The characters were a bit confusing. I understood that Maria had a crush on Nick and that Nick had a crush on Maria (or at least liked her enough to turn her into a vampire) but other than that the depth for them was very minimal.
Honestly I think you need to add a little more depth to the characters, I didn’t feel a connection to them and without that connection I found myself wondering, why should I care? You’re entire description about Maria going through the process of being turned into a vampire is very similar to that of Twilight so you might want to find another way to describe. Also, you wrote the entire thing in voice over (or that’s how I felt about it), which I think takes away from the audience’s connection with the characters and comes off as a bit boring because there really isn’t any real dialogue.
The whole concept of “Either you join in the hunt to survive, or you become the prey”, is something I really enjoyed. It really is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I really enjoyed that aspect of your script.
As for the story making sense, I’d have to say it didn’t. To me it was confusing, because the motivation for Nick turning Maria into a vampire is never explained and that’s what the story revolves around, her being turned into a vampire. But without you telling us why, it leaves me wondering “Why did what I just watch happen?”
I would have to agree with Turbo on some parts, meaning that I agree that some of your characters are flat and that they need to be filled out a bit, especially Maria and Nick. With that said, I think that you story did make sense and that the other characters were not major enough to need anymore work. **I would be interested in editing your film as well, let me know if you are interested** I think that the overall story makes sense except I felt like the ending was a bit confusing and that it needed a bit of work. I felt that it needed to be a bit longer so that it explained a bit more.
FMJ Feedback: I liked your journal layout, and I especially like the casting choices, it is interesting that while reading your script I automatically pictured some of your characters as the actors that you chose. I think that it is good that you are attempting to tackle an issue that you feel strongly about and I like that you are doing it in a creative way instead of making it simple and straight forward.
Bro your main character is a hypocrite she eats an illegal immigrant. Why doesn’t she eat someone who hates illegal immigrants? The film needs some work. I don’t think it has a plot that really has a main goal. It’s more of a character study at this point. My favorite show right now is probably True Blood, so I love vampire shit. To be honest I even like the Twilight movies. I think you got to do your research on how to make fangs and vampire effects look good or less the action scenes could come off corny. I saw the vampire thing coming though. Some how you got to make it more of a surprise. I’ll have more comments for you late I got to go.
Nice first draft, it has potential. I actually read over your script last night and wasn’t sure how I wanted to comment. So, I read it over and I think I have an idea of what you need to fix. I agree with most of the commentary, yes, the characters are flat. Sorry to keep repeating it, however, I think giving your main character more of a back story and conflict will help you in creating a better version of your script. Sorry, but I don’t care about your characters… it isn’t that I don’t care about the plot, I do. The plot is well constructed, I like the book end structure, clever BUT, you don’t exactly get these feelings of making a stance on immigration… like you stated in your journal. Maybe what is essentially tripping up your creative energy, which I know you have, is simply making this a message type of story. Like why do Vampires need to make a stance on immigration? … Basically, being too concerned about the message of the film is messing up character development and overall plot. Okay, I do think you can make a story about immigration, but right now you are simply forcing it. I honestly, don’t see why your main character cares that much about killing just immigrants? I mean she is upset that they wanted her to be a vampire because she is prejudice and I get that the vampire prey is the people coming across the border. BUT shouldn’t she care about killing people in general? Isn’t a life of cannibalism torture enough! Lol, but seriously. I mean so she stops them from killing people coming across the border… I mean they have to feed, so now they are just forced to feed on other people… it won’t exactly end. This is why true blood kinda rocks, it takes this animalistic nature and sophisticates it by offering true blood to vampires. Basically, your script just leaves me with the feeling that they will go after small children now that the borders are closed… Okay, I am sorry if this seemed harsh. Jesus, I know you’re a visual master and if you get back on your laptop and work out all these kinks you will have an amazing capstone.
