Very Interesting story, I must say that it grabbed my attention the whole time. I was a bit confused at first because I didnt understand the whole elite non elite thing but as I read on it started to make sense. I found it interesting that you chose to set it in the 70's, I myself pictured it differently. I know you were saying that modern day does not work, and I agree with that but I had the vision of it being in the future. Kind of like when the current rules that we follow break down and anarchy starts and thats when people would kind of devolve into groups such as elite and non elite (just my train of thought).
Overall I thought that it was a well written script except that you had a couple of typos and words put out of place other than that it was good.
Im curious about how you plant to replicate the 70's setting in your film, I feel that this would be a very important thing to spend a ton of time on because if the time/era is not believable it can ruin a film.
My final thought was about a few of the minor characters in the film, some of them I didn't feel had a purpose, like they didnt do much, so I wonder if they are necessary, I am very interested in seeing how this film turns out, and would be interested in editing it (if you are interested that is) if I choose to go the editing route.
FMJ Feedback:
I think that visual your journal looks good, and I agreed with what you wrote bout the characters, I felt that the script showed that. I especially liked the casting ideas you had for Delia, from reading the script that was the exact look that came into my head.
Cool ending, I didn't see that coming. I enjoyed reading your script because of how natural the dialogue seemed (sans a few grammatical faux pas). You have an original idea and a excellent vision for your film. I read the journal before I read the script so it made sense that the world that Delia exists in is a stylized universe. I'm curious now to see what the certain things will look like in this universe.
The time period that you chose for your story was also interesting stylistically because it will create a nostalgic re-representation of a universe that never actually existed. I think 70's is a good choice, 80's wouldn't have worked as well.
While I agree with Damir concerning the importance of certain characters in your script, I also think that a number of them can be kept, if their purpose is extended to enhance the main character(s).
Your FMJ looks great, it really helped me understand what you were going for, and it's very artistic. Good Job
First off, awesome opener. That beginning sequence is very strong and sets a great tone for the film. I get a strong sense of story from the first couple pages. Unfortunately right now the rest of the screenplay doesn’t seem as strongly written. I think you’re not 100 percent confident with the entirety of the film thus far, however it is a first draft and I will think will get there.
A couple notes. You need to play up the “dystopia” vice more so. I don’t really get a sense of “the world” your characters are in is anything out of the ordinary. Instead of putting disclaimer at the beginning of the script, describe within the actions and dialogue HOW the world is “AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE DYSTOPIA BEGINS TO TAKE HOLD.”
Your idea of “Elites” is never really explained; therefore it falls short and doesn’t make much sense. I get what you’re trying to accomplish, however you need to BRIDGE THAT GAP somehow. Maybe during INT. HIDEOUT- NIGHT when Delia, Claude and Wilbur arrive there for the first time the folks helping them out can bad mouth the Elites or something and Claude can go off about them as well. That scene felt kind of pointless, so maybe you can bulk it up with something like that.
Mika and the plotline with the dream weren’t working for me totally. It could get there. I wouldn’t scrap it completely but it just feels like it doesn’t fit. I didn’t really see a reason for Mika; I dunno maybe I just don’t like redheads…
Lastly. I need to feel the love between Claude and Delia. I didn’t in this draft. From your journal you say, “love sometimes isn’t reciprocated.” I get that, but I don’t get exactly how it played into the script. Does Claude not really love her or vice versa? With that, Delia runs away from home to be with Claude. Okay, so if she’s willing to so this, I have to see WHY. Meaning, I have to believe she loves this guy and he’s worth running away from an “elite” life for. Also, I don’t get the title. I think there’s a definite style to this film and I like it. There could be some magic here and this could be a fucking cool film. I think you just need to figure out what you’re trying to say exactly and run with it, Mignarri.
I had a problem with the beginning being very similar to Natural Born Killers.
What’s an “Elite Scar”? I still don’t really understand it but I may have skipped something unintentionally.
