So basically, I think you've got a great script. Definitely , a very situational script that works perfectly as a short. The only issue that I'm having with it is... the character's lack of development and originality. This is slowing down the story for me. This should read quicker like you're other scripts. But, I think it will once I start to care a little bit about Allen or Jane. However, great casting decisions. You know both actors will rock your movie. Just give them some stronger characters and I think your movie will be fantastic.
I'm gonna comepletely disagree with Liz and say that I felt like there was little to no depth to your script. The whole idea of what do the pieces in the box create and who is Richard is very intriguing and after the first box arrives and we discover the piece inside and the letter the audience is intrigued, but after that the story didn’t do much for me. The dialogue was typical of something between husband and wife and is something I sure members of the audience could relate to. I also felt that for all the hype that was given in regards towards the pieces in the boxes and what was being made that the ending was quite dissatisfying.
Love your script hate the ending. I really really like your scrpt. I think it has a really good potential but this is the time Ryan where you need to buck the fuck up and come up with a ending that serves how good your story is. Honestly this is how all your movies go. Great story then dom comes in and shoots or tries to kill someone and dom really doesn’t have anything to do with the first or second act.
Dude you have to make an ending that relates to what’s going on in the first and second act. Every scene needs to build on the scene before and yours doesn’t do it. I feel like ryan your going to say you no what fuck you barry what do you know. And the truth is I don’t know and you don’t have to listen to me because I haven’t done shit. I haven’t done shit.
But I will put money on if you show this at capstones everone is going to really like everything besides the ending. Everyone will hate the ending because it doesn’t coincide with really anything eels in the script. You can argue that it was hinted that the girl said the box may be dangerous or it was foreshowed by the dream but to be honest those don’t make a satisfying ending. Dude please sit down and brain the fuck storm a way to have a satisfying ending. Love you barry. I will help if you want.
yea sorry liz i think the first 14 pages are good a short you get to understand the characters but I honestly believe people will hate your movie unless you change the ending.
sorry for my last sentence. What I was trying to say is that your 14 pages work great as a short. You do get a good sense of your protagonist but I think your audience will hate you because the film doesn't end.
Liz, I know I absolutely need to improve the characters and dialog.
Barry, It's kinda funny because the few people I've talked to so far including Hayley say that the ending is their favorite part. I have a feeling that the way it's written in the script isn't helping you see it the way it's supposed to be seen so I'll work on writing a more detailed draft.
I know that this is not a finished draft, but it really worked for me for the most part. I think that although we don't have much of a back story to your characters, we get to know a bit about them because of certain scenes. For instance, immediately after seeing the quick scene of them eating dinner quietly, I realized the awkwardness among this couple. Another thing that got me going was the fact that she comes in asking where they keep the postage stamp. It really made me think how long they had lived together, or weather it was an issue regarding their lack of communication as a couple. For a while, I really got a really awkward vibe from their relationship similar to the one that I remember getting from the movie The Strangers. This, in turn worked for me. For me, the story became about the crash of their relationship and I really did not care about what was really in the box. It seemed like their relationship was at the breaking point, and this was more about how this weird box ended it. In literal terms, the guy that comes and kills the girl really threw me off. I was kind of disturbed by that, but it really did remind me of your other movie, as Barry pointed out. I agree that you should look over your ending, but overall I think you have good thing going.
I love it, and hate it at the same time. I love it because I feel that for it not being a finished draft that it is really good. I felt that the story was very interesting and it really grabbed my attention i just wanted to keep on reading. I am really excited to see how this film turns out.
Now at the same time I hate it because i want to know what happened, what did the device he built do, who is this man, I mean come on i would be so angry watching this, i have a billion questions and there is no ending i mean in a way that is a good thing because it shows that you got you audience really interested but as an individual viewer it would make me angry to not know what happened.
First Thoughts: I fucking love the ending. It’s like the first act of a feature. Great suspense yet it’s clever and subtle. I think this is very smart for a short film structure because it would play very well due to your choice to end it there and not try to cram a feature story into 15 pages (like me!).
As far as being “confusing” or not, I don’t believe it is structurally or story wise. The only thing is the ending being vague. I understood why Allen disappeared because you told me it was about time travel. If the man jumps in the machine and follows Allen, thus disappearing too (which you write) then I think you’ll be fine. Show us don’t tell us, especially in a sequence as cool as that ending. If you show us clearly enough (you must write it clearly first) then you’re golden.
