Nice!, I like it. I think that you took the criticism and feed back from delivery cycle one very well and that you did a great job addressing what I thought the two main issues were, one lack of character depth and bad ending. I think that with this new revision that the characters are more interesting and they seem fuller, and I think that your audience will notice that.
The other great fix is the ending I like the new ending I think that it reemphasizes that this is a comedy but a dark one, and unlike before something actually happens at the end. I personally feel that you are ready to shoot, I am really curious to see how this turns out.
Like the stuff you added in the beginning scene (i.e. rushing to the car to avoid the fans or how one of her first movies was Daddy, Daddy Look at Me!) this really helps to add to the sense of stardom and also goes to show that Rose is really big in performance and wants everyone to look at her and enjoys being the center of attention. The bit of dialogue between Rose and Kate about what it takes to be on top is a great instance of foreshadowing and I’m really glad you added it! I also love how you changed it to Kate actually kills Rose by spraying the poison into her mouth, this is a really powerful scene full of vengeance and envy and hate and I think it’s going to play out great; so will the ending result where she stuffs Rose’s broken body into the trunk. The introduction of the new character Cecilia hints to the audience that the same thing might happen to Kate that she did to Rose (almost as if there is a vicious cycle amidst this theater group). Overall, it looks like you changed a lot of the script, for the better if I might add, the ending is a lot better than the original and will definitely put the audience on the edge of their seats much like I was when Kate was killing everyone. I also enjoyed the ironic twist at the end.
Haley, I feel like I have got a better feel for what you are going for with this draft. Especially after you talking about you wanting this to be funny, I can really see how this can be comedic irony. For starters, in the begining when you use the Daddy, Daddy Look At Me, I really got a sense for the hidden punchlines in your text. After reading this, I could really see the comedy similar to what I have see in Ryan's Punch, where awkwardness and ridiculous situations are shown in a very funny way. I think overall, the killing of everyone really leaves you open for a lot of punchlines which I'm sure you will have no problem emphasizing. In addition, I feel that if you make the killing more and more intense, it will totally throw people off when she is killed in the end. I think the biggest thing is to help your audience understand what really goes on behind the scenes of a play, since many might not know. Overall, good job and good luck.
Hey Hayley, I thought you made a lot of good changes that added a lot of humor to it. I think as far as the Helen Keller musical goes, I think it's hilarious and it's got to be so annoying to find out later that South Park did it. I know how that feels and it blows. I have a long list of things I thought I invented until someone told me it exists. It started when I was 8 and I thought I created a superhero named "Master of Disaster". But anyway... Even though it sucks to do, I think you would be better off changing what the play is about because it's been done before. I liked how you built up the old ending with the cops waiting for her but she didn't care because it was her moment in the spotlight. I like this ending too but you see it coming when she hands her the water. There might be a way to build the suspense of the police while keeping your current ending. Overall, much better though and I think it's really close to a final draft.
PLEASE READ ALL OF THIS BECAUSE I PUT IN 3 HOURS INTO YOUR FEEDBACK. I think you have a good idea but,,,, your script isn’t working I don’t like it. (Just being honest bro) It hasn’t changed really from the first draft. Everything I think you needed to fix has gotten worse. Please read so to find out how I justify what I just said. Also I hate the bullshit feedback everyone gives everyone. K read now…..
“So who is the real Rose Fairwell? Born in London to a doctor and * suffragette, she wrote, directed * and starred in her first play, * “Daddy, Daddy Look at Me” at the * age of nine.”
I don’t know if it’s important for the audience to know Rose’s back-story. It might be best to only highlight only the things you want the audience to feel when they think of Rose. Like to me I think that you want the audience to feel that she’s a fucking bitch who thinks of everyone else as beneath her.
“The theater has a comforting smell like that of old book.”
Using these metaphors in your script could be damaging. Relying on words and literary devises to convey the emotion you want the reader to feel can be done with someone reading your script. But it can’t be done when watching a movie. Just a thought.
“The worn brick and creaky wood floors have enjoyed many legends.”
How would someone watching the film allow us to know that? You may want to say like autographed pictures hang on the walls of famous actors.
“ROSE How dare you interrupt my concentration?!? Acting is concentration you twit!”
