Turbo, I think that your script was well written for what it was, but it lost me at the end. I felt like the beginning was promising this great story and build up, I was excited I thought to my self this could be funny and exciting, bold, like kickass but then the end came and I felt like all of the air came out of it. Maybe I didn't understand the message or the meaning of the film but I feel like its one of those endings where you ran out of time or pages and just ended it the quickest way possible. I would say that the script needs a better ending and I would look at it and decide what type of genre you are looking at and make sure that the script shows that.
I think that the beginning was great, I like how you kept the audience confused and slowly revealed the truth about him trying to become a superhero, like I said the build up is excellent.
FMJ Feedback: Visually I like your FMJ nice color choices. I looked at your casting and didnt expect what I saw. For some reason after reading the script I expected much younger actors because the characters seemed younger to me.
Turbs. Interesting script. The best part of your script to me is the twists and turns. The script is kind of out there though. The story felt like a bunch of random events that don’t really have any kind of narrative connections. Each event seems to be completely new from the previous one. You said in your filmmakers Journal that it’s about a mentally insane dude trying to reconnect with his sister. We learn that at literally the last line of your script. So to me your movie is about the fucked up dude doing some fucked up shit to people.
The reality and realism of the film jumps around. As in I can’t tell if the film is trying to have a comical non-serious tone to it or have a very serious dramatic tone. I feel like the dialogue especially in the beginning is like a carton show. Actually through out the entire film the dialoged makes the film feel funny and unrealistic. The kidnaped girl says some funny and bold shit for a person who just got kidnap. This makes me think her fear is a not real and the whole thing is something I would see in a cartoon.
I think if you add some plot elements or hints (plants and payoffs) of his real motive of connecting with his sister the ending will be more satisfying for your audience.
Hey Turbo, I think it's a really interesting twist on the super hero theme and your structure is good but there are details that need to be straightened out.
-I'd prefer if she wasn't the first girl he does it to. I think it would be better if you establish that he's fucked up to begin with so there is more of a need for HER character to come in to stop it. -You need to explain why they never saw each other for so long. Where did he go? -Why does a little girl like to be tortured? I'm not saying it's wrong. It just needs to be explained. -My idea to fix the last 2 ideas would be to make him a foster child and they fight over who gets to be the hero and who gets to be the villain. So her way of getting to be the hero when they play their games is to tell him that he's being the hero when he's really doing villain things. And when he accidentally seriously hurts her during their game the parents decide to give him back to foster care. -I agree with Barry about her dialogue being a little bold for someone in her position.
Except for those plot points it's really solid and I'm excited to see how it develops and to see your ideas for cinematography.
Before reading your journal, I could only think about how this guy needed to seek professional help. This bothered me because originally, I thought this movie had a greater comedic feel to it. The fact this man wants to be a super hero, dressed in a super hero suit and that nobody takes him seriously, led me to believe that your script was looking for punch lines when I felt disturbed. In reality, I felt as the encounter between the super hero and the couple was WAY too exaggerated. I am not a violent person but if someone approaches me while I am with my girlfriend, my first reaction, as well as anybody who cares for someone else, would be to defend my girlfriend and myself at any cost. The fact that this guy waited long enough to get kicked in the groin made me see this as unrealistic. However, since I felt you were going for the comedic, exaggerated feel, I was able go look passed that. Aside from the sister's calm and composed character, I think you have a very good idea going.
The first hint of insanity came with the fact that he was happy at his job. Although he is earning an honest living, there was something that bothered me about him being so happy to bag groceries. As a result, this led me to believe that there was something wrong with this guy from the get go. One suggestion that you may consider is possibly showing the main character stalking his sister again and again before finally making his move. Another thing you can play with is the inference of romantic interest that comes from the main character towards the girl who we later find out is his sister. By playing with this, you can make the last reveal much stronger and possibly a lot more disturbing for the audience.
I was actually pretty impressed with the actual story and vision you for this film. I like the suspense and surprise as well. However, I was a bit confused at time. First I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a comedic film, dramatic or simply creepy? I wasn't sure how to feel, but a lot of parts were definitely creepy. Another thing, I wasn't sure why the grocery scene was necessary. I felt nothing really came out of that scene.
Your FMJ gave me a clearer understanding of your vision from the story described and the colors/visuals you used. I thought they were all a good choice. I really like the fact that he's mentally ill and uses that way to reconnect with his sister. But again it felt creepy (and the audience not be as sympathetic to Mason. I feel you need to find another way to reveal that they are brother and sister. Not only would it make it more interest, but I simply have never called my brother "brother"...sounds cheesy.
