The characters were pretty relatable. We’ve all known someone like Kate who will go to extremes to try and help someone even if they don’t want it, and we’ve known someone like Sal who doesn’t want help and is happy as long as they have their one vice. Other than that there really isn’t much depth to them.
Might want to add some character depth, I really didn’t feel like I was all that connected to them. I actually think it’d be pretty interesting and funny to see what happens after they get to that town and see what Sal does.
Some of the sayings that Sal had were funny, it was more of a dead-pan humor but with the right actor it’d be funny. I found it amusing when Kate reaches the mountain and realizes she has to climb it, I’d keep that too.
The interactions between Kate and Sal seemed really short and choppy; if you made it a little longer I think that might add to the comedy of the script.
The script may have been a little short but it made sense.
What up brooks? I like your movie and I don’t have that much to say about it. I thought your dialogue was pretty good. I didn’t think that any of it would sound corny or unrealistic. In fact I think your dialogue allowed your characters to have a distinct voice. So your movie is close to what you have in your fmj. I don’t think sal ever learns that his addiction is getting in the way of his relationship. She really seems not to care that he smokes cigarettes. In fact she seems like she likes cigs too.
I remember I was in 12th grade and I used to dip. My gf hated it and I was a movie with her and I really wanted to dip and she told me strait up don’t do it. But I was like fuck it and I did it anyway right in front of her cause I was feening so bad. She started crying not because I dipped but because I choose the dip over her. That’s a problem man. Last summer I was in my friends car begging to let me dip. He said no because he claimed the smell of dip made him sick. I don’t believe that shit and I think he was on some power trip but that car ride really did affect my friendship with him. I quit dip in augest if anyone cared. (good job barry thanks.)
So what I’m saying is I could relate to your film because I was/probably still am addicted to nicotine. But I feel like people who never been will have a hard time understanding what it’s like feen for nicotine and not be able to get it. Maybe you can expand that by him brining up the fact that she didn’t bring the carton of cigarettes.
The ending really did throw me by surprised but I think you could add some elements in to the plot that will make the ending even more powerful. Like I’m guessing she brings him their because she cares about him. We never really see that in the film. It seems like their brother and sister. I don’t maybe they could be fighting about something that’s a underlining problem that can be solved by the place that their going to. I’m talking about a problem that a lot more personal then forgetting cigs. Alight man I like it so far.
**This is another film that I would be interested in editing**
I have to say that your script is really good, it had me guessing until the end, and the ending really surprised me. Turbo made the comment about Sals humor and the interactions between him and Kate being short, also the script is fairly simple and short, now, this could be a good thing, and this could be a bad thing. I think that for your film, the casting and acting will be everything. If the two actors are really good, they can make this simple dialogue hilarious and make your work pure genius for being so simple, but on the other hand if your acting is bad, there goes the entire film. So my advice is take your time finding your actors.
The only real thing that bothered me about the script was that there were so many typo's, I know it happens and that its kind of picky of me but i felt like it took me out of the story a few times, and that it became a bit of a distraction. I would suggest just giving it a quick look over, I think that it would help a lot to your actors and others reading the script.
On a final note I must say that I really like the towns convenience store, it gave me a very creepy pleasantville feeling which I think could be very funny.
Unlike Barry's sob story, I find it hard to relate to these characters. I am not saying your movie is unbelievable or bad in any sense, I have just never personally had an addiction that has bugged another person. Even though I have smoked cigarettes in multiple occasions, I never found myself really wanting one so bad. That being said I found myself quite frustrated when I read your script because in my mind all I could think was how this guy should probably not be smoking so much anyway. However, I do understand that cigarettes are addictive and cause people to have a great deal of cravings, I am simply stating the opinions of a nonsmoker. I am not saying your character is not believable, I'm just frustrated with the fact that he has such a strong addiction. (I believe this is something good).
Your female character was very interesting. She had a sense of control that was very weird but I liked it. Although she argued with her boyfriend, she stayed calm for the most part, and just went about her business. Also, I could not believe how many times she tripped. After a while I kept thinking to myself that this girl was an absolute klutz.
Lastly, the town you bring up in the last section was really odd for me. It reminded me of an episode of Southpark in which the kids are taken to a town set in the 1800s and the actors died before they broke their character. I am not sure if that was what you were going for, but I definitely got that feeling from your store clerk.