I feel like she should say something harsher. Like really fucking manipulative and mean that everyone can relate to. Maybe something about how the person she’s yelling at job is to server her needs and she’ll never arise to anything. I feel like you got to put your self in the situation and feel how Rose would actually be feeling. What the fuck could Rose say that would make that girl cry?
“YOU CAN’T SIT THERE! THAT CHAIR IS * FOR WINSTON CHURCHILL! WHO DO YOU * THINK YOU ARE?!”
I don’t think that’s real. It’s seems like the audience needs to accept some inside information that Rose has with Winston Chruchill. To me it would be more effective if Kate DID SOMETHING to piss off Rose and then Rose reacted to scare Kate. And the things that Kate does to Rose has to with something earlier in the script or something that the audience will be able to relate too. Kate needs to challenge or insult Rose. Saying some bullshit line about Winston Chruchhill is just lazy and a copout to actually figuring stuff out. You need to put your self in the character’s and audience’s shoes and to make this situation feel real. Don’t worry about over writing just sit down and make the script honest.
Also having Kate and Rose fight about something the audience will understand gives the script depth and makes the audience understand and emphasize with the characters.
“ROSE (CONT’D) * You amateur! Christ, is there an * “actor” left in this building that * has decency?”
Again why does Rose think Kate is amateur. She’s like a 1 dementia villain by saying shit that the audience wont understand why she thinks that way. The audience needs to understand that Rose is a bitch but more importantly why she is a bitch. The way we find that out is by honesty.
“ROSE (CONT’D) Now any doe-eyed, nobody can come * to the theater and act like a * nincompoop. This isn’t a moving * picture set!”
Is Kate a nincompoop for sitting on her chair? I don’t by it. And did people say Nincompoop back then?
“Rose (CONT’D) * Leave that Hollywood blasphemy for * that shrill-voiced, horse-faced * Hepburn woman.”
Maybe would get a laugh but I think just saying that people who make movies are idiots is a stretch. There needs to be a reason that we should know why she thinks that or there is no reason for that line.
KATE I certainly agree. That Katharine Hepburn is a-
Hmm wow this is how Kate and Rose Bond? Is Kate just saying this to make Rose like her? Also does Kate like her in the beginning before she meets Rose. It may be cool if we find out that Kate looks up to Rose and when she meets her she’s a bitch. THAT IS SOMETHING THAT AUDIENCE’S UNDERSTAND WE’VE ALL HAVE HAD THAT EMOTIONAL EXEPREIANCE. GETTING YELLED AT BY SITTING IN A CHAIR BECAUSE OF SOME GRAND FIGURE MAY SIT IN IT ONE DAY ISN’T SOMETHING I RELATE TO OR FIND HONEST, OR I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT, OR I THINK IS INTRESTING OR FUNNY.
“Kate enters the hall hurt, embarrassed and angry. Just then the janitor wheels by with his CART. A giant POISON BOTTLE resides on top. *
JANITOR Damn rats. Breeding like...rats. The janitor parks the cart and steps away. * A light bulb goes off in Kate’s head. She knows how to get * back at Rose.”
Is the moment where Kate decides to KILL rose? Now in all honesty killing someone is a BIG FUCKING DEAL. I don’t think it’s realistic for Kate to kill Rose because of the following:
1. Rose calling Kate kitty 2. Telling Kate not to sit in a chair after Rose invited Kate to sit in it. 3. Telling Kate she’s an amateur (which in all honesty I kind of think Kate is compared to Rose) 4. Rose calling Kate “nincompoop.” 5. Calling Kate Karen.
I don’t know if I would kill anyone for those reasons. Maybe I would think it would be possible for someone to kill someone if I knew they were Crazy. And to me my impression of Kate is that she’s a very nice girl and not Crazy before she kills Rose. Also now that I’m thinking about it what does your beginning film real do for your movie? I think there is a better way of setting up Rose and Kate. It would be nice to have a sick inciting incident.
Like the way of killing her by using mouth spray is fine. I think you may have to “plant” the mouth spray earlier in the film, which may give the audience more of a reason to accept this and not think it’s just some random event. The “plant” needs to have a function so when Kate sees the poison it will trigger the feeling that I can only describe as “ooooohhh smart smart.” You kind of do this with the Janitor trying to kill rats earlier in the script but you need to do this with the mouth spray too.
