Very interesting. I am curious to see what this film will end up looking like. I am curious as to what the monster will look like and if it will make the film a comedy or if it will be a thriller.
I think that your character development is good, there isnt too much about them yet I can already get a feel of what they are like and what kind of people they are. It is easy to tell how each person will act in such a situation because you make their personality type so clear. (It has a very typical teenage movie stereotype of personalities) and I think that works because it makes it easy for your audience to grasp the characters and saves you time with a short film.
I worry about the scenes with the monster and wonder what those will look like, I think that these scenes will have a huge importance and can make or break your films as well as they will decide what genre and mood the film portrays. I am curious as to what your plans are for those scenes and for the monster.
FMJ Feedback: I was disappointed with your FMJ because I had certain actors in my mind for all of the roles and was excited to see if I had them envisioned correctly (I wanted to know if I got the feel and idea behind your script correctly I feel that usually when I do that I have similar ideas for cast as the writer) but in this case you hadn't really decided on who your dream cast was so I couldn't really do that. I am curious to see how young of a cast you go with.
I'm liking the first draft. It is a simple story, but I am certain you can pull it off well. The opening is pretty funny. Your actor's performances are defiantly going to be driving the story. Also, sound design is going to extremely important for your film. The dialogue lends to a more comedic script, but I'm not sure if you want your audience to be laughing the entire time. I agree that you should never show the creature since I am not sure if a filmmaker on this level has the money to make it look LEGIT.
I'm trying to see if I have more script notes, it is so short and your dialogue is still quick enough that I honestly don't have many. I'm think you feed us enough information to keep the characters interesting.
FMJ: I wish you put something down for your casting. I know we've spoken before about some of your previous actors being in the film, so I just added in their faces lol. However, more character development would be nice.
RYAN HEY!! So I just read your script and I think what you’re going for is a short film that’s more of an incident rather than a story. I think this has potential for your audience to feel suspense, fear and horror. However, I think the way your film is structured now will not create these emotions.
I read something about the differences between the dark night and batman begins. A huge difference between to the two films is how the action is shown. In the second film the fights scene are from batman’s point of view and shows him kicking ass and fighting crime. In the first one batman is more of a mystery. Nolan shows the action scenes from the criminal’s point of view. One scene that does this very well is the scene where batman finds out that something illegal is going on in the docs. Here is the link to watch it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QydeJbXOqyI. This scene does a great job of creating suspense for the audience. I think you should employ the cinematic tactics to the scene where the characters get eaten by the monster.
As you said in your journal your film is about a guy confessing his love for a girl. The problem you have is that he never confesses his love for her and it’s not really a focal point of your film. It’s seems like a minor plot element. What if your film is constantly intercutting between another scenes of Jake trying to confess his love for Amy in high school but never really gets to. It may allow the audience to have a better understanding Jake an Amy.
Jake doesn’t really do anything in your film either. I understand you want him to be the sympathetic character in your film that your audience can relate to but he comes off as a pussy bitch. He is kind of dragged along by the other characters and doesn’t ever act for himself. Maybe he can save Amy’s life at the end by killing the monster. He tells her that he loves her and she says he loves him too. Then out of nowhere the monster kill her. Just an idea. Okay
Also I feel like the cursing makes the film studentish. Maybe leave the curse words for the dramatic parts of the film.
-I’m sorry to be such a Grammar Nazi but it’s (you’re) not (your).
-I’m not sure why they’d have a shotgun with them. If it was a hunting trip wouldn’t they have a hunting rifle?
-Page 8 (bottom) How do we know for sure Elliot is dead?
I enjoyed the overall story, the characters, and the setting. However, the ending left a giant cliffhanger that I can’t get over. I’d almost like to see Jake take on the “Big Foot” character or merely not end it where you did. Basically, I want more from the story. Nonetheless, I would like to see this on screen.
Ryan, everything you've made in FMP so far has been awesome so I don't doubt that this will end up living up to the others. I think you just need more of a story. Like Barry said, it is kind of more of an incident.
I think this would work better if you shortened what you've written so far and made it the first act of your short. Then they could go on an adventure through the woods and he could win the girl over and finally tell her how he feels.
As it's written now I don't think it's long enough to be scary or has enough jokes to be a comedy. Like I said before, you have an eye for what it takes to make a good short and I don't doubt you'll figure out what you need to do to make this story work.
I'm diggin the concept! I've had plenty of those conversations with friends about how girls are more attracted to "assholes" and I see it being proven so often smh. I also like the idea that we don't see the monster in the film. Not only because it would be hard to pull off a not-so-cheesy-looking monster but because it adds suspense and the mysteriousness of "Big Foot!"