Overall I'm really diggin the direction you're taking and can't wait to see the progress you make with it!
I like the beginning of the script and how Mason is introduced, it keeps us interested because we’re not sure what he’s up to. Like everyone else has been saying I’m confused as to what the overall tone of the script is. I felt like you were going for comedy and if that’s true I don’t think the ending is the greatest choice. It also seems strange she wouldn’t recognize her own brother. I think once you identify the tone more clearly and make changes accordingly then everything will work better.
Turbo I liked the script, I thought that it was very creative, simple and clear. but it feels like it is just missing a few things. I feel like it is a little rushed and the characters need to be established more. Like some others said, it needs a little more establishment for the main character. He needs to do some more superhero/villain type things before he goes out ad gets his sister because to me it felt like their just wasn't enough going on to figure out what type of a person he is. I knew from the beginning that your character was mentally ill, but I think you could also provide a little more information so people in the end know that he is for sure crazy. Like when he has bee gone for 10 years, it would be nice to see why and maybe that will help solidify his mental illness.
Good job overall on the story, I think it will be great!
FMJ Loved your style on the FMJ, it came out great. The information really helped reinforce your script. I also like you elevator pitch, it helped fill in some of the blanks and questions I had.
Cool script, have you seen "Defendor"? Just wondering. I like this screenplay because of the dialogue and the interaction between Mason and his sister. There are also some comedic moments towards the beginning of the script that work well.
The only piece of your puzzle that I didn't wholeheartedly embrace were the events leading up to the ending. Knowing that this is a short film helps us understand that the plot points don't necessarily need to be stretched out and embellished, but I would have bought the ending more if there had been a concrete motive for Mason dressing up touring his city at night.
Other than that small note, I really think you will do something creative and entertaining.
Your FMJ was fun to look through, cool chapter titles and divisions. Keep up the good work.
Turbo- I’m digging the idea and the twist at the end. This could be a pretty interesting piece.
To be honest, I didn’t get Mason was handicapped. When I think back and re-read I thought “Oh! That’s why a grown man is bagging groceries…” It just didn’t click. Maybe it’s just me or maybe it needs to be a bit more obvious.
The dialogue is very boring to be frank. Dialogue is tough and if you keep developing the characters and finding their voices you can quite possibly take the dialogue to the next level. Finally, I think the ending needs to hit better. For this to happen I need to buy the pain the brother was caused as a little kid more so and I need Charlotte to atone for her mean behavior additionally. I feel like the climax just kind happens and then they’re hugging and we realized they’re brother and sister and I’m sitting reading this and saying, “wait, what?”
It’s a good start. Work on structure (and grammar) and it will get there.
Turbo, interesting story. To be honest, the story was a little repetitive in terms of dialogue which made it hard for me to follow (especially short script as well). I had no clue that they were brother and sister so maybe tahts something you need to work on as well. In my opinion I would take out the very beginning scene.....paper bag boy. It seems a little stereotypical saying that all baggers have mental health issues. Maybe give him a different job, maybe even a 'normal' business type job, that would make him seem even more mental.....? just a thought.
FIRST QUESTION… why did you want this ending? I understand it is a curveball, but it is SO UNSATISFYING! However, I actually thoroughly enjoyed your script. It is a quick short with suspense, but I’d love if the ending were different, however, you may need to change the motivation of Mason if you do so. BUT, this may aid in a stronger story. I would love to see an opening where we see the main character prowling and hopping around the streets all stealth like, juxtaposed with your regular opening of good old Mason the grocer. So the audience may begin to think the two are connected but aren’t the same person, however, you are indeed showing Mason when he is out being a “superhero”, but on a former night. This will make the reveal better when the audiences puts together that the masked man we saw in the opening is in fact our main character, thus setting up our superhero/anti-hero. I still think he should find his sister… however, maybe he really is messed up in the head and maybe he has done all of this before with women who look similar to his sister. NEWs reels of former killings could be good. I hope you find this helpful. I personally think this script has some amazing potential to be awesome.
FMJ: I am worried your ideal casting seems too typical of the superhero genre. I’d be a bit more interested in seeing a different type of damsel in distress character and maybe the macho boyfriend could be not so cliché as well. Just a thought!