“ROSE Do you know why I’m the greatest actress in the world, Carla?
ROSE (CONT’D) * I did what I had to do to get here. * You have to if you want to be the * best.”
That’s not really bad because: A. Rose is right you have to be the best B. This is corny and I’ve herd this a thousand times. C. I see what your going for because these lines parallel with Kate’s action of killing rose. This could be interesting moment but it might just come off as corny and cliché. D. It’s not honest. Like none of Roses lines seem honest to me. She seems like a chracter from a movie that says only the things that the character would say. She doesn’t seem like a real human. In real life people do things for a reason and I think that would make your movie come to life.
“KATE Farewell, Rose Fairwell.”
Heard it a million times. Not a moment to me. Just makes me mad and hate Kate. Like her doing a 180 turn in personality is not justified to me. Don’t get me wrong it’s way more justified then Ryan’s ending but still seams somewhat like lazy writing.
“TONY (O.S.) * Rose, darling? You have three * minutes ‘til curtain.”
I’m guessing you want the audience to feel, “what the fuck! Kate is fucked! OMG I love Kate I don’t want to see her get in trouble.” What I’m feeling is, “let see how Kate magically gets out of this one.”
“TONY * “I left. -Rose” Oh my Gawd, where * is she?! *”
Oh look Kate got out of this one because Toney is an fucking idiot and will by into to Kate’s note writing that says “I left.” (I do think that’s funny but) Hmm that’s seems realistic? I guess Toney will just accept the fact that Kate decide to leave 5 minutes before the show starts?
“he panicked”
How does he panic?
MONTAGE OF MAKEUP AND COSTUME BEING ASSEMBLED.
This could be funny and interesting if we showed Kate emotional experience of getting makeup put on for her to be the star.
“Toney Time to shine” It’s just corny and it’s hard for a actor to be “in the moment when he says shit like that.
“STAGEHAND Should we look for Rose?
TONY You cares where that old cunt is, this kid is good.”
Oh look a moment of conflict being shut down because it would make the script less realistic, interesting and be filled with conflict.
“KNOCK! The terrified stagehand is at the door. * STAGEHAND * Miss F- uh, R-R-Rose? * Kate throws Rose back into the closet and hides in the * bathroom. The stagehand enters.”
Ok So I don’t how long but Rose has been dead now for what I’m guessing is more than a day. ( I found out later after I read this that it has been for the entire time the show has been running which the audience will interpret as more than a month.) It’s seems that it is illogical for someone to be looking for Rose now. Also wouldn’t Kate have done something with body?
I think you could come up with excuses for this action in the script but I do believe any excuse you make, this problem will not be solved. I think that I, and others will be asking and thinking these questions too. If someone begins to think of these questions when watching the movie it will take them out. You need to have your movie be perfect in every way. And this, to me, could potentially fuck your movie over.
“Knocking this time is KINGSTON MAYNARD PRICE, the most * notorious playboy in Manhattan who also happens to be Rose’s * agent. He is the works: tall, dark, handsome and slick. His * OVERCOAT hangs over his left forearm.”
How will the audience know who the fuck he is. We do see him earlier in the beginning but I’m guess 50% of the people will not know who he is or will be asking “who is that or is that the guy from the newsreel, what does he do again.” You need to A make his moment in the newsreel be very fucking important. But I think you are trying to have a moment of tension and to have the audience think that Price, Roses long time agent, will for definitely find out about Kate killing Rose.
“PRICE * You see Kate, I came here tonight * to watch Rose, but lo and behold * there you are! Removing any thought * of Rose from that stage! I think * you’re good, Kate. I’d like to * represent you.”
Oh that’s weird the moment of conflict that could have happened just magically works out in Kate’s favor. Some how Price doesn’t have a sole and is willing to forget the famous Rose for some little one hit wonder Kate. Is his penis telling him to do this or does he think that Kate will make him some money.
Oh everything just happens to work in Kate’s favor because she somehow has magical powers. I mean if she did anything to make sure she doesn’t get fucked over would be one thing, but why would Kate have to actually do anything when everything just happens to work out for her. She must be pretty fucking lucky!!!
No No No! Kate needs to do something. It’s making me mad how everything just happens to go her way. I don’t want to see that. Who the fuck wants to see that type of movie? Think about it, if the main character of any movie you saw ran into some problems and they just happened to work out for bullshit unrealistic reasons you would turn that movie off.
