It's great to finally read your adaptation. I enjoyed the prolonged eye contact and tension that so many of your characters will have to endure.
Where are you planning on shooting this film?
Some of the characters I understood through reading and re-reading the script, and others I felt I understood more through your FMJ. I'm not sure if that's the best thing for the audience's sake, who won't be able to read your journal before watching.
I know the events in this story have already transpired and it would be historically callous to misrepresent the past, but the only thing I felt lacking in this script was a real character arc, or plot arc. I also realize that this will probably be a moot point if the film is shot with the tension that I know it deserves.
I really liked the constant news updates that kept the script progressing steadily; and the day by day segments that divide up the action and story. Overall I am anxious to see what this looks like after it's finished.
Your FMJ is organized and easy to read. I found that I referred to it more often than usual in order to visualize the characters and setting within your script.
Damir- I’d like to take the time to commend you for tackling a personal piece of history. It is not easy to take something as personal as this and make it into a film, and I commend you for your attempt to do so. Taking your mother’s story is quite a wonderful idea and I hope this project can be done properly.
Notes: I like the idea. It’s different from any other capstone I’ve read or seen. The subject matter and setting is quite intriguing to me. However, the script itself is quite bland to be honest. I understand this was based on true events and that you want to stay true to the real life history, but more conflict needs to arise. You need to raise the stakes. Conflict makes drama and from that drama comes emotion. Maybe go back and move scenes around. Make it non-linear. A piece like this could easily work that way and give you more pizzazz.
I’m not a huge fan of voiceover in general however, if the voiceover is the women recalling the story many years later (which I figure was the intention) and her voice has clearly changed with age then I think it could work nicely.
So far so good. I’d just see where you can punch it up and take it to the next level.
I enjoyed this quite a bit, something fresh that I haven’t seen before. The problem I have is that there needs to be more substance to the script. Being a true story I can understand that the events actually happened. However, this is a film and not a documentary so I need to see something more out of the events in order to spice it up. Perhaps add in some fictitious elements like a character that embodies the entire experience a la Eric Bana’s character in Black Hawk Down. I don’t know, just some food for thought.
All of the elements of news involved kept keep my interest for the story to move forward. It’s that extra little spice that I feel will help with the story being told. Also, it kind mixes between the film/documentary genres which make the film feel more realistic.
Overall I enjoyed what I read and can’t wait to see what you have up your sleeve.
Lovely job with the screenplay, honestly I don't know what I could say to help with making it better, it is pretty much ready to shoot in my opinion. The only thing I worry about is how you will pull these locations off realistically. Also, everyone's comment on the voice over, I personally believe this may slow your story down when in the editing room. Pacing will be a major issue later on for keeping this story from dragging.
Overall, this is a great script. You have plenty of potential to rock out an amazing film. It would be beneficial to hear your ideas in class on how you plan to shoot this exactly.
FMJ, nice layout and I enjoyed your casting selection.
Damir, I love the story. I think telling the truth is a key component in being a director. Letting the world know the truth and what really happened is a very brave thing to do, especially since it really happened to you. I really enjoyed the story, However I do agree with some of the other comments on how it needs something more. I think it needs a little more conflict in the traveling to the boarder maybe or some more conflict to arise somewhere. Even though it may stray away from the truth, it will make it have a little more substance and make it more involved. In your FMJ you said you removed some stuff, maybe go back and pull some stuff from the longer script.
I think that this is going to be a really interesting film and I cannot wait to see this completed. These kinds of story's are my favorite. Keep up the good work!
Your FMJ is well done too, I think you definitely captured the essence of your film.
Damir, Props on doing something different. I feel that this film could work if it has a documentary type feel to it. I agree with most of the comments above in that more conflict needs to arise. Just because most of the story is true doesn't mean you cant create conflict. I think that the overall structure of the script is well done. It was easy for me read along and know what was happening, it just lacked a lot of substance. Anyway I wish you luck and am wondering on how and where you are going to shoot these scenes.
