Judging from all the descriptions in your script and the minimal dialogue, I really get a visual sense for what you are trying to do. Rather than talking your way through the film you are relying on your visuals to speak for you, which I feel will be a powerful tool. In addition to this, I feel as if you are relying on the information that your audience already should have to tell the story, for example that the devil has fire in his eyes.
Although I really get your story and feel as if it took me in a good journey, I do feel that the little dialogue that is used could be improved. I felt as if it was a tad bit predictable at times, such as in the end when he states that he just made time for her. I feel that since you are not relying on dialogue, this is not a big deal but I think it could really benefit from some revisions. In addition to this, I was not comfortable when it came to his wish. If the devil was to come to me or many other people and bet me something for my talent, I would make sure it was something well worth it. To me, a car seems minimal when it comes to the possibilities.
Schroeder and Lucy are both very powerful characters that I think any member of your audience can relate to. We’ve all either been Schroeder who doesn’t have a lot of time for their loved one and has a sense of envy towards someone or we’ve been Lucy who feels ignored and wishes we had the one we loved with us at all times. Having that connection with these characters makes the story even more powerful. Also, Schroeder’s greed to have what he can’t is also something your audience can relate to easily, because we’ve all wanted something that we can’t have or have jokingly said we’d sell our soul (something similar to what Schroeder did). Really enjoyed how the character Lucifer was presented, found it very interesting that the man we deem to have everything due to his power is driven to trick mortals into competitions for their musical talent.
I wouldn’t change or add a thing, as of right now I think your script is very strong and will make a great movie. I thoroughly enjoyed all of the aspects of your script, especially the part where all of the characters, but especially Schroeder, long for something more and he’s willing to risk what he has to obtain it, and this longing eventually leads to probably the greatest loss of all (his talent) but he ends up being happier than he ever was. Just the whole idea of things happen for a reason which I felt was portrayed very well in your script, is something I enjoyed and I’m sure your audience will as well. With all of this being said, I don’t see the need in making any scenes longer or shorter.
Due to the great development and crafting of the story, I’d say it makes perfect sense.
Neal what up? So I liked your script man. Very original however, I may have some concerns that you can take however you like. So you said in your fmj that you film is about guy who loves the shit of playing the piano. He is obsessed with it and doesn’t care that much about his gf. He has a piano off with the devil with the prize of a car and his talent. I feel like the car isn’t doing it for me because to me his most important thing right has to do with music or a piano. But then he looses to the devil and the devil takes his talent. So then he can’t play and is happy with his gf. I feel like he’s not really happy with her he’s more settling and is happy she is there since he cannot longer play the piano. I don’t know if you are trying to go that route of him getting back together with his gf because he CAN and not because he WANTS TO. That’s what I’m thinking right now. I am also curious of how the piano match is going to take place. Any special effects? I like it man.
I really enjoyed your script, it gave me a ton of information visually that had my mind trying to imagine all of the shots and sets that you will use. I think that if this film is shot and edited correctly that it could be a very good film, unfortunately on the other hand if the locations are not good, and if all things relating to visual design are not good then the film will not work. Meaning that I feel like much of this film will lean on visual and musical beauty rather than actual story, so I think that it will be very important that you put a ton of time into preparing for your shots and making sure that lighting is perfect.
I feel that you did a great job developing your characters, and that they gave me a good feel for what they will be like as people, my only concern is how little they all speak, and that goes back to my comment about how your visual design will play a big part to your film.
I hope that you can make this film work visually, because I think that if you succeed with that that it will be a great film.
Neal, Nice job with your descriptions. I look forward to seeing the 'piano on fire' scene. I am confused with Schroeders and Lucys relationship. They are so on and off in that beginning scene. They begin to yell at each other then she brings him food and its all lovey dovey again....it just seems a little weird in that scene. You'll probably use a lot of special effects which I look forward to seeing. I also wasn't a huge fan of the 'day dreaming' scenes for both characters. I don'y know...it just seems a little childish to me. Maybe that's something you can work on. Anyway, nice job and good luck.
So, I like the script. It is short and straight to the point. I guess for an 8min film it gives me enough background and story to keep me interested. The visuals will be extremely important, but I'm pretty sure you can rock it. The major critique I have is the dialogue. Most of dialogue is coming of corny and stiff. I would suggest asking someone for help with your dialogue to make it punchy and realistic. Once you have the character's dialogue squared away this film should work. I don't want to say your characters aren't fully there yet, because most of that will be fixed with better dialogue between the two of them. Also, I hate to say this but I hate how all he girlfriend does is be sweet and supportive... but I guess it fits your story. Okay, so far so good!
I really liked this. I think you did a great job at not going over the top or cheesy with the devil character. I really liked how you were able to tell so much of the story through visuals. The only part I really have a comment about is the ending. At first I didn't really love the ending but after I read your FMJ it's definitely the proper ending.