“Kate feverishly hoists him into the closet over his former lover, putting their bodies in scandalous position. With all her might, Kate slams the door shut, using her shoulder.”
Oh that’s weird when was the last time a girl killed a guy with under where?
“Kate takes her seat on stage with a BRAILLE BOOK in her * hands. The lights come up and the crowd goes nuts. Queue the showy “Dots on My Hand” number.”
Are we going to see these performances? I hope we do. You should try to describe them in the script.
“She stands on stage in darkness. Then the spotlight hits her. She feels the audience’s warmth...but it’s not the audience’s warmth she feels. What she feels is the poison from the water she just drank. *
Kate opens her mouth and makes a gurgling noise. She looks off stage. Cecilia holds a POISON BOTTLE down by her side with a maniacal look on her face. * Kate looks out to her audience panic-stricken, unable to breath. She let’s out her last words:”
Ok we’ll I’m going to admit, I don’t like the ending. It’s better than Ryan’s because, well, Cecilia is mentioned in the movie before she kills the main character and other logical reasons. After reading it I don’t think there is any conflict that makes me feel tension or apathetic to any character. Here are the conflicts to that are in your movie:
Kate getting insulted by Rose. Kate killing Rose. Kate hiding the body from Toney. Kate hiding the body and killing STAGEHAND. Kate hiding the body and killing PRICE. Kate being killed by CECILIA.
So the main conflict is Kate hiding Roses Body. The way that your conflict is being played out isn’t working for me because it’s neither funny nor interesting, and doesn’t make me feel any tension. I don’t know about you but that’s how I feel.
Also the ending is random and doesn’t serve you’re first and second act. The first act is about killing rose. The second act is about hiding Rose’s body, and the third act is Kate being killed by a random dancer who seems very nice and sweet.
Now I don’t know what your going for but the message your sending is that if you want to get ahead in show business you have to kill the person in your way, similar to the mafia.
And the usual things people do to become successful like working hard, being talented, and not giving up aren’t actually things that will help you. Your movie seems like a world where anything can happen because you the writer is to lazy to come up with logical real honest solutions them too.
Honestly Hayley, (I’m sorry but I feel like I need to say this) I feel like you haven’t’ put in work to this script. Like it hasn’t changed that much from the first draft to the second draft. I feel like you and others in the class aren’t taking this class seriously, which is the worst class not to take seriously.
This is probably our only time where were going to be in a environment to make and commit a lot of fucking time to making a movie. We get to use free crew, equipment, and a camera, and we have a class where we can get feed back from our peers and Adam, and any other film teacher if you bug them enough. Like you will never be able to do this again, unless you go to grad school.
When you get out of college you will most likely have to get a shitty job in the film industry. But to me the capstone is one of the ways all of us will be able to be a director, which I know you want to do. It’s hard to work your way up to being a director in Hollywood. The most common ways people do it is by making their own film, or writing. You need to prove to people that you have the ability to take a script and turn it into a working movie. That’s like one of the only sold ways someone will give you money or a directing job.
Hayley, you’re so fucking smart and talented I hate it that I don’t think your giving capstone your all. Films is the hardest and one of the most competitive industries and not dedicating your self to making a film will not let you do the job you want to do.
I understand if any one reads this and gets pissed off because I, Barry Rubin, someone who hasn’t made anything good on a professional level or even a student level is telling them how to become successful in Hollywood. But this is what I think, and I think I would be doing you a disfavor by not being honest.
Most people in our class don’t understand what the revision process of a script is. Most scripts 1st draft looks nothing like what the their final draft ends up being. Most people do 90 drafts and the reason there final draft becomes good is because it took 90 times to change the story to be able to figure out how and what makes their script good and interesting and has the ability to be adapted into a film.
I love you but I think you need to step your shit up. Love Barry Rubin
Nice!, I like it. I think that you took the criticism and feed back from delivery cycle one very well and that you did a great job addressing what I thought the two main issues were, one lack of character depth and bad ending. I think that with this new revision that the characters are more interesting and they seem fuller, and I think that your audience will notice that.
