Jesus I must say that I like where the script has ended up, and how far it has gone since the first draft. I feel that it is ready to shoot and that it makes sense now, (there are no confusing vampire parts like before).
I must say that I am excited to edit this film, I a curious to see the rest of your FMJ and to see how you end up shooting this film in terms of color and angles. I feel that we can get together and discuss (once in the editing process) filters and effects that could really stylize this film and make it really dark. I feel like the scripts yields two different worlds, and that we can use that in the editing room to make some really nice effects.
I don’t remember the scene in which Nick, Rudy and Maria are in the house with the immigrants but I definitely like it, it adds a sense of horror to the story, especially when the boy whispers hello and is silenced by his mother. And the subsequent conversation about Maria being bitten between Nick and Rudy is also something new that you added that I think works really well and introduces a different type of struggle in the story instead of just being between the vampires and the immigrants you’ve introduced an inner group struggle. It seems you changed a lot in the script (too much to focus on anyone thing specifically) but it all seems to work and I like your story more than I did before, so I’d definitely stick with what you got right now because it’s way better than the original.
I really like all the changes you've made. I think the scene in the house works really well and the story overall feels so much better with these new structural changes.
I don't really have any constructive feedback to give on this draft other then I think it's a good improvement and another step in the right direction.
Jesus, Nice changes. In the beginning I wasn't sure who the main character was. I knew it was Maria once the V.O starts but it seems a little late to start the V.O. I'm not sure how but I think it would work better if you brought in a V.O earlier so we know this is the main character. (not a big deal at all.) Overall, I really like the new script. I was invested and interested the entire time. I like the ending but I don't love it. It's not as climactic as the old one but I like how you show that both sides are corrupt. Maybe there is a way you can build up more fear from this rival group so we become even more relieved when we find out they're one in the same.
“On the front line stands Maria, a young beautiful Mexican girl ready to give anything for the liberation of this man.”
How do we know that?
“Very interesting.”
Maybe take that out. –
“desert, she urges the public to act and stop this tragedy as she blames her deaths”
Has Lizette died many times? Also cap her name son in that paragraph. Also if it wasn’t for google translator I wouldn’t know what the fuck you were saying. The way to do is :
LIZETTE (in Spanish) Now type in English so everyone can understand.
“MARIA V.O. He took a lot more than my virginity that night. If it would have been that I would have been fine.”
That line makes me fell awkward as fuck. I don’t like it. It takes me out of the story because I start to think you are trying to give the audience hint she became a vampire in cleaver/sexy way, but it just makes me mad.
I don’t think your VO is necessary. It takes you out of the story. I feel like you need to make this as honest and real as possible. Right now on page 4 everything feels like the characters and dialogue are cliché and unoriginal except for the Mexican vampire stuff. But it would tight if you could make that story into something believable.
“MARIA Nick? NICK Hey there..... how are you? MARIA I’m hungry. NICK Let’s get you something to eat.”
The scene is corny the lines are corny, it seems fake.
“NICK Look Maria, if we go after goats and cows, people look for us. People get upset that their precious cattle is gone. If we go after illegals crossing the desert, they blame the heat and we walk away. We need our blood.. but we cannot risk getting caught.. again.”
This isn’t really a justified excuse. To be honest when I read this my reaction was “is this real” and made me feel awkward and laugh. I think the reason I felt that way is because this concept is a little ridiculous. I’m going to be honest I think it’s gong to be really to pull off. You could add realistic elements by making the relationship between Nick and Maria stronger.
Also why I don’t think this movie will come off serious is it seems like your trying to make a social statement with a very unusual concept. True blood works because a lot of the story deals with drugs, money laundering, and a lot of sex. Those themes and story elements seem to be more convincing in a vampire story than the illegal immigrant problem in this country.
“NICK (panting) Either you hunt, or you will be hunted. Understand that we are all you have now.”
I don’t think this will be taken in a serious manner. It’s corny. Like his anger seems unjust. He’s seems like a levelheaded guy who is trying to comfort Maria.
Ok I just finished. I’m concerned that you will be able to make this script work. Your script right now is a movie about a girl finding out about the truth of all the Mexicans getting eaten in the dess then killing the guy who eats the Mexicans and then joines another group who are Mexicans who want to stop Nick evan though he is alrealdy dead. One of the big problems is that your girl needs to have one big conflict, which she doesn’t have. We’ll that’s not true her big conflict is stopping the Mexican deaths in the desert which is solved. I guess I am not rooting for her at anytime in the movie. All your scenes seem very short with really corny dialogue. Like I honestly think people will laugh. I know that is really mean but I laughed and the kid I’m sitting next to laughed and we both felt really bad for laughing. But I don’t want that to happen when screen your movie. The way I think you can save this movie is her relationship with Nick needs to feel like a real relationship. It needs to have honest moments that every human can relate to.
I think you need to make your comments on stopping the Mexican deaths in the desert subtler. It’s hitting us in the face really fucking hard and it’s hard for me to take the film seriously by the way your pushing your somewhat political agenda. The thing is you need to work on your script and try to come at from an honest point of view. I’m sorry I can’t give you more detailed advice and suggestions because if the little changes will make your script better. I think it needs some dramatic change for the concept to work. This is just my opinion take what you want. Love you P
And thank you to everyone who commented before for giving really useful feedback.
Jesus I must say that I like where the script has ended up, and how far it has gone since the first draft. I feel that it is ready to shoot and that it makes sense now, (there are no confusing vampire parts like before).