I thought your script was interesting. I've always liked vampire stories and yours is a interesting new take on the genre.
I only have read the entire thing once so far and I think i misunderstood a few parts. If I go back and read it again I'm sure it'll make more sense.
I wasn't sure why when she first sees rudy and the gang she says, "I've been working with you for two years" At that point nothing too strange had happened so it seemed like she was getting upset a bit early.
I think If I read it again it would make more sense but I'm interested to see how you approach this film .
I like your "If you can't eat 'em, join em." line, that was pure gold.
I think you've put a unique spin on a classic tale. I thought it was smart of you to put your own spin on the boundaries and expectations of the vampire's existence. I understand most of the exposition and the the V.O. serves as a device for explaining the details and emotions to the audience, but as the story progresses I understand less and less WHY things are happening.
Great casting choices in the FMJ. It helps to see which actors you foresaw as each character.
I did not fully understand the ending, and what the vamps intend to do now that their options are limited. Other than that, I like the characters and action. Good Job!
Jesus, Interesting story. I was pretty confused throughout the desert scene. I didn't know what kind of deal they were making. I also agree that the characters need some work. More back story or something more interesting about them other than vampires. I look forward to seeing the progress in this script. Nice job.
From your past work I know you enjoy sending a strong message to your audience and I think you have a specific style for sure. However, I think you need to work on getting the message across as clear as possible (without beating us over the head with it). This is hard, Hayley knows, but it can only help your film be stronger.
I need to get to know the characters more. However you decide to develop them through the script is up to you, but YOU need to know everything about your characters in order for us to do the same. I just didn't get a good sense of the characters thus far.
I like the ending right now, although you don't according to your FMJ. I kind enjoy how it's open ended with a question. I don't necessarily think that all short films need a distinct 3 Act structure, it's very hard to do that in a short film.
I think vampires have been done, and I'm a Lugosi purist, black&white kinda gal, but it serves a higher purpose in your story and I think it's pretty rad.
WOW. I just pressed the back button on my computer with a paragraph into notes smh, but I'm going to try to go off memory...anyways...
I really like the flow of your script. It still needs work but there is obvious potential. I think you need to give a better back story on your main characters, which will possibly not make them being/becoming vampires so obvious. I'm not sure if it was obvious or not since I've talked to you about the script already but I still like the surprise of it. I really liked the direction you took this vampire film in and the new rules and world you created, but with that being said, I don't think you should make the topics of immigration so obvious. Also, reading your FMJ I really agree with you choosing Gael Garcia Bernal as Rudy. I could also see him being casted as Nick to be honest!
Well, I hope you get all of these little kinks ironed out in order to make the film you want! Keep me updated sir :)
Really solid story. I thought you had a really unique story. I don't really understand what the organization's front is and how she was able to be a part of the company for so long without finding out their secret. I also didn't really get why everyone started running. I thought having her on the balcony at the end was a powerful ending as well.
That "if you can't eat em, join em" thing was awesome. I really think you did a good job at creating a unique spin on an overdone genre.
Jesus. I think your story is very interesting, but I feel it does need a little work. I really like how you took a political view and put a twist on it with vampires. I think that that was very inventive and creative.
At the beginning I really didn't get what was going on. I had to read it over again. I really did not get what was going on till the end. Once the feeding part was put in it made more sense. Also, I didn't really get the subtext with the illegal immigrant political view until I read your FMJ. I got a small hint at it in the script, but I didn't think that what it was about. Maybe on film it would make more sense.
I think you have a great first draft. Just need to work a little on some things.
I like your FMJ because it did clear up some of the story from me. It made more sense of the story for me, also, I like the characters part I liked the choices you made.
The characters were a bit confusing. I understood that Maria had a crush on Nick and that Nick had a crush on Maria (or at least liked her enough to turn her into a vampire) but other than that the depth for them was very minimal.