Damir what’s up brother? So I just read your story and I’m going to be honest I’m not feeling it to much. I didn’t feel any fear/suspension. I think your story has the potential to have a lot of good conflict but at least to me, it’s not in your script. I understand this is your story but I feel like you need to add some elements for it to be exciting to the audience. I didn’t really understand why the woman couldn’t leave the country before meeting this guy. I also was confused on how the husband showed up at the end. Look man if I was in your shoes and had to leave war torn Bosnia and cross a river and run through cornfields I would be scared pooping my pants. And I didn’t get that in your movie. Maybe a problem is that this story is from your point of view but its trying to be shown from your mothers point of view. What if you made it from the child’s point of view? A scared innocent kid not understanding why the fuck they have to leave their home and movie. Also the narration says a lot but doesn’t show it. Like I didn’t really see any description of bombs going off people dying. Like that shit needs to be in their. Like I herd the family was in a war zone but I didn’t see it. I think it would be tite if you did away with the voice-overs and had everyone talk in the langue that is native to Bosnia. The entire time the story from the perspective of the child. And their needs to be more conflict. What if it started with the boy overhearing her mom say to the dude that he can take them away tomorrow. And the hole time they are running away avoiding solders as they fire at them. The little kid kills a solder. Like I know its your story but you got to spice it up brother. It would be tite if the title card was like “this is based on real life events” because if you spice it up and tell people that it’s real people will be like dam that kids went through some shit. Like its right now that there is this woman trying to get her kids out of a country and the only bad thing that happens to them is the get wet and dirty in a corn field. I want tension man! Tension!
Great story Damir. I agree with everyone that it has a documentary style to it and you'll have to work more to get into an actual film.
One part that made it more like a documentary was the voice over. It seemed a bit extensive. And like Liz stated, that could really ruin the pace of your story. This is about a war and the intensity needs to be heightened; voice over slows it down.
Overall, this is a very ambitious short film, and I'm curious to see how you go about this. But if you believe in it, so do I! ALSO, I really loved the simple design of your FMJ! It kind of has a diary type of style to it and makes it very personal, which is the feeling you're going for.
Like I said, this is a VERY ambitious film and I hope you pull it off!
Good choice in writing about a story that is personal to you and about things that you care about. I think that that is a great start to putting a great deal of emotion into your work. However, be careful of making assumptions about your audience. Although I understand you do not want to completely spoon feed your audience, I think it is important for you to consider that not many people that may be watching your movie know the story of Bosnia, or what it is like to live through a war. Again, I am not saying you should give us a history lesson, but to consider your audience in telling your story.
When it comes to your writing, I felt as if I was reading from a diary. I was very interested in how your story would develop and even more so because it is based on a true story. With that, I am glad that you did not sacrifice your families history and dramatize it to an extent of inaccuracy. Although some may say it lacks punch, I think that the lack of over dramatic parts may make it better. However, the fact that your goal is to demonstrate how war is so stupid makes me suggest to add other stories, maybe another parallel that was not so successful. By doing this, the emphasis can be on why war is bad, and not necessarily about why we should root for this woman. What I mean is that bigger than a simple journey of migration of this woman, you should try to really hit on why she is there and what could have been done to avoid this.
Lastly, I had a little bit of problem with the husband. I did not understand what really happen to him until the end and it was something that bothered me throughout. Wondering if he was dead or had ran out or was fighting in the war was something that left me uneasy until the last scene.
I didn’t know this was your mother’s story until I read your FJ. I hope that you add somewhere in the opening credits that it is based on a true story. It’s so important to share stories like this one. I don’t know much about the Bosnian war and this story helped me understand the situation a little bit more. So many people disregard history and that’s why the human race keeps repeating the same mistakes. Since so many people don’t read anymore and we are such a media-driven society, it makes for a great film to inform people, all the while keeping a personal and humanistic feeling. I felt for the characters.
I agree that this has a docudrama feel and that capitalizing on a certain visual look will drive that feeling home. Also, the use of a news anchor is a great way of giving some exposition without it feeling awkward and out of place.
I had to read it very quickly in able to get this post in on time, so I’ll re-read it with the time it deserves and post a little more feedback later.
I really enjoyed the script and I disagree with the idea some people have that there's no suspense. I just think that your voice over is killing the suspense that's there. I think you could do this entire script with no voice over and it will be much more powerful. We seem to pass over some of the most intense moments with either a voice over or montage and if you turn those moments into scenes you can create more distinct characters and create more tension.
Damir,
ReplyDeleteIt's great to finally read your adaptation. I enjoyed the prolonged eye contact and tension that so many of your characters will have to endure.