ReplyDeleteI must say that I am excited to edit this film, I a curious to see the rest of your FMJ and to see how you end up shooting this film in terms of color and angles. I feel that we can get together and discuss (once in the editing process) filters and effects that could really stylize this film and make it really dark. I feel like the scripts yields two different worlds, and that we can use that in the editing room to make some really nice effects.
I don’t remember the scene in which Nick, Rudy and Maria are in the house with the immigrants but I definitely like it, it adds a sense of horror to the story, especially when the boy whispers hello and is silenced by his mother. And the subsequent conversation about Maria being bitten between Nick and Rudy is also something new that you added that I think works really well and introduces a different type of struggle in the story instead of just being between the vampires and the immigrants you’ve introduced an inner group struggle. It seems you changed a lot in the script (too much to focus on anyone thing specifically) but it all seems to work and I like your story more than I did before, so I’d definitely stick with what you got right now because it’s way better than the original.
ReplyDeleteI really like all the changes you've made. I think the scene in the house works really well and the story overall feels so much better with these new structural changes.
ReplyDeleteI don't really have any constructive feedback to give on this draft other then I think it's a good improvement and another step in the right direction.
Jesus,
ReplyDeleteNice changes. In the beginning I wasn't sure who the main character was. I knew it was Maria once the V.O starts but it seems a little late to start the V.O. I'm not sure how but I think it would work better if you brought in a V.O earlier so we know this is the main character. (not a big deal at all.) Overall, I really like the new script. I was invested and interested the entire time. I like the ending but I don't love it. It's not as climactic as the old one but I like how you show that both sides are corrupt. Maybe there is a way you can build up more fear from this rival group so we become even more relieved when we find out they're one in the same.
“On the front line stands Maria, a young beautiful
ReplyDeleteMexican girl ready to give anything for the liberation of
this man.”
How do we know that?
“Very interesting.”
Maybe take that out. –
“desert, she urges the public to act and stop this tragedy as she blames her deaths”
Has Lizette died many times? Also cap her name son in that paragraph. Also if it wasn’t for google translator I wouldn’t know what the fuck you were saying. The way to do is :
LIZETTE
(in Spanish)
Now type in English so
everyone can understand.
“MARIA V.O.
He took a lot more than my
virginity that night. If it would
have been that I would have been
fine.”
That line makes me fell awkward as fuck. I don’t like it. It takes me out of the story because I start to think you are trying to give the audience hint she became a vampire in cleaver/sexy way, but it just makes me mad.
I don’t think your VO is necessary. It takes you out of the story. I feel like you need to make this as honest and real as possible. Right now on page 4 everything feels like the characters and dialogue are cliché and unoriginal except for the Mexican vampire stuff. But it would tight if you could make that story into something believable.
“MARIA
Nick?
NICK
Hey there..... how are you?
MARIA
I’m hungry.
NICK
Let’s get you something to eat.”
The scene is corny the lines are corny, it seems fake.
“NICK
Look Maria, if we go after goats
and cows, people look for us.
People get upset that their
precious cattle is gone. If we go
after illegals crossing the desert,
they blame the heat and we walk
away. We need our blood.. but we
cannot risk getting caught.. again.”
This isn’t really a justified excuse. To be honest when I read this my reaction was “is this real” and made me feel awkward and laugh. I think the reason I felt that way is because this concept is a little ridiculous. I’m going to be honest I think it’s gong to be really to pull off. You could add realistic elements by making the relationship between Nick and Maria stronger.
Also why I don’t think this movie will come off serious is it seems like your trying to make a social statement with a very unusual concept. True blood works because a lot of the story deals with drugs, money laundering, and a lot of sex. Those themes and story elements seem to be more convincing in a vampire story than the illegal immigrant problem in this country.
“NICK
ReplyDelete(panting)
Either you hunt, or you will be
hunted. Understand that we are all
you have now.”
I don’t think this will be taken in a serious manner. It’s corny. Like his anger seems unjust. He’s seems like a levelheaded guy who is trying to comfort Maria.
Ok I just finished. I’m concerned that you will be able to make this script work. Your script right now is a movie about a girl finding out about the truth of all the Mexicans getting eaten in the dess then killing the guy who eats the Mexicans and then joines another group who are Mexicans who want to stop Nick evan though he is alrealdy dead.
One of the big problems is that your girl needs to have one big conflict, which she doesn’t have. We’ll that’s not true her big conflict is stopping the Mexican deaths in the desert which is solved. I guess I am not rooting for her at anytime in the movie. All your scenes seem very short with really corny dialogue. Like I honestly think people will laugh. I know that is really mean but I laughed and the kid I’m sitting next to laughed and we both felt really bad for laughing. But I don’t want that to happen when screen your movie. The way I think you can save this movie is her relationship with Nick needs to feel like a real relationship. It needs to have honest moments that every human can relate to.
I think you need to make your comments on stopping the Mexican deaths in the desert subtler. It’s hitting us in the face really fucking hard and it’s hard for me to take the film seriously by the way your pushing your somewhat political agenda. The thing is you need to work on your script and try to come at from an honest point of view. I’m sorry I can’t give you more detailed advice and suggestions because if the little changes will make your script better. I think it needs some dramatic change for the concept to work. This is just my opinion take what you want. Love you P
And thank you to everyone who commented before for giving really useful feedback.