However, the script seems very short to me for some reason. Well now reading Barry's and David's, I have to agree that it's mainly because it's an incident rather than a script. but simplicity IS key! so I'm interested to know how you'll pull this off! Also, why doesn't Amy go in the tent with him?! I don't know why, but it pisses me off that white girls are SOOO stupid in these horror movies! I'm always thinking to myself, "Dumb broad (censored)! Why would you go into the room you hear scary noises coming from?!" and then I SMH haha (okay I went off on a tandem but it's late night so excuse me). So yeah, make this into a legit story but keep the simplicity and I'm sure you can pull it off!!
I agree with the above, you should pursue this script. I like the drama and the suspense that you've created with this screenplay. The characters interact in a presumable manner, and then stuff starts going badly. I would like to see a little more terror, and a little more horror, but overall I think you have a solid idea.
It would be cool to see more character development in the earlier portion of the script, that way, when people start missing, or dying, the audience feels more in touch with the loss of that person.
I can't think of any other constructive criticisms, so I'll end by saying I've admired your work thus far, and know that your capstone will be worthwhile and entertaining.
If i have learned anything from your previous movies is that you make simple things look great. I am very interested in seeing what you do with a film like this, and highly encourage you to go about making this movie. One of the things I felt in your script was the pacing was very fast. I think that if you add parts in order to intensify the moments of the film, your audience will feel the difference. It would be similar to adding an accent to your dramatic parts. In addition, I really like the nature of your characters and the situation they are in. I feel that the realism in your script makes it easy to relate to, and it is something that made it work for me.
One suggestion I have is to give a little more back story. By doing this, I believe you make the tension among character a little greater and will pay off when all of a sudden they start dying.
You write characters and dialogue extremely well and because of that I can picture the film and see great potential. However, the story itself I believe doesn’t have enough “x factor.” It’s simple, and simple is fine, but it needs a push somewhere to not make it a generic horror flick. I know you have the creative ability to put a Zweig spin on the genre; you’ve done this in the past beautifully.
To be honest, Jake seems the least interesting character. He needs to be developed more and given more of a voice. Maybe he needs more to be at stake…?
Also, a more specific script note: when Elliot convinces Jake to tell Amy how he feels, it seems Elliot convinces him way too easily. Jake’s been in love with her forever, and he is swayed so easily to spill his guts in 5 seconds? I didn’t buy that part.
Also, I think it’s fine this is more situation than story. I think of the short Spider, which all of you should see! In Spider we come into this couple’s car after a fight and have no idea why the woman is pissed…but we want to super bad. I digress, all I mean is I think it’s fine you have a situational short, sometimes they work better than trying to cram a ton into 25 pages. I just want you cram maybe an ounce into your situation to bulk up its “wow” factor.
Ryan, Reminded me of those Jack Links Beef Jerky Commercials almost. That being said I didn't know if it was supposed to be comedy or horror. The characters are great. Setting is great. Switching it to night would make it a little more scary but then you'd have to take out the sun bathing scene which i think is hilarious. Would also be hard to shoot at night as well. I think this film will look very cool. Keep at it. The script will only get better.
Ryan Great story. I really enjoyed this script because I like it because it is simple, has a great location and it is easy to follow. I think this would be very enjoyable to watch. I think you can make some great suspense out of this. I also like your dialogue. I think that it is very cleaver and it has a very natural and realistic flow to it and it has some comedy to it. I do feel however that you script is missing something. The ending feels very abrupt because we don’t know any more info and it feels like the story is just getting started at this point. I don’t know if it is just me, but I think that the end needs a little more maybe.
One thing that maybe you could add is some more back-story to these characters. I feel like the love that Jake has for Amy could be amplified by maybe a flashback or something, the characters need more background so you can establish them. It is hard to tell what kind of a person they are and their goals. It will also help diversify them. Maybe include stuff like; did they all go to school together? Are they in college? Do they have jobs, if so what do they do? Maybe they can catch up on the years so we can see their connections with each other.
Overall I really like your script. Can wait to see this one on film, I love these types of stories.
FMJ It needs the character part to really help people understand what kind of people you need. I like your style and colors, it fits the story.
Very interesting. I am curious to see what this film will end up looking like. I am curious as to what the monster will look like and if it will make the film a comedy or if it will be a thriller.
ReplyDeleteI think that your character development is good, there isnt too much about them yet I can already get a feel of what they are like and what kind of people they are. It is easy to tell how each person will act in such a situation because you make their personality type so clear. (It has a very typical teenage movie stereotype of personalities) and I think that works because it makes it easy for your audience to grasp the characters and saves you time with a short film.