I didn’t really like Mika within the whole dream. It just didn’t seem like it fit within the context of the overall story. I see a way to improve it but I can’t put it into words at the moment.
The fact that the story takes place in the past is an interesting move. I just don’t know how you might pull that off in the realms of where we live. I mean I like it, I just think it may be a burden on you.
Nonetheless I see this as having great potential. The ending is very solid to me and it doesn’t feel downed out or anything of the sort. It simply works.
I think you’ve done a good job creating a complex new world with complex rules. I really like all of the characters and the dynamic that you have created between them. The thing that I think needs the most work is the Dialog. I don’t think your dialog is too bad or anything but some of it just feels a bit stiff and unnatural. I think if you improve parts of the dialog the script will read a lot better.
As far as establishing that they are in some sort of alternate world, I think you can do that by finding unique locations to shoot at and by tweaking little things here and there to make them not seem completely normal. They did this in the movie “Children of Men”, though that was supposed to be the future.
You and I had talked before so I had some idea of the plot before I read it but your FMJ was really good and helped refresh my memory. I love your celebrity casting choices for Delia, Lizzy Caplan is my favorite.
Liz, Good story. From the first page I was hooked! I like how your story built from the beginning. ALthough, I think that you do need to explain the ELITES thing some how. i had no clue that is what it was about untill I read your FMJ. If you could somehow connect the ELITE description from you FMJ it would make more sense because I didn't understand it until I read the FMJ. I loved it though, it was very interesting and it was suspenseful. I was interested the whole time, so plot wise I think it is awesome.
Another thing that your FMJ helped me out on was the style that you were trying to go for. I like it because It takes me out of that normal setting. I think that it is interesting that you are taking tat approach. i know what Steam-punk is and I have always thought it would be interesting. Although, I do agree that it should take place in the future because the 70's is cool, but Steam-punk doesn't seem to really be a 70's type of trend even though it is an alternate universe, I think the future makes more sense.
Your film gives more kind of a Tim Burton image. I think that your project is going to turn out great. Can't wait to see it.
Good job on the FMJ, it put the puzzle pieces together for me. I think it will really help you out on your script.
Liz, I think your story is very daring and interesting at the same time. I like the opening scene but wished it was a little more clear. Maybe thats something you can work on because I think that people will really gravitate towards that scene and it will set up nicely for the rest of the film. I also think that you should do some re-writing as far as the 'creating your own world'. Do some things or create some things in the world that are unrealistic or things that make people say 'thats weird' or 'interesting'. I look forward to seeing what the film will look like.
Ms. Lemmon I really like your script girl. It could be very good but it’s going to cost you some money and a lot of time. I don’t have that many comments. I like the world you created. You don’t really tell us a lot about it but I like that. It makes the audience question what the fuck is going on. I don’t like two scenes. The one where they enter go to Jr. house and the one with Mika. I don’t think Jr. and Maureen should be heroin addicts and here is why. When I think of people trying to have revolutions I think of the United States and right now Egypt. The people leading the American Revolution were smart-ass motherfuckers and the people who started the Egyptian revolution are young educated college students. I feel like Claude and his brother should be smart people. (I’m sorry if I just stereotype heroin addicts as being dumb.) I’m a little confused with Mika. So she’s reading something that will tell her that Delia is fucked in the next couple days? I think there should be a more creative way of Mika coming to that conclusion. I like the writing down name shit. But lets say after that she begins to asks Delia for details about her dream and all of a sudden Mika (who will be very good looking) begins making out with Delia and then like images pop up of the future for like one or two frames. And then she stops kissing her and then she tells her how fucked she is. Dude lets be real here hot lesbian kissing is big right now. (Black Swan & No Strings Attached). Just an idea. Oh yea ending. I was really pissed off when Delia died which I think is a good thing. I think however the ending may be more emotional if we see Claude struggle with the fact that he has to kill Delia. In your fmj you say a number of times that Claude isn’t sexually attracted to Delia because he’s egotistical. From reading your script I interrupted the reason he didn’t bang her out is because he has a problem with her being elite. I mean that’s what I got from your script which was different than your fmj. To be honest I like the fact he doesn’t bang out Delia because she’s an Elite. It shows us how much he hates the elite and that he is grounded my morals. Its’ also weird that he kisses Delia but wont bang her. Maybe she should kiss him and he should back off or something. I hope I haven’t tired to make your story mine. My goal for this is to help you with your story and not try to change your story with how I think it should be. (Except for the lesbian scene that should def be in your movie. I’m not trying to make anyone laugh I’m being dead serious.) I also love my cousin vinny.