Brooks, Cool idea for a short film. I would like to start by saying that as I read through your script, I didn't realize that it was supposed to be a comedy until about half way through. I laughed to myself when "Sal" says "This place is not convenient at all" after not getting his smokes. I like the interaction, the obvious tension in the relationship between Sal and Kate, and I enjoy the pace at which the script progresses.
I wonder if your main character would benefit more, as far as character development goes, by losing his carton of smokes or having it destroyed on the way to Kate's aunt's house. I smoked for a long time and know that it's as important to anyone addicted to nicotine to remember your crutch. Other than that small note, I would like to offer my assistance with your dialogue (which I'm not great at) but I realize that after creating characters that speak and respond like the author, it can sound repetitive. Which, btw, I need help w/ for my script as well. Lastly, I love to swear, just in general, but I cringe when I read swear words in a script. To me, it takes more effort (for the character) not to swear than it does to let one fly. Just a thought. I can also understand that the Kate and Sal are upset and uncomfortable, so maybe cussing makes the most sense here.
I enjoyed your script, and you FMJ looks great. You say you're not a writer, but you've created a comically creative script that will play well, should you communicate all your ideas to the audience. Nice work!
I'm gonna be totally honest in my feedback in an effort to help you improve your script.
I thought most of your dialog was really bad. Everyone spoke very stiff and unrealistically. I would suggest going back through and saying the lines out loud to your self to see how they will sound when spoken. This might help fix them up a bit.
Also just a technical script note, when she is talking on the phone you don't have to make each line a new line you can have it all under one line and separate each one with ... .
I guess just overall I don't really like the plot but maybe that's just me. The whole scene when the car breaks down just feels like filler to me since it doesn't really do anything for the story.
I don't mean to sound harsh I just wanted to give you my honest opinion. I'll try and think of some helpful suggestions for class.
Brooks, The only criticism I have for your script is that it has many errors. It looks like you quickly wrote it and had not revised any of it. The characters seem a little boring to me. Make him a little more outrages....make her a little more caring for her boyfriend. They just seem like a boring couple. Make them interesting. I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the next few weeks. Good luck
I agree that there were quite a few typos. Also, there was one instance you used their instead on there.
At the end of page 7 Kate's response seemed unnatural. I didn't get why she answered yup to his question. On page 10, I felt the same way when she asks, "Didn't get anything? I told you not to go in there." I don't think you need the question. It seems like it doesn't fit.
One last note: I think at the gross convenient store they should carry at least one brand of cigarettes that are totally disgusting. It doesn’t seem realistic to me that they have absolutely no cigarettes. I don’t smoke, but a lot of my friends do and they say anything menthol is nasty as hell. Maybe something like that?
Hey Brooks, In my opinion, the ending saves this movie. To be honest, I was bored for the first 10 of the 12 pages. I never really realized that the big issue between them was the cigarettes. I agree with a little of what Barry said about the fact that the cigs needs to be a huge issue between the two of them. It seemed like there was a lot of aimless driving and I never really laughed at the jokes. I think the bare bones story has potential and could be done really well but I think you really need to dig into a more captivating story than aimless driving.
I feel bad because I haven't offered that much of a solution but I think you're going to need to dig into any killer jokes you have and fit them into the story because it's reading kind of dry right now.
It's clever. I agree with David and think you can get to the payoff quicker. Also, maybe make each beat more ludicrous. Maybe at one place he asks if they have chew, pipe tobacco, nicorette, anything! Make him go crazy and SHOW his addiction. So say you live with people with addictions/bad habits. What do they do when the need their fix? Ask them, study them, use your buddies as inspiration. Comedy comes from truth.
Right now your characters are 2D and not very interesting. Give them some life! Have fun creating this tobacco-ridden dude and his sneaky-ass GF.
It's a cute concept that can have a good payoff if you make Sal seem like he's losing his mind. Also, Kate is not very active. Maybe he keeps promising her he's gonna quit, then she at the end she makes him recall how he always says that. A flashback maybe to when he's super drunk and smoking can be a humorous moment there or something.
The characters were pretty relatable. We’ve all known someone like Kate who will go to extremes to try and help someone even if they don’t want it, and we’ve known someone like Sal who doesn’t want help and is happy as long as they have their one vice. Other than that there really isn’t much depth to them.