I love the concept and think you are quite good with creating the interest in the beginning with the inciting incident. This is gonna be good.
General Script Notes- Jane asks wayyy too many questions. I don’t know her motivation by page 6 and I don’t get a great sense of her at all. From what I read I gather that she’s a typical Scottsdale yuppie who is big on appearances and material bullshit. Mainstream, maybe a sorority girl who didn’t have aspirations beyond finding her husband in college. But she seems unmotivated and doesn’t have a lot to do in the story thus far besides get killed (which is cool btw).
Allen I get a little better sense of. Depressed guy who wants more out of life than a fucking yard and a DVR in every room of the house. But why is he so willingly to believe what happening so quickly? I need to experience him accept the box phenomenon more with more denial at first of something.
“Upsessing” is not a word. Obsessing is. You sick fuck.
Your dialogue is cardboard right now. You can make these suburbanites stale people while still maintaining the Zweig dialogue I’ve come to love. This will come with more drafts and research. You can cut a couple pages of back and forth questioning down. It’s boring and doesn’t add to the characters/story.
Notes by Page Pg. 6 – Maybe box falls at Jane’s feet while she is going off about how dumb Allen is. OR maybe she’s ranting and it hits her and she gets knocked out.
Pg. 10 – Allen obviously hates yuppie, suburban life unlike Jane. Maybe when Susie welcomes them have her and Jane go off the look at the new renovations to the house, or some Scottsdale bullshit our parents are always talking about… if that’s what you’re going for.
Pg. 12 – Allen says, “If anyone asks just say I didn’t feel well.” Maybe he could say, “Tell them I had too many chicken wings.” Use the wings as a metaphor for the boring parties: Donny couldn’t get enough wings, Allen has had too many.
Last thoughts- Overall, show don't tell (but right now you're not even telling that much). Every moment is an opportunity to describe characters, tell story, create a mood, blah, blah (I feel preachy)...
You've got great book ends. Add some page turners in between.
That’s what I’ve got thus far. Let’s meet soon, Husband.
I'm kind of in the same boat as a bunch of people. I get why you like this current ending and I think it would work if you added some breadcrumbs throughout the rest of the story. Bad idea to get to a good one would be inserting moments where he almost runs into the man in black so we get at the end that this guy was trying to kill him. Or tell us why the box lands in HIS yard.
Except for the ending, I was hooked for the rest of it. The only part I can think to give advice is that I don't think we need to see the box fall from the sky the second time. I think it's more powerful if the audience sees it the same time he does... when it's already in his backyard, from the kitchen.
Ryan, I like your story and I think it is an interesting concept. I do have to agree with everyone else though. I like the story, but their is something that I think that it is missing. The ending for me really needs work though. I feel like it was rushed then I was left in the dark. I really want to know what is going on in the end. I felt it kind of got really dark with the death of Jane and then I have no clue who this guy in black is. I can guess its probably Richard, but what if its a robber or something, I do not really know what is going on, it just to vague for me.
I do think you have a god first draft though. When they go over to their friends place, the neighborhood reminds me of Desperate Housewives, or The Burbs/Leave it to Beaver perfect neighborhood. I like that and I think you could really play off that feeling. Maybe even if you made it set in the 50's or something.
First thing I noticed that I liked was the scene pacing. In most of the films that you've made this appropriate pacing keeps me interested in film, and intrigued enough to pay close attention to the action.
The suspense and curious tone that you set from the beginning carry through the entire script nicely; the only issue I have is NOT that you need to have a conclusion, but simply that you need to suggest one, a little "to be concluded / continued / stuff like that" would make me extremely interested in your next short if it was related to this one. The problem with insinuating that there will be closure without ensuring it is that a large percentage of your audience will not understand the insinuation, leaving a bad taste in their mouth due to the lack of a conclusion. The alternative, is to suggest that you will conclude or continue the dramatic exchange that you have so carefully constructed.
Hey Ryan,
ReplyDeleteSo basically, I think you've got a great script. Definitely , a very situational script that works perfectly as a short. The only issue that I'm having with it is... the character's lack of development and originality. This is slowing down the story for me. This should read quicker like you're other scripts. But, I think it will once I start to care a little bit about Allen or Jane. However, great casting decisions. You know both actors will rock your movie. Just give them some stronger characters and I think your movie will be fantastic.