ReplyDeleteThe other great fix is the ending I like the new ending I think that it reemphasizes that this is a comedy but a dark one, and unlike before something actually happens at the end. I personally feel that you are ready to shoot, I am really curious to see how this turns out.
Hayley I love this draft!
ReplyDeleteA million times improved from the last one I read. It's the perfect length and everything you've changed and added works great.
Only suggestion I have is to maybe have Kate be a bit more rude to Cecilia, similar to how Rose was rude to Kate before she kills her.
Overall amazing though. Can't wait to help you shoot this.
Like the stuff you added in the beginning scene (i.e. rushing to the car to avoid the fans or how one of her first movies was Daddy, Daddy Look at Me!) this really helps to add to the sense of stardom and also goes to show that Rose is really big in performance and wants everyone to look at her and enjoys being the center of attention. The bit of dialogue between Rose and Kate about what it takes to be on top is a great instance of foreshadowing and I’m really glad you added it! I also love how you changed it to Kate actually kills Rose by spraying the poison into her mouth, this is a really powerful scene full of vengeance and envy and hate and I think it’s going to play out great; so will the ending result where she stuffs Rose’s broken body into the trunk. The introduction of the new character Cecilia hints to the audience that the same thing might happen to Kate that she did to Rose (almost as if there is a vicious cycle amidst this theater group). Overall, it looks like you changed a lot of the script, for the better if I might add, the ending is a lot better than the original and will definitely put the audience on the edge of their seats much like I was when Kate was killing everyone. I also enjoyed the ironic twist at the end.
ReplyDeleteHaley,
ReplyDeleteI feel like I have got a better feel for what you are going for with this draft. Especially after you talking about you wanting this to be funny, I can really see how this can be comedic irony. For starters, in the begining when you use the Daddy, Daddy Look At Me, I really got a sense for the hidden punchlines in your text. After reading this, I could really see the comedy similar to what I have see in Ryan's Punch, where awkwardness and ridiculous situations are shown in a very funny way. I think overall, the killing of everyone really leaves you open for a lot of punchlines which I'm sure you will have no problem emphasizing. In addition, I feel that if you make the killing more and more intense, it will totally throw people off when she is killed in the end. I think the biggest thing is to help your audience understand what really goes on behind the scenes of a play, since many might not know. Overall, good job and good luck.
Hey Hayley,
ReplyDeleteI thought you made a lot of good changes that added a lot of humor to it. I think as far as the Helen Keller musical goes, I think it's hilarious and it's got to be so annoying to find out later that South Park did it. I know how that feels and it blows. I have a long list of things I thought I invented until someone told me it exists. It started when I was 8 and I thought I created a superhero named "Master of Disaster". But anyway... Even though it sucks to do, I think you would be better off changing what the play is about because it's been done before. I liked how you built up the old ending with the cops waiting for her but she didn't care because it was her moment in the spotlight. I like this ending too but you see it coming when she hands her the water. There might be a way to build the suspense of the police while keeping your current ending. Overall, much better though and I think it's really close to a final draft.
PLEASE READ ALL OF THIS BECAUSE I PUT IN 3 HOURS INTO YOUR FEEDBACK. I think you have a good idea but,,,, your script isn’t working I don’t like it. (Just being honest bro) It hasn’t changed really from the first draft. Everything I think you needed to fix has gotten worse. Please read so to find out how I justify what I just said. Also I hate the bullshit feedback everyone gives everyone. K read now…..
ReplyDelete“So who is the real Rose Fairwell?
Born in London to a doctor and *
suffragette, she wrote, directed *
and starred in her first play, *
“Daddy, Daddy Look at Me” at the *
age of nine.”
I don’t know if it’s important for the audience to know Rose’s back-story. It might be best to only highlight only the things you want the audience to feel when they think of Rose. Like to me I think that you want the audience to feel that she’s a fucking bitch who thinks of everyone else as beneath her.
“The theater has a comforting smell like that of old book.”
Using these metaphors in your script could be damaging. Relying on words and literary devises to convey the emotion you want the reader to feel can be done with someone reading your script. But it can’t be done when watching a movie. Just a thought.
“The worn brick and creaky wood floors have enjoyed many legends.”
How would someone watching the film allow us to know that? You may want to say like autographed pictures hang on the walls of famous actors.