ReplyDeleteMight want to add some character depth, I really didn’t feel like I was all that connected to them. I actually think it’d be pretty interesting and funny to see what happens after they get to that town and see what Sal does.
Some of the sayings that Sal had were funny, it was more of a dead-pan humor but with the right actor it’d be funny. I found it amusing when Kate reaches the mountain and realizes she has to climb it, I’d keep that too.
The interactions between Kate and Sal seemed really short and choppy; if you made it a little longer I think that might add to the comedy of the script.
The script may have been a little short but it made sense.
What up brooks? I like your movie and I don’t have that much to say about it. I thought your dialogue was pretty good. I didn’t think that any of it would sound corny or unrealistic. In fact I think your dialogue allowed your characters to have a distinct voice. So your movie is close to what you have in your fmj. I don’t think sal ever learns that his addiction is getting in the way of his relationship. She really seems not to care that he smokes cigarettes. In fact she seems like she likes cigs too.
ReplyDeleteI remember I was in 12th grade and I used to dip. My gf hated it and I was a movie with her and I really wanted to dip and she told me strait up don’t do it. But I was like fuck it and I did it anyway right in front of her cause I was feening so bad. She started crying not because I dipped but because I choose the dip over her. That’s a problem man. Last summer I was in my friends car begging to let me dip. He said no because he claimed the smell of dip made him sick. I don’t believe that shit and I think he was on some power trip but that car ride really did affect my friendship with him. I quit dip in augest if anyone cared. (good job barry thanks.)
So what I’m saying is I could relate to your film because I was/probably still am addicted to nicotine. But I feel like people who never been will have a hard time understanding what it’s like feen for nicotine and not be able to get it. Maybe you can expand that by him brining up the fact that she didn’t bring the carton of cigarettes.
The ending really did throw me by surprised but I think you could add some elements in to the plot that will make the ending even more powerful. Like I’m guessing she brings him their because she cares about him. We never really see that in the film. It seems like their brother and sister. I don’t maybe they could be fighting about something that’s a underlining problem that can be solved by the place that their going to. I’m talking about a problem that a lot more personal then forgetting cigs. Alight man I like it so far.
**This is another film that I would be interested in editing**
ReplyDeleteI have to say that your script is really good, it had me guessing until the end, and the ending really surprised me. Turbo made the comment about Sals humor and the interactions between him and Kate being short, also the script is fairly simple and short, now, this could be a good thing, and this could be a bad thing. I think that for your film, the casting and acting will be everything. If the two actors are really good, they can make this simple dialogue hilarious and make your work pure genius for being so simple, but on the other hand if your acting is bad, there goes the entire film. So my advice is take your time finding your actors.
The only real thing that bothered me about the script was that there were so many typo's, I know it happens and that its kind of picky of me but i felt like it took me out of the story a few times, and that it became a bit of a distraction. I would suggest just giving it a quick look over, I think that it would help a lot to your actors and others reading the script.
On a final note I must say that I really like the towns convenience store, it gave me a very creepy pleasantville feeling which I think could be very funny.
Brooks,
ReplyDeleteUnlike Barry's sob story, I find it hard to relate to these characters. I am not saying your movie is unbelievable or bad in any sense, I have just never personally had an addiction that has bugged another person. Even though I have smoked cigarettes in multiple occasions, I never found myself really wanting one so bad. That being said I found myself quite frustrated when I read your script because in my mind all I could think was how this guy should probably not be smoking so much anyway. However, I do understand that cigarettes are addictive and cause people to have a great deal of cravings, I am simply stating the opinions of a nonsmoker. I am not saying your character is not believable, I'm just frustrated with the fact that he has such a strong addiction. (I believe this is something good).
Your female character was very interesting. She had a sense of control that was very weird but I liked it. Although she argued with her boyfriend, she stayed calm for the most part, and just went about her business. Also, I could not believe how many times she tripped. After a while I kept thinking to myself that this girl was an absolute klutz.
Lastly, the town you bring up in the last section was really odd for me. It reminded me of an episode of Southpark in which the kids are taken to a town set in the 1800s and the actors died before they broke their character. I am not sure if that was what you were going for, but I definitely got that feeling from your store clerk.