I had two main issues however: 1) The Elites thing is a bit unclear. I think you need to somehow establish the difference between both. And their hatred towards each other. I didn't know they were "Elites" until I read your FMJ.
2) The idea of a dystopia. At first I wasn't sure if it was a new world you were creating or placed in the past. Overall, it felt like a Western. But upon saying that, I guess setting and characters in "The Book of Eli" includes a mixture of both (future/western) but I'm not sure if that's what you're going for or not.
The other issues are very minor such as grammar (which I'm not necessarily judging you on). Another thing is the scene where they're about to have sex but Claude refuses. Maybe it's just me but I didn't understand why he rejected her. Was it because of her scar? or...? Also, I didn't get his conversation with her when he said "I think all I need is what we have already to feel complete." That's kind of a weird thing for a guy to say...to be honest lol.
Anywho, I really love where you're taking this story and the potential it has. I can't wait to see the progress!!
The introduction was a great way to grasp your audience, although I had to read it a few times in order to fully understand what was going on. Since your writing is so detailed, I was not fully aware if the guy was killed because of his scar or simply because he posed another form of threat. However, the story continues and is very interesting. As many said before, I was not really convinced that your characters were actually in another type of world, and your statement in the beginning seemed kind of irrelevant. That said, I think you should take time to explain the rules of your world a bit more. In addition, I am still not getting the motives that drive your characters. I sense the revolutionary take, and also see the possibility for a class battle, but I think you should accent this more. As of now, I am not following your vision, but this may be something that could be changed with visuals. I think overall you have a good story and I think your ending is very forward and to the point, something I think strengthens your work.
First off, very interesting story and characters. You were able to keep so much mystery without completely losing my interest or me. I was a little confused in the second scene of who was doing what, but by the next few scenes I'd figured it out. Your FJ helped that too. But still, I think it would help if you write it a little more clearly. The problem was that you introduced the main characters by their descriptions first and then introduced their names.
I agree with what has been written here about the visual style you are going for. The Steampunk look is a smart idea and I would LOVE to work in your art department. And the way you wrote the geisha scene was great. It gave me this amazing picture in my mind's eye.
I somewhat agree with Damir about the minor characters, but on the other hand they do serve to exemplify that Claude is a shady. It’s like the saying birds of a feather flock together. You might get away with not developing them too much more if you can beef them up through your production design.
I’ll say one more thing then wrap it up. The ending. At first I was like how could she leave us hanging, but after about five minutes I read it again, and I like that Delia’s choices get her in the end even though she doesn’t deserve it for the most part. However, I think you might need to amp the build up a bit. But, overall it’s a good first draft.
FJ: I lied; I have one more comment. I like your first page. It fits great with the violence of a foreign time and place. In addition, your descriptions and actor choices enforced the characters’ personalities.
I love the idea of making things steampunk. That's what I pictured before I even read your FMJ. I never really got a a grasp of how they are oppressed by the elites. That made me not care about their cause because it seemed like they were just saying "screw the man."
A reader knows that the bounty hunter is a bounty hunter but as it's written, I don't think the audience would because he doesn't do anything to display that he's a bounty hunter. Just keep that in mind as you go into pre-production.
I think you should describe what an elite scar looks like.
Overall, awesome world and definitely an interesting twist. I think this will end up being an extremely original short.
Very Interesting story, I must say that it grabbed my attention the whole time. I was a bit confused at first because I didnt understand the whole elite non elite thing but as I read on it started to make sense.