Keep posted if I can get on Production Design.
I'm gonna comepletely disagree with Liz and say that I felt like there was little to no depth to your script. The whole idea of what do the pieces in the box create and who is Richard is very intriguing and after the first box arrives and we discover the piece inside and the letter the audience is intrigued, but after that the story didn’t do much for me. The dialogue was typical of something between husband and wife and is something I sure members of the audience could relate to. I also felt that for all the hype that was given in regards towards the pieces in the boxes and what was being made that the ending was quite dissatisfying.
ReplyDeleteLove your script hate the ending. I really really like your scrpt. I think it has a really good potential but this is the time Ryan where you need to buck the fuck up and come up with a ending that serves how good your story is. Honestly this is how all your movies go. Great story then dom comes in and shoots or tries to kill someone and dom really doesn’t have anything to do with the first or second act.
ReplyDeleteDude you have to make an ending that relates to what’s going on in the first and second act. Every scene needs to build on the scene before and yours doesn’t do it. I feel like ryan your going to say you no what fuck you barry what do you know. And the truth is I don’t know and you don’t have to listen to me because I haven’t done shit. I haven’t done shit.
But I will put money on if you show this at capstones everone is going to really like everything besides the ending. Everyone will hate the ending because it doesn’t coincide with really anything eels in the script. You can argue that it was hinted that the girl said the box may be dangerous or it was foreshowed by the dream but to be honest those don’t make a satisfying ending. Dude please sit down and brain the fuck storm a way to have a satisfying ending. Love you barry. I will help if you want.
yea sorry liz i think the first 14 pages are good a short you get to understand the characters but I honestly believe people will hate your movie unless you change the ending.
sorry for my last sentence. What I was trying to say is that your 14 pages work great as a short. You do get a good sense of your protagonist but I think your audience will hate you because the film doesn't end.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback guys.
ReplyDeleteLiz, I know I absolutely need to improve the characters and dialog.
Barry, It's kinda funny because the few people I've talked to so far including Hayley say that the ending is their favorite part. I have a feeling that the way it's written in the script isn't helping you see it the way it's supposed to be seen so I'll work on writing a more detailed draft.
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteI know that this is not a finished draft, but it really worked for me for the most part. I think that although we don't have much of a back story to your characters, we get to know a bit about them because of certain scenes. For instance, immediately after seeing the quick scene of them eating dinner quietly, I realized the awkwardness among this couple. Another thing that got me going was the fact that she comes in asking where they keep the postage stamp. It really made me think how long they had lived together, or weather it was an issue regarding their lack of communication as a couple. For a while, I really got a really awkward vibe from their relationship similar to the one that I remember getting from the movie The Strangers. This, in turn worked for me. For me, the story became about the crash of their relationship and I really did not care about what was really in the box. It seemed like their relationship was at the breaking point, and this was more about how this weird box ended it. In literal terms, the guy that comes and kills the girl really threw me off. I was kind of disturbed by that, but it really did remind me of your other movie, as Barry pointed out. I agree that you should look over your ending, but overall I think you have good thing going.
I love it, and hate it at the same time. I love it because I feel that for it not being a finished draft that it is really good. I felt that the story was very interesting and it really grabbed my attention i just wanted to keep on reading. I am really excited to see how this film turns out.
ReplyDeleteNow at the same time I hate it because i want to know what happened, what did the device he built do, who is this man, I mean come on i would be so angry watching this, i have a billion questions and there is no ending i mean in a way that is a good thing because it shows that you got you audience really interested but as an individual viewer it would make me angry to not know what happened.
First Thoughts:
ReplyDeleteI fucking love the ending. It’s like the first act of a feature. Great suspense yet it’s clever and subtle. I think this is very smart for a short film structure because it would play very well due to your choice to end it there and not try to cram a feature story into 15 pages (like me!).
As far as being “confusing” or not, I don’t believe it is structurally or story wise. The only thing is the ending being vague. I understood why Allen disappeared because you told me it was about time travel. If the man jumps in the machine and follows Allen, thus disappearing too (which you write) then I think you’ll be fine. Show us don’t tell us, especially in a sequence as cool as that ending. If you show us clearly enough (you must write it clearly first) then you’re golden.