“ROSE
How dare you interrupt my
concentration?!? Acting is
concentration you twit!”
I feel like she should say something harsher. Like really fucking manipulative and mean that everyone can relate to. Maybe something about how the person she’s yelling at job is to server her needs and she’ll never arise to anything. I feel like you got to put your self in the situation and feel how Rose would actually be feeling. What the fuck could Rose say that would make that girl cry?
“YOU CAN’T SIT THERE! THAT CHAIR IS *
FOR WINSTON CHURCHILL! WHO DO YOU *
THINK YOU ARE?!”
I don’t think that’s real. It’s seems like the audience needs to accept some inside information that Rose has with Winston Chruchill. To me it would be more effective if Kate DID SOMETHING to piss off Rose and then Rose reacted to scare Kate. And the things that Kate does to Rose has to with something earlier in the script or something that the audience will be able to relate too. Kate needs to challenge or insult Rose. Saying some bullshit line about Winston Chruchhill is just lazy and a copout to actually figuring stuff out. You need to put your self in the character’s and audience’s shoes and to make this situation feel real. Don’t worry about over writing just sit down and make the script honest.
Also having Kate and Rose fight about something the audience will understand gives the script depth and makes the audience understand and emphasize with the characters.
“ROSE (CONT’D) *
You amateur! Christ, is there an *
“actor” left in this building that *
has decency?”
Again why does Rose think Kate is amateur. She’s like a 1 dementia villain by saying shit that the audience wont understand why she thinks that way. The audience needs to understand that Rose is a bitch but more importantly why she is a bitch. The way we find that out is by honesty.
“ROSE (CONT’D)
Now any doe-eyed, nobody can come *
to the theater and act like a *
nincompoop. This isn’t a moving *
picture set!”
Is Kate a nincompoop for sitting on her chair? I don’t by it. And did people say Nincompoop back then?
“Rose (CONT’D) *
ReplyDeleteLeave that Hollywood blasphemy for *
that shrill-voiced, horse-faced *
Hepburn woman.”
Maybe would get a laugh but I think just saying that people who make movies are idiots is a stretch. There needs to be a reason that we should know why she thinks that or there is no reason for that line.
KATE
I certainly agree. That Katharine
Hepburn is a-
Hmm wow this is how Kate and Rose Bond? Is Kate just saying this to make Rose like her? Also does Kate like her in the beginning before she meets Rose. It may be cool if we find out that Kate looks up to Rose and when she meets her she’s a bitch. THAT IS SOMETHING THAT AUDIENCE’S UNDERSTAND WE’VE ALL HAVE HAD THAT EMOTIONAL EXEPREIANCE. GETTING YELLED AT BY SITTING IN A CHAIR BECAUSE OF SOME GRAND FIGURE MAY SIT IN IT ONE DAY ISN’T SOMETHING I RELATE TO OR FIND HONEST, OR I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT, OR I THINK IS INTRESTING OR FUNNY.
“Kate enters the hall hurt, embarrassed and angry. Just then
the janitor wheels by with his CART. A giant POISON BOTTLE resides on top. *
JANITOR
Damn rats. Breeding like...rats.
The janitor parks the cart and steps away. *
A light bulb goes off in Kate’s head. She knows how to get *
back at Rose.”
Is the moment where Kate decides to KILL rose? Now in all honesty killing someone is a BIG FUCKING DEAL. I don’t think it’s realistic for Kate to kill Rose because of the following:
1. Rose calling Kate kitty
2. Telling Kate not to sit in a chair after Rose invited Kate to sit in it.
3. Telling Kate she’s an amateur (which in all honesty I kind of think Kate is compared to Rose)
4. Rose calling Kate “nincompoop.”
5. Calling Kate Karen.
I don’t know if I would kill anyone for those reasons. Maybe I would think it would be possible for someone to kill someone if I knew they were Crazy. And to me my impression of Kate is that she’s a very nice girl and not Crazy before she kills Rose. Also now that I’m thinking about it what does your beginning film real do for your movie? I think there is a better way of setting up Rose and Kate. It would be nice to have a sick inciting incident.
Like the way of killing her by using mouth spray is fine. I think you may have to “plant” the mouth spray earlier in the film, which may give the audience more of a reason to accept this and not think it’s just some random event. The “plant” needs to have a function so when Kate sees the poison it will trigger the feeling that I can only describe as “ooooohhh smart smart.” You kind of do this with the Janitor trying to kill rats earlier in the script but you need to do this with the mouth spray too.