I worry about the scenes with the monster and wonder what those will look like, I think that these scenes will have a huge importance and can make or break your films as well as they will decide what genre and mood the film portrays. I am curious as to what your plans are for those scenes and for the monster.
FMJ Feedback:
I was disappointed with your FMJ because I had certain actors in my mind for all of the roles and was excited to see if I had them envisioned correctly (I wanted to know if I got the feel and idea behind your script correctly I feel that usually when I do that I have similar ideas for cast as the writer) but in this case you hadn't really decided on who your dream cast was so I couldn't really do that. I am curious to see how young of a cast you go with.
Hey Zweig,
ReplyDeleteI'm liking the first draft. It is a simple story, but I am certain you can pull it off well. The opening is pretty funny. Your actor's performances are defiantly going to be driving the story. Also, sound design is going to extremely important for your film. The dialogue lends to a more comedic script, but I'm not sure if you want your audience to be laughing the entire time. I agree that you should never show the creature since I am not sure if a filmmaker on this level has the money to make it look LEGIT.
I'm trying to see if I have more script notes, it is so short and your dialogue is still quick enough that I honestly don't have many. I'm think you feed us enough information to keep the characters interesting.
FMJ: I wish you put something down for your casting. I know we've spoken before about some of your previous actors being in the film, so I just added in their faces lol. However, more character development would be nice.
RYAN HEY!! So I just read your script and I think what you’re going for is a short film that’s more of an incident rather than a story. I think this has potential for your audience to feel suspense, fear and horror. However, I think the way your film is structured now will not create these emotions.
ReplyDeleteI read something about the differences between the dark night and batman begins. A huge difference between to the two films is how the action is shown. In the second film the fights scene are from batman’s point of view and shows him kicking ass and fighting crime. In the first one batman is more of a mystery. Nolan shows the action scenes from the criminal’s point of view. One scene that does this very well is the scene where batman finds out that something illegal is going on in the docs. Here is the link to watch it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QydeJbXOqyI. This scene does a great job of creating suspense for the audience. I think you should employ the cinematic tactics to the scene where the characters get eaten by the monster.
As you said in your journal your film is about a guy confessing his love for a girl. The problem you have is that he never confesses his love for her and it’s not really a focal point of your film. It’s seems like a minor plot element.
What if your film is constantly intercutting between another scenes of Jake trying to confess his love for Amy in high school but never really gets to. It may allow the audience to have a better understanding Jake an Amy.
Jake doesn’t really do anything in your film either. I understand you want him to be the sympathetic character in your film that your audience can relate to but he comes off as a pussy bitch. He is kind of dragged along by the other characters and doesn’t ever act for himself. Maybe he can save Amy’s life at the end by killing the monster. He tells her that he loves her and she says he loves him too. Then out of nowhere the monster kill her. Just an idea. Okay
Also I feel like the cursing makes the film studentish. Maybe leave the curse words for the dramatic parts of the film.
Also I think this would be better at night instead of the day.
ReplyDelete-I’m sorry to be such a Grammar Nazi but it’s (you’re) not (your).
ReplyDelete-I’m not sure why they’d have a shotgun with them. If it was a hunting trip wouldn’t they have a hunting rifle?
-Page 8 (bottom) How do we know for sure Elliot is dead?
I enjoyed the overall story, the characters, and the setting. However, the ending left a giant cliffhanger that I can’t get over. I’d almost like to see Jake take on the “Big Foot” character or merely not end it where you did. Basically, I want more from the story. Nonetheless, I would like to see this on screen.
*TURBO
Ryan, everything you've made in FMP so far has been awesome so I don't doubt that this will end up living up to the others. I think you just need more of a story. Like Barry said, it is kind of more of an incident.
ReplyDeleteI think this would work better if you shortened what you've written so far and made it the first act of your short. Then they could go on an adventure through the woods and he could win the girl over and finally tell her how he feels.
As it's written now I don't think it's long enough to be scary or has enough jokes to be a comedy. Like I said before, you have an eye for what it takes to make a good short and I don't doubt you'll figure out what you need to do to make this story work.
Zweig!!
ReplyDeleteI'm diggin the concept! I've had plenty of those conversations with friends about how girls are more attracted to "assholes" and I see it being proven so often smh. I also like the idea that we don't see the monster in the film. Not only because it would be hard to pull off a not-so-cheesy-looking monster but because it adds suspense and the mysteriousness of "Big Foot!"