I love the concept and think you are quite good with creating the interest in the beginning with the inciting incident. This is gonna be good.
General Script Notes-
Jane asks wayyy too many questions. I don’t know her motivation by page 6 and I don’t get a great sense of her at all. From what I read I gather that she’s a typical Scottsdale yuppie who is big on appearances and material bullshit. Mainstream, maybe a sorority girl who didn’t have aspirations beyond finding her husband in college. But she seems unmotivated and doesn’t have a lot to do in the story thus far besides get killed (which is cool btw).
Allen I get a little better sense of. Depressed guy who wants more out of life than a fucking yard and a DVR in every room of the house. But why is he so willingly to believe what happening so quickly? I need to experience him accept the box phenomenon more with more denial at first of something.
“Upsessing” is not a word. Obsessing is. You sick fuck.
Your dialogue is cardboard right now. You can make these suburbanites stale people while still maintaining the Zweig dialogue I’ve come to love. This will come with more drafts and research.
You can cut a couple pages of back and forth questioning down. It’s boring and doesn’t add to the characters/story.
Notes by Page
Pg. 6 – Maybe box falls at Jane’s feet while she is going off about how dumb Allen is. OR maybe she’s ranting and it hits her and she gets knocked out.
Pg. 10 – Allen obviously hates yuppie, suburban life unlike Jane. Maybe when Susie welcomes them have her and Jane go off the look at the new renovations to the house, or some Scottsdale bullshit our parents are always talking about… if that’s what you’re going for.
Pg. 12 – Allen says, “If anyone asks just say I didn’t feel well.” Maybe he could say, “Tell them I had too many chicken wings.” Use the wings as a metaphor for the boring parties: Donny couldn’t get enough wings, Allen has had too many.
Last thoughts-
Overall, show don't tell (but right now you're not even telling that much). Every moment is an opportunity to describe characters, tell story, create a mood, blah, blah (I feel preachy)...
You've got great book ends. Add some page turners in between.
That’s what I’ve got thus far. Let’s meet soon, Husband.
Love you,
Hayley
I'm kind of in the same boat as a bunch of people. I get why you like this current ending and I think it would work if you added some breadcrumbs throughout the rest of the story. Bad idea to get to a good one would be inserting moments where he almost runs into the man in black so we get at the end that this guy was trying to kill him. Or tell us why the box lands in HIS yard.
ReplyDeleteExcept for the ending, I was hooked for the rest of it. The only part I can think to give advice is that I don't think we need to see the box fall from the sky the second time. I think it's more powerful if the audience sees it the same time he does... when it's already in his backyard, from the kitchen.
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteI like your story and I think it is an interesting concept. I do have to agree with everyone else though. I like the story, but their is something that I think that it is missing. The ending for me really needs work though. I feel like it was rushed then I was left in the dark. I really want to know what is going on in the end. I felt it kind of got really dark with the death of Jane and then I have no clue who this guy in black is. I can guess its probably Richard, but what if its a robber or something, I do not really know what is going on, it just to vague for me.
I do think you have a god first draft though. When they go over to their friends place, the neighborhood reminds me of Desperate Housewives, or The Burbs/Leave it to Beaver perfect neighborhood. I like that and I think you could really play off that feeling. Maybe even if you made it set in the 50's or something.
Keep up the good work!
-Brooks
Brooks, "The Burbs" feeling is exactly what I want to go for.
ReplyDeleteAlso probably a better title is "For Richard"
ReplyDeleteRyan,
ReplyDeleteFirst thing I noticed that I liked was the scene pacing. In most of the films that you've made this appropriate pacing keeps me interested in film, and intrigued enough to pay close attention to the action.
The suspense and curious tone that you set from the beginning carry through the entire script nicely; the only issue I have is NOT that you need to have a conclusion, but simply that you need to suggest one, a little "to be concluded / continued / stuff like that" would make me extremely interested in your next short if it was related to this one. The problem with insinuating that there will be closure without ensuring it is that a large percentage of your audience will not understand the insinuation, leaving a bad taste in their mouth due to the lack of a conclusion. The alternative, is to suggest that you will conclude or continue the dramatic exchange that you have so carefully constructed.
Either way, this script is awesome.
-Neal