The only part I didn't understand was why he is embarrassed to be seen by his friends in her car. I also think it's a little weird that he is able to gamble his talents so quickly.
It's short and sweet and there's nothing wrong with that, short films should be...well short!
I think you need to raise the stakes. Schroeder needs to have more at stake when deciding to give up his soul. Conflict makes drama.
This story has got some biblical threads for sure! Did you refer to the bible for inspiration?
The dialogue is natural in places (I know this was a concern for you according to your FMJ). In other places it's forced. This will come if you focus and develop your characters.
Neal, I think you have a great visual piece here. It was packed with visual description so it seems like you have a good grasp on what you want. I think that telling a story visually is more powerful sometimes than dialogue. Saying this, I do think you need to improve your dialogue a little bit. Some parts do feel a little cheesy, but its not too bad
I do think that giving his talents up is a little too easy. I am a little confused because he gives them up s o easily, but doesn't feel too upset about it. If that is his life's work than it should be a lot harder to loose it.
I like your FMJ. It fits your story well and it looks good!
I like that it's short and doesn't waste time. I don't know how your thinking about getting a piano out in the desert but the visuals on that could be pretty awesome.
Your FMJ is cool and works well with your script. I can't think of too many things to comment on, it's a fun short script.
Schrodetzki! I loved the originality of this piece! Short, simple and to the point- my kind of film! I really enjoyed Lucifer's character, knowing that he is the Angel of Music. I think you can play even more with that idea.
One thing I would do, is raise the stakes during the actual piano play off. That will add to the intensity that you want for this scene. Also, when he loses, I'd like to see more pain. I mean, this is what he LOVES to do and it's being taken away from him. It's somewhat hard to believe that he'd be satisfied with his girlfriend like that at the end. He's always put his craft before his girlfriend and had that "MOB" mentality; I don't see how he'd just accept just being with her all of a sudden.
Other than those two things that can easily be fixed, I think you have something with great potential here! And talking to you on Madrid's set this past weekend I can not only see your passion through what we've talked about, but in the script as well. If you need any help on set or whatever, I'd definitely be down!
** I don't know if this means anything to you but this part made me LOL a little bit "As far as numbers go, I've enough souls. Everything's going smoothly in that regard." (great dialogue!)
Neal,
ReplyDeleteJudging from all the descriptions in your script and the minimal dialogue, I really get a visual sense for what you are trying to do. Rather than talking your way through the film you are relying on your visuals to speak for you, which I feel will be a powerful tool. In addition to this, I feel as if you are relying on the information that your audience already should have to tell the story, for example that the devil has fire in his eyes.
Although I really get your story and feel as if it took me in a good journey, I do feel that the little dialogue that is used could be improved. I felt as if it was a tad bit predictable at times, such as in the end when he states that he just made time for her. I feel that since you are not relying on dialogue, this is not a big deal but I think it could really benefit from some revisions. In addition to this, I was not comfortable when it came to his wish. If the devil was to come to me or many other people and bet me something for my talent, I would make sure it was something well worth it. To me, a car seems minimal when it comes to the possibilities.
Schroeder and Lucy are both very powerful characters that I think any member of your audience can relate to. We’ve all either been Schroeder who doesn’t have a lot of time for their loved one and has a sense of envy towards someone or we’ve been Lucy who feels ignored and wishes we had the one we loved with us at all times. Having that connection with these characters makes the story even more powerful. Also, Schroeder’s greed to have what he can’t is also something your audience can relate to easily, because we’ve all wanted something that we can’t have or have jokingly said we’d sell our soul (something similar to what Schroeder did). Really enjoyed how the character Lucifer was presented, found it very interesting that the man we deem to have everything due to his power is driven to trick mortals into competitions for their musical talent.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn’t change or add a thing, as of right now I think your script is very strong and will make a great movie. I thoroughly enjoyed all of the aspects of your script, especially the part where all of the characters, but especially Schroeder, long for something more and he’s willing to risk what he has to obtain it, and this longing eventually leads to probably the greatest loss of all (his talent) but he ends up being happier than he ever was. Just the whole idea of things happen for a reason which I felt was portrayed very well in your script, is something I enjoyed and I’m sure your audience will as well. With all of this being said, I don’t see the need in making any scenes longer or shorter.
Due to the great development and crafting of the story, I’d say it makes perfect sense.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteNeal what up? So I liked your script man. Very original however, I may have some concerns that you can take however you like. So you said in your fmj that you film is about guy who loves the shit of playing the piano. He is obsessed with it and doesn’t care that much about his gf. He has a piano off with the devil with the prize of a car and his talent. I feel like the car isn’t doing it for me because to me his most important thing right has to do with music or a piano. But then he looses to the devil and the devil takes his talent. So then he can’t play and is happy with his gf. I feel like he’s not really happy with her he’s more settling and is happy she is there since he cannot longer play the piano. I don’t know if you are trying to go that route of him getting back together with his gf because he CAN and not because he WANTS TO. That’s what I’m thinking right now. I am also curious of how the piano match is going to take place. Any special effects? I like it man.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your script, it gave me a ton of information visually that had my mind trying to imagine all of the shots and sets that you will use. I think that if this film is shot and edited correctly that it could be a very good film, unfortunately on the other hand if the locations are not good, and if all things relating to visual design are not good then the film will not work. Meaning that I feel like much of this film will lean on visual and musical beauty rather than actual story, so I think that it will be very important that you put a ton of time into preparing for your shots and making sure that lighting is perfect.