However, the script seems very short to me for some reason. Well now reading Barry's and David's, I have to agree that it's mainly because it's an incident rather than a script. but simplicity IS key! so I'm interested to know how you'll pull this off! Also, why doesn't Amy go in the tent with him?! I don't know why, but it pisses me off that white girls are SOOO stupid in these horror movies! I'm always thinking to myself, "Dumb broad (censored)! Why would you go into the room you hear scary noises coming from?!" and then I SMH haha (okay I went off on a tandem but it's late night so excuse me). So yeah, make this into a legit story but keep the simplicity and I'm sure you can pull it off!!
*rather than a story
ReplyDeleteJust so everyone knows, I hate my script and unless I can come up with something better soon I'll be switching to DP.
ReplyDeleteOn second thought I'm going to work on improving this script. And to everyone saying that it's an "Incident", that's precisely right.
ReplyDeletethere's no question that YOU should do a film Zweig!
ReplyDeleteDon't give up Ryan. Make your script bro.
ReplyDeleteRyan,
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above, you should pursue this script. I like the drama and the suspense that you've created with this screenplay. The characters interact in a presumable manner, and then stuff starts going badly. I would like to see a little more terror, and a little more horror, but overall I think you have a solid idea.
It would be cool to see more character development in the earlier portion of the script, that way, when people start missing, or dying, the audience feels more in touch with the loss of that person.
I can't think of any other constructive criticisms, so I'll end by saying I've admired your work thus far, and know that your capstone will be worthwhile and entertaining.
Neal
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteIf i have learned anything from your previous movies is that you make simple things look great. I am very interested in seeing what you do with a film like this, and highly encourage you to go about making this movie. One of the things I felt in your script was the pacing was very fast. I think that if you add parts in order to intensify the moments of the film, your audience will feel the difference. It would be similar to adding an accent to your dramatic parts. In addition, I really like the nature of your characters and the situation they are in. I feel that the realism in your script makes it easy to relate to, and it is something that made it work for me.
One suggestion I have is to give a little more back story. By doing this, I believe you make the tension among character a little greater and will pay off when all of a sudden they start dying.
Jesus Quinonez
Mr. Zweig,
ReplyDeleteYou write characters and dialogue extremely well and because of that I can picture the film and see great potential. However, the story itself I believe doesn’t have enough “x factor.” It’s simple, and simple is fine, but it needs a push somewhere to not make it a generic horror flick. I know you have the creative ability to put a Zweig spin on the genre; you’ve done this in the past beautifully.
To be honest, Jake seems the least interesting character. He needs to be developed more and given more of a voice. Maybe he needs more to be at stake…?
Also, a more specific script note: when Elliot convinces Jake to tell Amy how he feels, it seems Elliot convinces him way too easily. Jake’s been in love with her forever, and he is swayed so easily to spill his guts in 5 seconds? I didn’t buy that part.
Also, I think it’s fine this is more situation than story. I think of the short Spider, which all of you should see! In Spider we come into this couple’s car after a fight and have no idea why the woman is pissed…but we want to super bad. I digress, all I mean is I think it’s fine you have a situational short, sometimes they work better than trying to cram a ton into 25 pages. I just want you cram maybe an ounce into your situation to bulk up its “wow” factor.
Your Biggest Fan,
Hayley
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteReminded me of those Jack Links Beef Jerky Commercials almost. That being said I didn't know if it was supposed to be comedy or horror. The characters are great. Setting is great. Switching it to night would make it a little more scary but then you'd have to take out the sun bathing scene which i think is hilarious. Would also be hard to shoot at night as well. I think this film will look very cool. Keep at it. The script will only get better.
Ryan
ReplyDeleteGreat story. I really enjoyed this script because I like it because it is simple, has a great location and it is easy to follow. I think this would be very enjoyable to watch. I think you can make some great suspense out of this. I also like your dialogue. I think that it is very cleaver and it has a very natural and realistic flow to it and it has some comedy to it. I do feel however that you script is missing something. The ending feels very abrupt because we don’t know any more info and it feels like the story is just getting started at this point. I don’t know if it is just me, but I think that the end needs a little more maybe.
One thing that maybe you could add is some more back-story to these characters. I feel like the love that Jake has for Amy could be amplified by maybe a flashback or something, the characters need more background so you can establish them. It is hard to tell what kind of a person they are and their goals. It will also help diversify them. Maybe include stuff like; did they all go to school together? Are they in college? Do they have jobs, if so what do they do? Maybe they can catch up on the years so we can see their connections with each other.
Overall I really like your script. Can wait to see this one on film, I love these types of stories.
FMJ
It needs the character part to really help people understand what kind of people you need. I like your style and colors, it fits the story.