Where are you planning on shooting this film?
Some of the characters I understood through reading and re-reading the script, and others I felt I understood more through your FMJ. I'm not sure if that's the best thing for the audience's sake, who won't be able to read your journal before watching.
I know the events in this story have already transpired and it would be historically callous to misrepresent the past, but the only thing I felt lacking in this script was a real character arc, or plot arc. I also realize that this will probably be a moot point if the film is shot with the tension that I know it deserves.
I really liked the constant news updates that kept the script progressing steadily; and the day by day segments that divide up the action and story. Overall I am anxious to see what this looks like after it's finished.
Your FMJ is organized and easy to read. I found that I referred to it more often than usual in order to visualize the characters and setting within your script.
Damir- I’d like to take the time to commend you for tackling a personal piece of history. It is not easy to take something as personal as this and make it into a film, and I commend you for your attempt to do so. Taking your mother’s story is quite a wonderful idea and I hope this project can be done properly.
ReplyDeleteNotes: I like the idea. It’s different from any other capstone I’ve read or seen. The subject matter and setting is quite intriguing to me. However, the script itself is quite bland to be honest. I understand this was based on true events and that you want to stay true to the real life history, but more conflict needs to arise. You need to raise the stakes. Conflict makes drama and from that drama comes emotion. Maybe go back and move scenes around. Make it non-linear. A piece like this could easily work that way and give you more pizzazz.
I’m not a huge fan of voiceover in general however, if the voiceover is the women recalling the story many years later (which I figure was the intention) and her voice has clearly changed with age then I think it could work nicely.
So far so good. I’d just see where you can punch it up and take it to the next level.
I enjoyed this quite a bit, something fresh that I haven’t seen before. The problem I have is that there needs to be more substance to the script. Being a true story I can understand that the events actually happened. However, this is a film and not a documentary so I need to see something more out of the events in order to spice it up. Perhaps add in some fictitious elements like a character that embodies the entire experience a la Eric Bana’s character in Black Hawk Down. I don’t know, just some food for thought.
ReplyDeleteAll of the elements of news involved kept keep my interest for the story to move forward. It’s that extra little spice that I feel will help with the story being told. Also, it kind mixes between the film/documentary genres which make the film feel more realistic.
Overall I enjoyed what I read and can’t wait to see what you have up your sleeve.
Hey Damir,
ReplyDeleteLovely job with the screenplay, honestly I don't know what I could say to help with making it better, it is pretty much ready to shoot in my opinion. The only thing I worry about is how you will pull these locations off realistically. Also, everyone's comment on the voice over, I personally believe this may slow your story down when in the editing room. Pacing will be a major issue later on for keeping this story from dragging.
Overall, this is a great script. You have plenty of potential to rock out an amazing film. It would be beneficial to hear your ideas in class on how you plan to shoot this exactly.
FMJ, nice layout and I enjoyed your casting selection.
Damir,
ReplyDeleteI love the story. I think telling the truth is a key component in being a director. Letting the world know the truth and what really happened is a very brave thing to do, especially since it really happened to you. I really enjoyed the story, However I do agree with some of the other comments on how it needs something more. I think it needs a little more conflict in the traveling to the boarder maybe or some more conflict to arise somewhere. Even though it may stray away from the truth, it will make it have a little more substance and make it more involved. In your FMJ you said you removed some stuff, maybe go back and pull some stuff from the longer script.
I think that this is going to be a really interesting film and I cannot wait to see this completed. These kinds of story's are my favorite. Keep up the good work!
Your FMJ is well done too, I think you definitely captured the essence of your film.
Damir,
ReplyDeleteProps on doing something different. I feel that this film could work if it has a documentary type feel to it. I agree with most of the comments above in that more conflict needs to arise. Just because most of the story is true doesn't mean you cant create conflict. I think that the overall structure of the script is well done. It was easy for me read along and know what was happening, it just lacked a lot of substance. Anyway I wish you luck and am wondering on how and where you are going to shoot these scenes.
Damir what’s up brother? So I just read your story and I’m going to be honest I’m not feeling it to much. I didn’t feel any fear/suspension. I think your story has the potential to have a lot of good conflict but at least to me, it’s not in your script.