ReplyDeleteI found it interesting that you chose to set it in the 70's, I myself pictured it differently. I know you were saying that modern day does not work, and I agree with that but I had the vision of it being in the future. Kind of like when the current rules that we follow break down and anarchy starts and thats when people would kind of devolve into groups such as elite and non elite (just my train of thought).
Overall I thought that it was a well written script except that you had a couple of typos and words put out of place other than that it was good.
Im curious about how you plant to replicate the 70's setting in your film, I feel that this would be a very important thing to spend a ton of time on because if the time/era is not believable it can ruin a film.
My final thought was about a few of the minor characters in the film, some of them I didn't feel had a purpose, like they didnt do much, so I wonder if they are necessary, I am very interested in seeing how this film turns out, and would be interested in editing it (if you are interested that is) if I choose to go the editing route.
FMJ Feedback:
I think that visual your journal looks good, and I agreed with what you wrote bout the characters, I felt that the script showed that. I especially liked the casting ideas you had for Delia, from reading the script that was the exact look that came into my head.
Liz
ReplyDeleteCool ending, I didn't see that coming. I enjoyed reading your script because of how natural the dialogue seemed (sans a few grammatical faux pas). You have an original idea and a excellent vision for your film. I read the journal before I read the script so it made sense that the world that Delia exists in is a stylized universe. I'm curious now to see what the certain things will look like in this universe.
The time period that you chose for your story was also interesting stylistically because it will create a nostalgic re-representation of a universe that never actually existed. I think 70's is a good choice, 80's wouldn't have worked as well.
While I agree with Damir concerning the importance of certain characters in your script, I also think that a number of them can be kept, if their purpose is extended to enhance the main character(s).
Your FMJ looks great, it really helped me understand what you were going for, and it's very artistic. Good Job
First off, awesome opener. That beginning sequence is very strong and sets a great tone for the film. I get a strong sense of story from the first couple pages. Unfortunately right now the rest of the screenplay doesn’t seem as strongly written. I think you’re not 100 percent confident with the entirety of the film thus far, however it is a first draft and I will think will get there.
ReplyDeleteA couple notes. You need to play up the “dystopia” vice more so. I don’t really get a sense of “the world” your characters are in is anything out of the ordinary. Instead of putting disclaimer at the beginning of the script, describe within the actions and dialogue HOW the world is “AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE DYSTOPIA BEGINS TO TAKE HOLD.”
Your idea of “Elites” is never really explained; therefore it falls short and doesn’t make much sense. I get what you’re trying to accomplish, however you need to BRIDGE THAT GAP somehow. Maybe during INT. HIDEOUT- NIGHT when Delia, Claude and Wilbur arrive there for the first time the folks helping them out can bad mouth the Elites or something and Claude can go off about them as well. That scene felt kind of pointless, so maybe you can bulk it up with something like that.
Mika and the plotline with the dream weren’t working for me totally. It could get there. I wouldn’t scrap it completely but it just feels like it doesn’t fit. I didn’t really see a reason for Mika; I dunno maybe I just don’t like redheads…
Lastly. I need to feel the love between Claude and Delia. I didn’t in this draft. From your journal you say, “love sometimes isn’t reciprocated.” I get that, but I don’t get exactly how it played into the script. Does Claude not really love her or vice versa? With that, Delia runs away from home to be with Claude. Okay, so if she’s willing to so this, I have to see WHY. Meaning, I have to believe she loves this guy and he’s worth running away from an “elite” life for. Also, I don’t get the title.
I think there’s a definite style to this film and I like it. There could be some magic here and this could be a fucking cool film. I think you just need to figure out what you’re trying to say exactly and run with it, Mignarri.
I had a problem with the beginning being very similar to Natural Born Killers.
ReplyDeleteWhat’s an “Elite Scar”? I still don’t really understand it but I may have skipped something unintentionally.
I didn’t really like Mika within the whole dream. It just didn’t seem like it fit within the context of the overall story. I see a way to improve it but I can’t put it into words at the moment.