Brooks,
ReplyDeleteCool idea for a short film. I would like to start by saying that as I read through your script, I didn't realize that it was supposed to be a comedy until about half way through. I laughed to myself when "Sal" says "This place is not convenient at all" after not getting his smokes. I like the interaction, the obvious tension in the relationship between Sal and Kate, and I enjoy the pace at which the script progresses.
I wonder if your main character would benefit more, as far as character development goes, by losing his carton of smokes or having it destroyed on the way to Kate's aunt's house. I smoked for a long time and know that it's as important to anyone addicted to nicotine to remember your crutch. Other than that small note, I would like to offer my assistance with your dialogue (which I'm not great at) but I realize that after creating characters that speak and respond like the author, it can sound repetitive. Which, btw, I need help w/ for my script as well.
Lastly, I love to swear, just in general, but I cringe when I read swear words in a script. To me, it takes more effort (for the character) not to swear than it does to let one fly. Just a thought. I can also understand that the Kate and Sal are upset and uncomfortable, so maybe cussing makes the most sense here.
I enjoyed your script, and you FMJ looks great. You say you're not a writer, but you've created a comically creative script that will play well, should you communicate all your ideas to the audience. Nice work!
Brooks,
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna be totally honest in my feedback in an effort to help you improve your script.
I thought most of your dialog was really bad. Everyone spoke very stiff and unrealistically. I would suggest going back through and saying the lines out loud to your self to see how they will sound when spoken. This might help fix them up a bit.
Also just a technical script note, when she is talking on the phone you don't have to make each line a new line you can have it all under one line and separate each one with ... .
I guess just overall I don't really like the plot but maybe that's just me. The whole scene when the car breaks down just feels like filler to me since it doesn't really do anything for the story.
I don't mean to sound harsh I just wanted to give you my honest opinion. I'll try and think of some helpful suggestions for class.
Brooks,
ReplyDeleteThe only criticism I have for your script is that it has many errors. It looks like you quickly wrote it and had not revised any of it. The characters seem a little boring to me. Make him a little more outrages....make her a little more caring for her boyfriend. They just seem like a boring couple. Make them interesting. I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the next few weeks. Good luck
Brooks,
ReplyDeleteI agree that there were quite a few typos. Also, there was one instance you used their instead on there.
At the end of page 7 Kate's response seemed unnatural. I didn't get why she answered yup to his question. On page 10, I felt the same way when she asks, "Didn't get anything? I told you not to go in there." I don't think you need the question. It seems like it doesn't fit.
One last note: I think at the gross convenient store they should carry at least one brand of cigarettes that are totally disgusting. It doesn’t seem realistic to me that they have absolutely no cigarettes. I don’t smoke, but a lot of my friends do and they say anything menthol is nasty as hell. Maybe something like that?
Hey Brooks,
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, the ending saves this movie. To be honest, I was bored for the first 10 of the 12 pages. I never really realized that the big issue between them was the cigarettes. I agree with a little of what Barry said about the fact that the cigs needs to be a huge issue between the two of them. It seemed like there was a lot of aimless driving and I never really laughed at the jokes. I think the bare bones story has potential and could be done really well but I think you really need to dig into a more captivating story than aimless driving.
I feel bad because I haven't offered that much of a solution but I think you're going to need to dig into any killer jokes you have and fit them into the story because it's reading kind of dry right now.
Brooks-
ReplyDeleteIt's clever. I agree with David and think you can get to the payoff quicker. Also, maybe make each beat more ludicrous. Maybe at one place he asks if they have chew, pipe tobacco, nicorette, anything! Make him go crazy and SHOW his addiction. So say you live with people with addictions/bad habits. What do they do when the need their fix? Ask them, study them, use your buddies as inspiration. Comedy comes from truth.
Right now your characters are 2D and not very interesting. Give them some life! Have fun creating this tobacco-ridden dude and his sneaky-ass GF.
It's a cute concept that can have a good payoff if you make Sal seem like he's losing his mind. Also, Kate is not very active. Maybe he keeps promising her he's gonna quit, then she at the end she makes him recall how he always says that. A flashback maybe to when he's super drunk and smoking can be a humorous moment there or something.
Wow, I need a cigarette now.
-HK