“ROSE
ReplyDeleteDo you know why I’m the greatest
actress in the world, Carla?
ROSE (CONT’D) *
I did what I had to do to get here. *
You have to if you want to be the *
best.”
That’s not really bad because:
A. Rose is right you have to be the best
B. This is corny and I’ve herd this a thousand times.
C. I see what your going for because these lines parallel with Kate’s action of killing rose. This could be interesting moment but it might just come off as corny and cliché.
D. It’s not honest. Like none of Roses lines seem honest to me. She seems like a chracter from a movie that says only the things that the character would say. She doesn’t seem like a real human. In real life people do things for a reason and I think that would make your movie come to life.
“KATE
Farewell, Rose Fairwell.”
Heard it a million times. Not a moment to me. Just makes me mad and hate Kate. Like her doing a 180 turn in personality is not justified to me. Don’t get me wrong it’s way more justified then Ryan’s ending but still seams somewhat like lazy writing.
“TONY (O.S.) *
Rose, darling? You have three *
minutes ‘til curtain.”
I’m guessing you want the audience to feel, “what the fuck! Kate is fucked! OMG I love Kate I don’t want to see her get in trouble.” What I’m feeling is, “let see how Kate magically gets out of this one.”
“TONY *
“I left. -Rose” Oh my Gawd, where *
is she?! *”
Oh look Kate got out of this one because Toney is an fucking idiot and will by into to Kate’s note writing that says “I left.” (I do think that’s funny but) Hmm that’s seems realistic? I guess Toney will just accept the fact that Kate decide to leave 5 minutes before the show starts?
“he panicked”
How does he panic?
MONTAGE OF MAKEUP AND COSTUME BEING ASSEMBLED.
This could be funny and interesting if we showed Kate emotional experience of getting makeup put on for her to be the star.
“Toney
Time to shine”
It’s just corny and it’s hard for a actor to be “in the moment when he says shit like that.
“STAGEHAND
Should we look for Rose?
TONY
You cares where that old cunt is, this kid is good.”
Oh look a moment of conflict being shut down because it would make the script less realistic, interesting and be filled with conflict.
“KNOCK! The terrified stagehand is at the door. *
STAGEHAND *
Miss F- uh, R-R-Rose? *
Kate throws Rose back into the closet and hides in the *
bathroom. The stagehand enters.”
Ok So I don’t how long but Rose has been dead now for what I’m guessing is more than a day. ( I found out later after I read this that it has been for the entire time the show has been running which the audience will interpret as more than a month.)
It’s seems that it is illogical for someone to be looking for Rose now. Also wouldn’t Kate have done something with body?
I think you could come up with excuses for this action in the script but I do believe any excuse you make, this problem will not be solved. I think that I, and others will be asking and thinking these questions too. If someone begins to think of these questions when watching the movie it will take them out. You need to have your movie be perfect in every way. And this, to me, could potentially fuck your movie over.
“Knocking this time is KINGSTON MAYNARD PRICE, the most *
notorious playboy in Manhattan who also happens to be Rose’s *
agent. He is the works: tall, dark, handsome and slick. His *
OVERCOAT hangs over his left forearm.”
How will the audience know who the fuck he is. We do see him earlier in the beginning but I’m guess 50% of the people will not know who he is or will be asking “who is that or is that the guy from the newsreel, what does he do again.” You need to A make his moment in the newsreel be very fucking important. But I think you are trying to have a moment of tension and to have the audience think that Price, Roses long time agent, will for definitely find out about Kate killing Rose.
“PRICE *
ReplyDeleteYou see Kate, I came here tonight *
to watch Rose, but lo and behold *
there you are! Removing any thought *
of Rose from that stage! I think *
you’re good, Kate. I’d like to *
represent you.”
Oh that’s weird the moment of conflict that could have happened just magically works out in Kate’s favor. Some how Price doesn’t have a sole and is willing to forget the famous Rose for some little one hit wonder Kate. Is his penis telling him to do this or does he think that Kate will make him some money.