Turbo,
ReplyDeleteI think that your script was well written for what it was, but it lost me at the end. I felt like the beginning was promising this great story and build up, I was excited I thought to my self this could be funny and exciting, bold, like kickass but then the end came and I felt like all of the air came out of it. Maybe I didn't understand the message or the meaning of the film but I feel like its one of those endings where you ran out of time or pages and just ended it the quickest way possible. I would say that the script needs a better ending and I would look at it and decide what type of genre you are looking at and make sure that the script shows that.
I think that the beginning was great, I like how you kept the audience confused and slowly revealed the truth about him trying to become a superhero, like I said the build up is excellent.
FMJ Feedback:
Visually I like your FMJ nice color choices. I looked at your casting and didnt expect what I saw. For some reason after reading the script I expected much younger actors because the characters seemed younger to me.
Turbs. Interesting script. The best part of your script to me is the twists and turns. The script is kind of out there though. The story felt like a bunch of random events that don’t really have any kind of narrative connections. Each event seems to be completely new from the previous one. You said in your filmmakers Journal that it’s about a mentally insane dude trying to reconnect with his sister. We learn that at literally the last line of your script. So to me your movie is about the fucked up dude doing some fucked up shit to people.
ReplyDeleteThe reality and realism of the film jumps around. As in I can’t tell if the film is trying to have a comical non-serious tone to it or have a very serious dramatic tone. I feel like the dialogue especially in the beginning is like a carton show. Actually through out the entire film the dialoged makes the film feel funny and unrealistic. The kidnaped girl says some funny and bold shit for a person who just got kidnap. This makes me think her fear is a not real and the whole thing is something I would see in a cartoon.
I think if you add some plot elements or hints (plants and payoffs) of his real motive of connecting with his sister the ending will be more satisfying for your audience.
Hey Turbo,
ReplyDeleteI think it's a really interesting twist on the super hero theme and your structure is good but there are details that need to be straightened out.
-I'd prefer if she wasn't the first girl he does it to. I think it would be better if you establish that he's fucked up to begin with so there is more of a need for HER character to come in to stop it.
-You need to explain why they never saw each other for so long. Where did he go?
-Why does a little girl like to be tortured? I'm not saying it's wrong. It just needs to be explained.
-My idea to fix the last 2 ideas would be to make him a foster child and they fight over who gets to be the hero and who gets to be the villain. So her way of getting to be the hero when they play their games is to tell him that he's being the hero when he's really doing villain things. And when he accidentally seriously hurts her during their game the parents decide to give him back to foster care.
-I agree with Barry about her dialogue being a little bold for someone in her position.
Except for those plot points it's really solid and I'm excited to see how it develops and to see your ideas for cinematography.
Before reading your journal, I could only think about how this guy needed to seek professional help. This bothered me because originally, I thought this movie had a greater comedic feel to it. The fact this man wants to be a super hero, dressed in a super hero suit and that nobody takes him seriously, led me to believe that your script was looking for punch lines when I felt disturbed. In reality, I felt as the encounter between the super hero and the couple was WAY too exaggerated. I am not a violent person but if someone approaches me while I am with my girlfriend, my first reaction, as well as anybody who cares for someone else, would be to defend my girlfriend and myself at any cost. The fact that this guy waited long enough to get kicked in the groin made me see this as unrealistic. However, since I felt you were going for the comedic, exaggerated feel, I was able go look passed that. Aside from the sister's calm and composed character, I think you have a very good idea going.
ReplyDeleteThe first hint of insanity came with the fact that he was happy at his job. Although he is earning an honest living, there was something that bothered me about him being so happy to bag groceries. As a result, this led me to believe that there was something wrong with this guy from the get go. One suggestion that you may consider is possibly showing the main character stalking his sister again and again before finally making his move. Another thing you can play with is the inference of romantic interest that comes from the main character towards the girl who we later find out is his sister. By playing with this, you can make the last reveal much stronger and possibly a lot more disturbing for the audience.
Hey Brian,
ReplyDeleteI was actually pretty impressed with the actual story and vision you for this film. I like the suspense and surprise as well. However, I was a bit confused at time. First I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a comedic film, dramatic or simply creepy? I wasn't sure how to feel, but a lot of parts were definitely creepy. Another thing, I wasn't sure why the grocery scene was necessary. I felt nothing really came out of that scene.
Your FMJ gave me a clearer understanding of your vision from the story described and the colors/visuals you used. I thought they were all a good choice. I really like the fact that he's mentally ill and uses that way to reconnect with his sister. But again it felt creepy (and the audience not be as sympathetic to Mason. I feel you need to find another way to reveal that they are brother and sister. Not only would it make it more interest, but I simply have never called my brother "brother"...sounds cheesy.