The fact that the story takes place in the past is an interesting move. I just don’t know how you might pull that off in the realms of where we live. I mean I like it, I just think it may be a burden on you.
Nonetheless I see this as having great potential. The ending is very solid to me and it doesn’t feel downed out or anything of the sort. It simply works.
Hey Liz,
ReplyDeleteI think you’ve done a good job creating a complex new world with complex rules. I really like all of the characters and the dynamic that you have created between them. The thing that I think needs the most work is the Dialog. I don’t think your dialog is too bad or anything but some of it just feels a bit stiff and unnatural. I think if you improve parts of the dialog the script will read a lot better.
As far as establishing that they are in some sort of alternate world, I think you can do that by finding unique locations to shoot at and by tweaking little things here and there to make them not seem completely normal. They did this in the movie “Children of Men”, though that was supposed to be the future.
You and I had talked before so I had some idea of the plot before I read it but your FMJ was really good and helped refresh my memory. I love your celebrity casting choices for Delia, Lizzy Caplan is my favorite.
Liz,
ReplyDeleteGood story. From the first page I was hooked! I like how your story built from the beginning. ALthough, I think that you do need to explain the ELITES thing some how. i had no clue that is what it was about untill I read your FMJ. If you could somehow connect the ELITE description from you FMJ it would make more sense because I didn't understand it until I read the FMJ. I loved it though, it was very interesting and it was suspenseful. I was interested the whole time, so plot wise I think it is awesome.
Another thing that your FMJ helped me out on was the style that you were trying to go for. I like it because It takes me out of that normal setting. I think that it is interesting that you are taking tat approach. i know what Steam-punk is and I have always thought it would be interesting. Although, I do agree that it should take place in the future because the 70's is cool, but Steam-punk doesn't seem to really be a 70's type of trend even though it is an alternate universe, I think the future makes more sense.
Your film gives more kind of a Tim Burton image. I think that your project is going to turn out great. Can't wait to see it.
Good job on the FMJ, it put the puzzle pieces together for me. I think it will really help you out on your script.
Liz,
ReplyDeleteI think your story is very daring and interesting at the same time. I like the opening scene but wished it was a little more clear. Maybe thats something you can work on because I think that people will really gravitate towards that scene and it will set up nicely for the rest of the film. I also think that you should do some re-writing as far as the 'creating your own world'. Do some things or create some things in the world that are unrealistic or things that make people say 'thats weird' or 'interesting'. I look forward to seeing what the film will look like.
Ms. Lemmon I really like your script girl. It could be very good but it’s going to cost you some money and a lot of time. I don’t have that many comments. I like the world you created. You don’t really tell us a lot about it but I like that. It makes the audience question what the fuck is going on.
ReplyDeleteI don’t like two scenes. The one where they enter go to Jr. house and the one with Mika. I don’t think Jr. and Maureen should be heroin addicts and here is why. When I think of people trying to have revolutions I think of the United States and right now Egypt. The people leading the American Revolution were smart-ass motherfuckers and the people who started the Egyptian revolution are young educated college students. I feel like Claude and his brother should be smart people. (I’m sorry if I just stereotype heroin addicts as being dumb.)
I’m a little confused with Mika. So she’s reading something that will tell her that Delia is fucked in the next couple days? I think there should be a more creative way of Mika coming to that conclusion. I like the writing down name shit. But lets say after that she begins to asks Delia for details about her dream and all of a sudden Mika (who will be very good looking) begins making out with Delia and then like images pop up of the future for like one or two frames. And then she stops kissing her and then she tells her how fucked she is. Dude lets be real here hot lesbian kissing is big right now. (Black Swan & No Strings Attached). Just an idea.
Oh yea ending. I was really pissed off when Delia died which I think is a good thing. I think however the ending may be more emotional if we see Claude struggle with the fact that he has to kill Delia.
