I really enjoyed this draft. The whole idea of struggling with who you are is one of my favorite types of conflicts, especially because the audience can easily connect to it. We’ve all felt at some point in our life that what we have isn’t as good as what someone else has or that what and who we are isn’t really us, and your script captures that. I especially enjoyed some of the explanations you used in the script especially when father Mark was explaining to Howard the importance of tradition. Despite having a serious tone your script had a few humorous parts like dragging the Christmas tree inside, ripping off Santa’s beard, etc. The end was especially moving and I can guarantee you will get an emotional response from your audience at the end of your movie.
I like this draft way better. This is the ending that it desperately needed and it makes the whole thing more solid. Page count is a bit long though, I don't know what you might consider cutting but just remember that 30+ minute short films are extremely hard to program into film festivals. Go through it and think about anything that is not essential and cut it.
I agree with Ryan I feel like this Draft is finally a complete one and that the ending finally live up to the rest of the script, and like Trubo said it will definitely win over your audiences emotions but like Ryan said it is too long, i mean you might be able to trim some down during editing but still 30+min is a lot and editing down can only do so much, realistically i think this film needs to be 20 minutes max, i don;t know if you can pull that off or not but that would really help now that the story kinks are worked out.
Good job man! I think you are really trying hard to make your movie as effective as possible. It seems that every draft is getting you closer to your vision regardless of the lenght. Honestly, I like the extent that you show your character struggling with this issue, even if it ends up being 25 minutes long. When it comes to your FMJ, I think your reference to Home Alone gives me a good sense of what you are going to, however, it also makes me a bit concerned. Obviously we do not live in New York and I do not believe that you plan on shooting there. Because of this, I think that the scenery as far as the houses, snow and christmas elements, might have to be a little different. I know that you using this as a reference point, but I just wanted to point it out. On the other side, the fact that you plan to use ugly sweaters and very Christmas like elements, makes me feel as if you are really looking to make your scenes look legit and I am excited to see that, especially since I imagine that this will be shot way before Christmas season.
Sorry this is late. But better late than never. I liked this script. My main small issue is how advanced the dialect is for ten year old boys... But I guess it does lend for more comedic elements. For some reason your fmj is not opening for me! errr I'll look it over in class
Yo Barry, if you're still checking these posts, here's my comments.
Overall I really like your message and delivery, Liz seemed to hit the only real issue I have on the head: Some of the vocabulary that Howard uses seems a little above his comprehension. I do enjoy the sarcastic wit that it is delivered with, which is a great addition to already complex character.
The positive things about this script have already been mentioned several times, so I apologize if this posting appears negative, it's simply the best way for me to add constructive criticism without being repetitive.
The length seems extensive for a short, but I think that your vision shouldn't be compromised to fit a time constraint. Depending on how quickly the cuts flow through the dialogue, the film can be made much shorter than the script would suggest.
I think you've got a really great project to work on next semester. Good work all around.
I really enjoyed this draft. The whole idea of struggling with who you are is one of my favorite types of conflicts, especially because the audience can easily connect to it. We’ve all felt at some point in our life that what we have isn’t as good as what someone else has or that what and who we are isn’t really us, and your script captures that. I especially enjoyed some of the explanations you used in the script especially when father Mark was explaining to Howard the importance of tradition. Despite having a serious tone your script had a few humorous parts like dragging the Christmas tree inside, ripping off Santa’s beard, etc. The end was especially moving and I can guarantee you will get an emotional response from your audience at the end of your movie.
ReplyDeleteSo I just posted my FMJ. I know I haven't been giving feedback recently for anyone. That wont happen anymore.
ReplyDeleteI like this draft way better. This is the ending that it desperately needed and it makes the whole thing more solid. Page count is a bit long though, I don't know what you might consider cutting but just remember that 30+ minute short films are extremely hard to program into film festivals. Go through it and think about anything that is not essential and cut it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ryan I feel like this Draft is finally a complete one and that the ending finally live up to the rest of the script, and like Trubo said it will definitely win over your audiences emotions but like Ryan said it is too long, i mean you might be able to trim some down during editing but still 30+min is a lot and editing down can only do so much, realistically i think this film needs to be 20 minutes max, i don;t know if you can pull that off or not but that would really help now that the story kinks are worked out.
ReplyDeleteBarry,
ReplyDeleteGood job man! I think you are really trying hard to make your movie as effective as possible. It seems that every draft is getting you closer to your vision regardless of the lenght. Honestly, I like the extent that you show your character struggling with this issue, even if it ends up being 25 minutes long. When it comes to your FMJ, I think your reference to Home Alone gives me a good sense of what you are going to, however, it also makes me a bit concerned. Obviously we do not live in New York and I do not believe that you plan on shooting there. Because of this, I think that the scenery as far as the houses, snow and christmas elements, might have to be a little different. I know that you using this as a reference point, but I just wanted to point it out. On the other side, the fact that you plan to use ugly sweaters and very Christmas like elements, makes me feel as if you are really looking to make your scenes look legit and I am excited to see that, especially since I imagine that this will be shot way before Christmas season.
Hey Barry,
ReplyDeleteSorry this is late. But better late than never. I liked this script. My main small issue is how advanced the dialect is for ten year old boys... But I guess it does lend for more comedic elements. For some reason your fmj is not opening for me! errr I'll look it over in class
btw this is liz, not mark
ReplyDeleteYo Barry, if you're still checking these posts, here's my comments.
ReplyDeleteOverall I really like your message and delivery, Liz seemed to hit the only real issue I have on the head: Some of the vocabulary that Howard uses seems a little above his comprehension. I do enjoy the sarcastic wit that it is delivered with, which is a great addition to already complex character.
The positive things about this script have already been mentioned several times, so I apologize if this posting appears negative, it's simply the best way for me to add constructive criticism without being repetitive.
The length seems extensive for a short, but I think that your vision shouldn't be compromised to fit a time constraint. Depending on how quickly the cuts flow through the dialogue, the film can be made much shorter than the script would suggest.
I think you've got a really great project to work on next semester. Good work all around.
-Neal