Overall I'm really diggin the direction you're taking and can't wait to see the progress you make with it!
Hey Turbo,
ReplyDeleteI like the beginning of the script and how Mason is introduced, it keeps us interested because we’re not sure what he’s up to. Like everyone else has been saying I’m confused as to what the overall tone of the script is. I felt like you were going for comedy and if that’s true I don’t think the ending is the greatest choice. It also seems strange she wouldn’t recognize her own brother. I think once you identify the tone more clearly and make changes accordingly then everything will work better.
Rereading what I wrote, I noticed a lot of grammar mistakes lol. I was sleepy, excuse me :)
ReplyDeleteTurbo
ReplyDeleteI liked the script, I thought that it was very creative, simple and clear. but it feels like it is just missing a few things. I feel like it is a little rushed and the characters need to be established more. Like some others said, it needs a little more establishment for the main character. He needs to do some more superhero/villain type things before he goes out ad gets his sister because to me it felt like their just wasn't enough going on to figure out what type of a person he is.
I knew from the beginning that your character was mentally ill, but I think you could also provide a little more information so people in the end know that he is for sure crazy. Like when he has bee gone for 10 years, it would be nice to see why and maybe that will help solidify his mental illness.
Good job overall on the story, I think it will be great!
FMJ
Loved your style on the FMJ, it came out great. The information really helped reinforce your script. I also like you elevator pitch, it helped fill in some of the blanks and questions I had.
right... sleepy.
ReplyDeleteTurbo,
Cool script, have you seen "Defendor"? Just wondering. I like this screenplay because of the dialogue and the interaction between Mason and his sister. There are also some comedic moments towards the beginning of the script that work well.
The only piece of your puzzle that I didn't wholeheartedly embrace were the events leading up to the ending. Knowing that this is a short film helps us understand that the plot points don't necessarily need to be stretched out and embellished, but I would have bought the ending more if there had been a concrete motive for Mason dressing up touring his city at night.
Other than that small note, I really think you will do something creative and entertaining.
Your FMJ was fun to look through, cool chapter titles and divisions. Keep up the good work.
Neal
Turbo- I’m digging the idea and the twist at the end. This could be a pretty interesting piece.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I didn’t get Mason was handicapped. When I think back and re-read I thought “Oh! That’s why a grown man is bagging groceries…” It just didn’t click. Maybe it’s just me or maybe it needs to be a bit more obvious.
The dialogue is very boring to be frank. Dialogue is tough and if you keep developing the characters and finding their voices you can quite possibly take the dialogue to the next level.
Finally, I think the ending needs to hit better. For this to happen I need to buy the pain the brother was caused as a little kid more so and I need Charlotte to atone for her mean behavior additionally. I feel like the climax just kind happens and then they’re hugging and we realized they’re brother and sister and I’m sitting reading this and saying, “wait, what?”
It’s a good start. Work on structure (and grammar) and it will get there.
Turbo, interesting story. To be honest, the story was a little repetitive in terms of dialogue which made it hard for me to follow (especially short script as well). I had no clue that they were brother and sister so maybe tahts something you need to work on as well. In my opinion I would take out the very beginning scene.....paper bag boy. It seems a little stereotypical saying that all baggers have mental health issues. Maybe give him a different job, maybe even a 'normal' business type job, that would make him seem even more mental.....? just a thought.
ReplyDeleteFIRST QUESTION… why did you want this ending? I understand it is a curveball, but it is SO UNSATISFYING! However, I actually thoroughly enjoyed your script. It is a quick short with suspense, but I’d love if the ending were different, however, you may need to change the motivation of Mason if you do so. BUT, this may aid in a stronger story. I would love to see an opening where we see the main character prowling and hopping around the streets all stealth like, juxtaposed with your regular opening of good old Mason the grocer. So the audience may begin to think the two are connected but aren’t the same person, however, you are indeed showing Mason when he is out being a “superhero”, but on a former night. This will make the reveal better when the audiences puts together that the masked man we saw in the opening is in fact our main character, thus setting up our superhero/anti-hero. I still think he should find his sister… however, maybe he really is messed up in the head and maybe he has done all of this before with women who look similar to his sister. NEWs reels of former killings could be good. I hope you find this helpful. I personally think this script has some amazing potential to be awesome.
ReplyDeleteFMJ: I am worried your ideal casting seems too typical of the superhero genre. I’d be a bit more interested in seeing a different type of damsel in distress character and maybe the macho boyfriend could be not so cliché as well. Just a thought!