ReplyDeleteI understand this is your story but I feel like you need to add some elements for it to be exciting to the audience. I didn’t really understand why the woman couldn’t leave the country before meeting this guy. I also was confused on how the husband showed up at the end.
Look man if I was in your shoes and had to leave war torn Bosnia and cross a river and run through cornfields I would be scared pooping my pants. And I didn’t get that in your movie. Maybe a problem is that this story is from your point of view but its trying to be shown from your mothers point of view. What if you made it from the child’s point of view? A scared innocent kid not understanding why the fuck they have to leave their home and movie. Also the narration says a lot but doesn’t show it. Like I didn’t really see any description of bombs going off people dying. Like that shit needs to be in their. Like I herd the family was in a war zone but I didn’t see it.
I think it would be tite if you did away with the voice-overs and had everyone talk in the langue that is native to Bosnia. The entire time the story from the perspective of the child. And their needs to be more conflict. What if it started with the boy overhearing her mom say to the dude that he can take them away tomorrow. And the hole time they are running away avoiding solders as they fire at them. The little kid kills a solder. Like I know its your story but you got to spice it up brother. It would be tite if the title card was like “this is based on real life events” because if you spice it up and tell people that it’s real people will be like dam that kids went through some shit.
Like its right now that there is this woman trying to get her kids out of a country and the only bad thing that happens to them is the get wet and dirty in a corn field. I want tension man! Tension!
Great story Damir. I agree with everyone that it has a documentary style to it and you'll have to work more to get into an actual film.
ReplyDeleteOne part that made it more like a documentary was the voice over. It seemed a bit extensive. And like Liz stated, that could really ruin the pace of your story. This is about a war and the intensity needs to be heightened; voice over slows it down.
Overall, this is a very ambitious short film, and I'm curious to see how you go about this. But if you believe in it, so do I! ALSO, I really loved the simple design of your FMJ! It kind of has a diary type of style to it and makes it very personal, which is the feeling you're going for.
Like I said, this is a VERY ambitious film and I hope you pull it off!
Good choice in writing about a story that is personal to you and about things that you care about. I think that that is a great start to putting a great deal of emotion into your work. However, be careful of making assumptions about your audience. Although I understand you do not want to completely spoon feed your audience, I think it is important for you to consider that not many people that may be watching your movie know the story of Bosnia, or what it is like to live through a war. Again, I am not saying you should give us a history lesson, but to consider your audience in telling your story.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to your writing, I felt as if I was reading from a diary. I was very interested in how your story would develop and even more so because it is based on a true story. With that, I am glad that you did not sacrifice your families history and dramatize it to an extent of inaccuracy. Although some may say it lacks punch, I think that the lack of over dramatic parts may make it better. However, the fact that your goal is to demonstrate how war is so stupid makes me suggest to add other stories, maybe another parallel that was not so successful. By doing this, the emphasis can be on why war is bad, and not necessarily about why we should root for this woman. What I mean is that bigger than a simple journey of migration of this woman, you should try to really hit on why she is there and what could have been done to avoid this.
Lastly, I had a little bit of problem with the husband. I did not understand what really happen to him until the end and it was something that bothered me throughout. Wondering if he was dead or had ran out or was fighting in the war was something that left me uneasy until the last scene.
Damir,
ReplyDeleteI didn’t know this was your mother’s story until I read your FJ. I hope that you add somewhere in the opening credits that it is based on a true story. It’s so important to share stories like this one. I don’t know much about the Bosnian war and this story helped me understand the situation a little bit more. So many people disregard history and that’s why the human race keeps repeating the same mistakes. Since so many people don’t read anymore and we are such a media-driven society, it makes for a great film to inform people, all the while keeping a personal and humanistic feeling. I felt for the characters.
I agree that this has a docudrama feel and that capitalizing on a certain visual look will drive that feeling home. Also, the use of a news anchor is a great way of giving some exposition without it feeling awkward and out of place.
I had to read it very quickly in able to get this post in on time, so I’ll re-read it with the time it deserves and post a little more feedback later.
I really enjoyed the script and I disagree with the idea some people have that there's no suspense. I just think that your voice over is killing the suspense that's there. I think you could do this entire script with no voice over and it will be much more powerful. We seem to pass over some of the most intense moments with either a voice over or montage and if you turn those moments into scenes you can create more distinct characters and create more tension.
ReplyDelete