a lot! I was so curious as to how you would end it. That just shows how much I enjoyed the script. It flowed really really well for me and kept me wondering. I felt the ending was very suspenseful and cinematic way to "fade to black." You didn't overdue it in anyway.
With all this being said, I'm going to have to reread this script in order to find any helpful critique since I seem to be so in love with it lol. Anywho, I can't wait to see the process of this film being made! Much love Kosan!!
OH and one more thing...I was disappointed in your FMJ, but I know you'll get it done! I got just about everything I needed to know from your script anyway.
ReplyDelete