ReplyDeleteHonestly I think you need to add a little more depth to the characters, I didn’t feel a connection to them and without that connection I found myself wondering, why should I care? You’re entire description about Maria going through the process of being turned into a vampire is very similar to that of Twilight so you might want to find another way to describe. Also, you wrote the entire thing in voice over (or that’s how I felt about it), which I think takes away from the audience’s connection with the characters and comes off as a bit boring because there really isn’t any real dialogue.
The whole concept of “Either you join in the hunt to survive, or you become the prey”, is something I really enjoyed. It really is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I really enjoyed that aspect of your script.
As for the story making sense, I’d have to say it didn’t. To me it was confusing, because the motivation for Nick turning Maria into a vampire is never explained and that’s what the story revolves around, her being turned into a vampire. But without you telling us why, it leaves me wondering “Why did what I just watch happen?”
I would have to agree with Turbo on some parts, meaning that I agree that some of your characters are flat and that they need to be filled out a bit, especially Maria and Nick. With that said, I think that you story did make sense and that the other characters were not major enough to need anymore work. **I would be interested in editing your film as well, let me know if you are interested** I think that the overall story makes sense except I felt like the ending was a bit confusing and that it needed a bit of work. I felt that it needed to be a bit longer so that it explained a bit more.
ReplyDeleteFMJ Feedback: I liked your journal layout, and I especially like the casting choices, it is interesting that while reading your script I automatically pictured some of your characters as the actors that you chose. I think that it is good that you are attempting to tackle an issue that you feel strongly about and I like that you are doing it in a creative way instead of making it simple and straight forward.
Bro your main character is a hypocrite she eats an illegal immigrant. Why doesn’t she eat someone who hates illegal immigrants? The film needs some work. I don’t think it has a plot that really has a main goal. It’s more of a character study at this point. My favorite show right now is probably True Blood, so I love vampire shit. To be honest I even like the Twilight movies. I think you got to do your research on how to make fangs and vampire effects look good or less the action scenes could come off corny. I saw the vampire thing coming though. Some how you got to make it more of a surprise. I’ll have more comments for you late I got to go.
ReplyDeleteHey Jesus,
ReplyDeleteNice first draft, it has potential. I actually read over your script last night and wasn’t sure how I wanted to comment. So, I read it over and I think I have an idea of what you need to fix. I agree with most of the commentary, yes, the characters are flat. Sorry to keep repeating it, however, I think giving your main character more of a back story and conflict will help you in creating a better version of your script. Sorry, but I don’t care about your characters… it isn’t that I don’t care about the plot, I do. The plot is well constructed, I like the book end structure, clever BUT, you don’t exactly get these feelings of making a stance on immigration… like you stated in your journal. Maybe what is essentially tripping up your creative energy, which I know you have, is simply making this a message type of story. Like why do Vampires need to make a stance on immigration? … Basically, being too concerned about the message of the film is messing up character development and overall plot. Okay, I do think you can make a story about immigration, but right now you are simply forcing it. I honestly, don’t see why your main character cares that much about killing just immigrants? I mean she is upset that they wanted her to be a vampire because she is prejudice and I get that the vampire prey is the people coming across the border. BUT shouldn’t she care about killing people in general? Isn’t a life of cannibalism torture enough! Lol, but seriously. I mean so she stops them from killing people coming across the border… I mean they have to feed, so now they are just forced to feed on other people… it won’t exactly end. This is why true blood kinda rocks, it takes this animalistic nature and sophisticates it by offering true blood to vampires. Basically, your script just leaves me with the feeling that they will go after small children now that the borders are closed…
Okay, I am sorry if this seemed harsh. Jesus, I know you’re a visual master and if you get back on your laptop and work out all these kinks you will have an amazing capstone.
"I mean she is upset that they wanted her to be a vampire because she is prejudice"
ReplyDeleteSorry I meant becuase they needed a latino so people wouldn't get worried, and that is predujudice
Hey Jesus,
ReplyDeleteI thought your script was interesting. I've always liked vampire stories and yours is a interesting new take on the genre.