ReplyDeleteI feel that you did a great job developing your characters, and that they gave me a good feel for what they will be like as people, my only concern is how little they all speak, and that goes back to my comment about how your visual design will play a big part to your film.
I hope that you can make this film work visually, because I think that if you succeed with that that it will be a great film.
Neal,
ReplyDeleteNice job with your descriptions. I look forward to seeing the 'piano on fire' scene. I am confused with Schroeders and Lucys relationship. They are so on and off in that beginning scene. They begin to yell at each other then she brings him food and its all lovey dovey again....it just seems a little weird in that scene. You'll probably use a lot of special effects which I look forward to seeing. I also wasn't a huge fan of the 'day dreaming' scenes for both characters. I don'y know...it just seems a little childish to me. Maybe that's something you can work on. Anyway, nice job and good luck.
Hey Neal,
ReplyDeleteSo, I like the script. It is short and straight to the point. I guess for an 8min film it gives me enough background and story to keep me interested. The visuals will be extremely important, but I'm pretty sure you can rock it. The major critique I have is the dialogue. Most of dialogue is coming of corny and stiff. I would suggest asking someone for help with your dialogue to make it punchy and realistic. Once you have the character's dialogue squared away this film should work. I don't want to say your characters aren't fully there yet, because most of that will be fixed with better dialogue between the two of them. Also, I hate to say this but I hate how all he girlfriend does is be sweet and supportive... but I guess it fits your story. Okay, so far so good!
I really liked this. I think you did a great job at not going over the top or cheesy with the devil character. I really liked how you were able to tell so much of the story through visuals. The only part I really have a comment about is the ending. At first I didn't really love the ending but after I read your FMJ it's definitely the proper ending.
ReplyDeleteThe only part I didn't understand was why he is embarrassed to be seen by his friends in her car. I also think it's a little weird that he is able to gamble his talents so quickly.
Thanks for the feedback, all of your opinions are correct.
ReplyDelete-Neal
Neal-
ReplyDeleteIt's short and sweet and there's nothing wrong with that, short films should be...well short!
I think you need to raise the stakes. Schroeder needs to have more at stake when deciding to give up his soul. Conflict makes drama.
This story has got some biblical threads for sure! Did you refer to the bible for inspiration?
The dialogue is natural in places (I know this was a concern for you according to your FMJ). In other places it's forced. This will come if you focus and develop your characters.
Rock on, Piano Man!
-HK
Neal,
ReplyDeleteI think you have a great visual piece here. It was packed with visual description so it seems like you have a good grasp on what you want. I think that telling a story visually is more powerful sometimes than dialogue. Saying this, I do think you need to improve your dialogue a little bit. Some parts do feel a little cheesy, but its not too bad
I do think that giving his talents up is a little too easy. I am a little confused because he gives them up s o easily, but doesn't feel too upset about it. If that is his life's work than it should be a lot harder to loose it.
I like your FMJ. It fits your story well and it looks good!
Good job. Great story. keep up the good work!
Hey Neal,
ReplyDeleteI like that it's short and doesn't waste time. I don't know how your thinking about getting a piano out in the desert but the visuals on that could be pretty awesome.
Your FMJ is cool and works well with your script. I can't think of too many things to comment on, it's a fun short script.
Schrodetzki! I loved the originality of this piece! Short, simple and to the point- my kind of film! I really enjoyed Lucifer's character, knowing that he is the Angel of Music. I think you can play even more with that idea.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I would do, is raise the stakes during the actual piano play off. That will add to the intensity that you want for this scene. Also, when he loses, I'd like to see more pain. I mean, this is what he LOVES to do and it's being taken away from him. It's somewhat hard to believe that he'd be satisfied with his girlfriend like that at the end. He's always put his craft before his girlfriend and had that "MOB" mentality; I don't see how he'd just accept just being with her all of a sudden.
Other than those two things that can easily be fixed, I think you have something with great potential here! And talking to you on Madrid's set this past weekend I can not only see your passion through what we've talked about, but in the script as well. If you need any help on set or whatever, I'd definitely be down!
** I don't know if this means anything to you but this part made me LOL a little bit "As far as numbers go, I've enough souls. Everything's going smoothly in that regard." (great dialogue!)
http://pro-av.panasonic.net/en/3d/ag-3da1/index.html
ReplyDeleteNeil, You have to use this shit!!! You have the perfect movie to shoot in 3D and it's viable now as far as cost goes.