Oh everything just happens to work in Kate’s favor because she somehow has magical powers. I mean if she did anything to make sure she doesn’t get fucked over would be one thing, but why would Kate have to actually do anything when everything just happens to work out for her. She must be pretty fucking lucky!!!
No No No! Kate needs to do something. It’s making me mad how everything just happens to go her way. I don’t want to see that. Who the fuck wants to see that type of movie? Think about it, if the main character of any movie you saw ran into some problems and they just happened to work out for bullshit unrealistic reasons you would turn that movie off.
“Kate feverishly hoists him into the closet over his former lover, putting their bodies in scandalous position. With all her might, Kate slams the door shut, using her shoulder.”
Oh that’s weird when was the last time a girl killed a guy with under where?
“Kate takes her seat on stage with a BRAILLE BOOK in her *
hands. The lights come up and the crowd goes nuts. Queue the showy “Dots on My Hand” number.”
Are we going to see these performances? I hope we do. You should try to describe them in the script.
“She stands on stage in darkness. Then the spotlight hits her. She feels the audience’s warmth...but it’s not the audience’s warmth she feels. What she feels is the poison from the water she just drank. *
Kate opens her mouth and makes a gurgling noise. She looks off stage. Cecilia holds a POISON BOTTLE down by her side with a maniacal look on her face. *
Kate looks out to her audience panic-stricken, unable to breath. She let’s out her last words:”
Ok we’ll I’m going to admit, I don’t like the ending. It’s better than Ryan’s because, well, Cecilia is mentioned in the movie before she kills the main character and other logical reasons. After reading it I don’t think there is any conflict that makes me feel tension or apathetic to any character. Here are the conflicts to that are in your movie:
Kate getting insulted by Rose.
Kate killing Rose.
Kate hiding the body from Toney.
Kate hiding the body and killing STAGEHAND.
Kate hiding the body and killing PRICE.
Kate being killed by CECILIA.
So the main conflict is Kate hiding Roses Body. The way that your conflict is being played out isn’t working for me because it’s neither funny nor interesting, and doesn’t make me feel any tension. I don’t know about you but that’s how I feel.
Also the ending is random and doesn’t serve you’re first and second act. The first act is about killing rose. The second act is about hiding Rose’s body, and the third act is Kate being killed by a random dancer who seems very nice and sweet.
Now I don’t know what your going for but the message your sending is that if you want to get ahead in show business you have to kill the person in your way, similar to the mafia.
And the usual things people do to become successful like working hard, being talented, and not giving up aren’t actually things that will help you. Your movie seems like a world where anything can happen because you the writer is to lazy to come up with logical real honest solutions them too.
Honestly Hayley, (I’m sorry but I feel like I need to say this) I feel like you haven’t’ put in work to this script. Like it hasn’t changed that much from the first draft to the second draft. I feel like you and others in the class aren’t taking this class seriously, which is the worst class not to take seriously.
ReplyDeleteThis is probably our only time where were going to be in a environment to make and commit a lot of fucking time to making a movie. We get to use free crew, equipment, and a camera, and we have a class where we can get feed back from our peers and Adam, and any other film teacher if you bug them enough. Like you will never be able to do this again, unless you go to grad school.
When you get out of college you will most likely have to get a shitty job in the film industry. But to me the capstone is one of the ways all of us will be able to be a director, which I know you want to do. It’s hard to work your way up to being a director in Hollywood. The most common ways people do it is by making their own film, or writing. You need to prove to people that you have the ability to take a script and turn it into a working movie. That’s like one of the only sold ways someone will give you money or a directing job.
Hayley, you’re so fucking smart and talented I hate it that I don’t think your giving capstone your all. Films is the hardest and one of the most competitive industries and not dedicating your self to making a film will not let you do the job you want to do.
I understand if any one reads this and gets pissed off because I, Barry Rubin, someone who hasn’t made anything good on a professional level or even a student level is telling them how to become successful in Hollywood. But this is what I think, and I think I would be doing you a disfavor by not being honest.
Most people in our class don’t understand what the revision process of a script is. Most scripts 1st draft looks nothing like what the their final draft ends up being. Most people do 90 drafts and the reason there final draft becomes good is because it took 90 times to change the story to be able to figure out how and what makes their script good and interesting and has the ability to be adapted into a film.
I love you but I think you need to step your shit up. Love Barry Rubin