In your fmj you say a number of times that Claude isn’t sexually attracted to Delia because he’s egotistical. From reading your script I interrupted the reason he didn’t bang her out is because he has a problem with her being elite. I mean that’s what I got from your script which was different than your fmj. To be honest I like the fact he doesn’t bang out Delia because she’s an Elite. It shows us how much he hates the elite and that he is grounded my morals.
Its’ also weird that he kisses Delia but wont bang her. Maybe she should kiss him and he should back off or something. I
hope I haven’t tired to make your story mine. My goal for this is to help you with your story and not try to change your story with how I think it should be. (Except for the lesbian scene that should def be in your movie. I’m not trying to make anyone laugh I’m being dead serious.) I also love my cousin vinny.
LIZ! Overall great story!
ReplyDeleteI had two main issues however:
1) The Elites thing is a bit unclear. I think you need to somehow establish the difference between both. And their hatred towards each other. I didn't know they were "Elites" until I read your FMJ.
2) The idea of a dystopia. At first I wasn't sure if it was a new world you were creating or placed in the past. Overall, it felt like a Western. But upon saying that, I guess setting and characters in "The Book of Eli" includes a mixture of both (future/western) but I'm not sure if that's what you're going for or not.
The other issues are very minor such as grammar (which I'm not necessarily judging you on). Another thing is the scene where they're about to have sex but Claude refuses. Maybe it's just me but I didn't understand why he rejected her. Was it because of her scar? or...? Also, I didn't get his conversation with her when he said "I think all I need is what we have already to feel complete." That's kind of a weird thing for a guy to say...to be honest lol.
Anywho, I really love where you're taking this story and the potential it has. I can't wait to see the progress!!
The introduction was a great way to grasp your audience, although I had to read it a few times in order to fully understand what was going on. Since your writing is so detailed, I was not fully aware if the guy was killed because of his scar or simply because he posed another form of threat. However, the story continues and is very interesting. As many said before, I was not really convinced that your characters were actually in another type of world, and your statement in the beginning seemed kind of irrelevant. That said, I think you should take time to explain the rules of your world a bit more. In addition, I am still not getting the motives that drive your characters. I sense the revolutionary take, and also see the possibility for a class battle, but I think you should accent this more. As of now, I am not following your vision, but this may be something that could be changed with visuals. I think overall you have a good story and I think your ending is very forward and to the point, something I think strengthens your work.
ReplyDeleteLiz,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, very interesting story and characters. You were able to keep so much mystery without completely losing my interest or me. I was a little confused in the second scene of who was doing what, but by the next few scenes I'd figured it out. Your FJ helped that too. But still, I think it would help if you write it a little more clearly. The problem was that you introduced the main characters by their descriptions first and then introduced their names.
I agree with what has been written here about the visual style you are going for. The Steampunk look is a smart idea and I would LOVE to work in your art department. And the way you wrote the geisha scene was great. It gave me this amazing picture in my mind's eye.
I somewhat agree with Damir about the minor characters, but on the other hand they do serve to exemplify that Claude is a shady. It’s like the saying birds of a feather flock together. You might get away with not developing them too much more if you can beef them up through your production design.
I’ll say one more thing then wrap it up. The ending. At first I was like how could she leave us hanging, but after about five minutes I read it again, and I like that Delia’s choices get her in the end even though she doesn’t deserve it for the most part. However, I think you might need to amp the build up a bit. But, overall it’s a good first draft.
FJ: I lied; I have one more comment. I like your first page. It fits great with the violence of a foreign time and place. In addition, your descriptions and actor choices enforced the characters’ personalities.
I love the idea of making things steampunk. That's what I pictured before I even read your FMJ. I never really got a a grasp of how they are oppressed by the elites. That made me not care about their cause because it seemed like they were just saying "screw the man."
ReplyDeleteA reader knows that the bounty hunter is a bounty hunter but as it's written, I don't think the audience would because he doesn't do anything to display that he's a bounty hunter. Just keep that in mind as you go into pre-production.
I think you should describe what an elite scar looks like.
Overall, awesome world and definitely an interesting twist. I think this will end up being an extremely original short.