I only have read the entire thing once so far and I think i misunderstood a few parts. If I go back and read it again I'm sure it'll make more sense.
I wasn't sure why when she first sees rudy and the gang she says, "I've been working with you for two years" At that point nothing too strange had happened so it seemed like she was getting upset a bit early.
I think If I read it again it would make more sense but I'm interested to see how you approach this film .
Jesus,
ReplyDeleteI like your "If you can't eat 'em, join em." line, that was pure gold.
I think you've put a unique spin on a classic tale. I thought it was smart of you to put your own spin on the boundaries and expectations of the vampire's existence. I understand most of the exposition and the the V.O. serves as a device for explaining the details and emotions to the audience, but as the story progresses I understand less and less WHY things are happening.
Great casting choices in the FMJ. It helps to see which actors you foresaw as each character.
I did not fully understand the ending, and what the vamps intend to do now that their options are limited. Other than that, I like the characters and action. Good Job!
Jesus,
ReplyDeleteInteresting story. I was pretty confused throughout the desert scene. I didn't know what kind of deal they were making. I also agree that the characters need some work. More back story or something more interesting about them other than vampires. I look forward to seeing the progress in this script. Nice job.
Hi Jesus,
ReplyDeleteFrom your past work I know you enjoy sending a strong message to your audience and I think you have a specific style for sure. However, I think you need to work on getting the message across as clear as possible (without beating us over the head with it). This is hard, Hayley knows, but it can only help your film be stronger.
I need to get to know the characters more. However you decide to develop them through the script is up to you, but YOU need to know everything about your characters in order for us to do the same. I just didn't get a good sense of the characters thus far.
I like the ending right now, although you don't according to your FMJ. I kind enjoy how it's open ended with a question. I don't necessarily think that all short films need a distinct 3 Act structure, it's very hard to do that in a short film.
I think vampires have been done, and I'm a Lugosi purist, black&white kinda gal, but it serves a higher purpose in your story and I think it's pretty rad.
Do some work, Son!
-HK
WOW. I just pressed the back button on my computer with a paragraph into notes smh, but I'm going to try to go off memory...anyways...
ReplyDeleteI really like the flow of your script. It still needs work but there is obvious potential. I think you need to give a better back story on your main characters, which will possibly not make them being/becoming vampires so obvious. I'm not sure if it was obvious or not since I've talked to you about the script already but I still like the surprise of it. I really liked the direction you took this vampire film in and the new rules and world you created, but with that being said, I don't think you should make the topics of immigration so obvious. Also, reading your FMJ I really agree with you choosing Gael Garcia Bernal as Rudy. I could also see him being casted as Nick to be honest!
Well, I hope you get all of these little kinks ironed out in order to make the film you want! Keep me updated sir :)
Really solid story. I thought you had a really unique story. I don't really understand what the organization's front is and how she was able to be a part of the company for so long without finding out their secret. I also didn't really get why everyone started running. I thought having her on the balcony at the end was a powerful ending as well.
ReplyDeleteThat "if you can't eat em, join em" thing was awesome. I really think you did a good job at creating a unique spin on an overdone genre.
Jesus.
ReplyDeleteI think your story is very interesting, but I feel it does need a little work. I really like how you took a political view and put a twist on it with vampires. I think that that was very inventive and creative.
At the beginning I really didn't get what was going on. I had to read it over again. I really did not get what was going on till the end. Once the feeding part was put in it made more sense. Also, I didn't really get the subtext with the illegal immigrant political view until I read your FMJ. I got a small hint at it in the script, but I didn't think that what it was about. Maybe on film it would make more sense.
I think you have a great first draft. Just need to work a little on some things.
I like your FMJ because it did clear up some of the story from me. It made more sense of the story for me, also, I like the characters part I liked the choices you made.