*JUST A FEW NOTES: I've worked long and hard retooling the script to give you this second draft. I'd say about 80% of it has been changed but the overall storyline stays very much the same. I feel that this compared to my last draft was what I was going for the first time but wasn't able to achieve.
Nice reworking of description and dialogue. I especially enjoyed the talks he has with himself towards the beginning of the script. This really develops his character nicely.
I also enjoyed the dialogue between Peter, Charlotte and Mason on the street. It felt real and appropriate.
Towards the end of your script, when Charlotte breaks free and attacks Mason, it seems like an awkward transition to me. I know that she has to find out his identity somehow, but I felt by escaping and attacking him, she strips him of his power and mystique. Just a thought.
I like the imagery of Mason being left in the dark as the film ends, but I honestly did not see that coming. Is there no hope for this guy? I feel sorry for him is all.
Really cool vision all around. Nice additions to your story.
Turbizzle, I think the first 9 pages were greatly improved from the first draft. Makes much more sense for him to pretend he's a villain and it's much more understandable. I think you need a quick sentence in the beginning that says that he's a little off because without that I don't think the reader would understand that he's mentally handicapped. Except for that the only changes I would suggest for the first 9 pages is take away Peter finding this guy funny. What if he saw him as a threat? He could be a crazy homeless guy or drug addict but Peter seems to just laugh about it with him as if he was at comic con and not in an alleyway at night.
His lines are believable for his character because he is trying to sound like the comic books but the other character should talk more like regular people in my opinion. Some of the dialogue just isn't believable. For example: "My mind is racing with so many questions right now but they are all leading me to just one... WHY?" People don't talk like that nowadays. It sounds like a line that would be in Gone With The Wind. But that's an easy fix.
I think you need to do some work on the ending. It seems very forced and it's all explained in dialogue instead of visuals which I think won't really connect emotionally to the audience. It's still coming across as fucked up that a little girl would be into torturing dolls and without a visual to show him running away we don't really understand why he would do it. I would suggest a flashback to put us in the moment so we see the vision you have of them torturing dolls in a way that doesn't look like a little girl gets off to torture.
I also don't really get why she would ditch him. He's an extremely dangerous and unstable person who probably should not be just out there in society with no one to tell him not to do these things. I think a more well suited dilemma for her would be if she had called the cops while he was in the kitchen, the cops show up after she's learned it's her brother, then she has to decide whether she should tell the cops to take him or not... then the dilemma becomes "should I take him into my life as my brother or should I let him go to a facility where they can treat him?"... Then you can have your bittersweet ending by having her let the cops take him away.
So, nice improvements. I agree with David, "I think the first 9 pages were greatly improved from the first draft". However, the end is still weak. Dialogue is beyond forced and I don't think someone who thought they were about to be killed would honestly stick around a listen to this nut job. Personally, I don't give a fuck of who this guy was - as a female I would run the fuck away. However, this leads to more a creative approach to how she figures this all out. maybe he doesn't just fucking tell her in the end! Maybe she figures it out, Maybe only Mason would say something like that, Maybe she finally questions if it is him? I dunno, just an idea. Okay, let's talk about your beautiful fmj. The cinematography is what is going to either make or break this film. "It’s going to be a very dark film (both in tone and lighting). I’m going for a very Fight Club/ SAW feel. The colors will be somewhat muted and focus will be on greens and blues with a high amount of contrast." - I highly agree, this is how I envisioned the film as well. However... I don't want these classic films to limit your vision. Your character is somewhat of a twist on the genre... you might want to start flipping the norms of cinema and tweaking them to your own cinematic advantage. Also... handheld will be good at the time you have listed and I like how you have thought of specific moment where you prefer handhelld. I would highly recommend getting the 5D over the 7d for your film, simply because of how dark you want this film to be. The 5d can shoot scenes better than the 7d. I like the Idea of having it look a little grainy but you shouldn't do that in production.. I would just do it in post. OH, please if you listen to anything - please listen to this. Watch The Girl Who Played with Fire. I am telling you - visually, this is an amazing reference. Especially the darker scenes.
Turbs, Great reworking. I think that this is a great script. I really like your dialogue. I think that it is actually believable now. I also like how you reveal the twist at the end. I don't know if I like the very ending with her leaving and wondering if they would ever see each other again, it felt upsetting.
FMJ looks good. I think that visually you have some great references to work off of and if you can pull that off its gonna look great!
I liked when it ended on him just exposing himself as her brother and then us not knowing what is going to happen next. I am not sure if this whole explanation thing in the end is really working for you, or rather just being words that are said since the whole story is like WOW. It seems like in the end you want your audience to have a OHHH OK moment, but I do not believe it is working. There are still way too many questions that are unresolved for me and the explanation only made it worse. If I was this girl, I would still call the cops on this guy. He attacked hey boyfriend and tied her up, that's some serious stuff. If the excuse is that she loves him too much, I don't really buy that either. If she loved him that much, she would get him help and not just leave. This guy obviously has some issues, and even if he is simply reenacting an old game, the fact is that his innability to distinguish the results in his actions, or the lack of maturity that he has (that to the level of an 8 year old) screams out HELP ME to the sister.
As far as the look of your film, I think it works. This is obviously a dark movie that you have a intended look for and I think it works. Keep working on it and you'll have something good!
Turbo, Well i guess I am kind of where i was the last time, I get it, I get the story and the point, but I must say that I feel that this is a very dangerous script, meaning that if you make it right, you are a genius, and it will be a masterpiece, unfortunately it is such a dangerous subject in terms of being PC that you could very easily go the other way and make a bunch of people angry.
I think that the script is far improved, and really all I have to say is that its on you to make it happen, its all on how you film it. So good luck I hope that you make it happen.
Yo turbs what’s up? So I didn’t read your second draft. So I feel like the best thing to do in this type of educational situation is to be honest. Now I could be wrong and this is just my opinion but I feel like I would be doing you a disfavor if I wasn’t honest. I don’t know what you want your audience to be feeling during this but what I took away was that you want your this to be a comedy. I never felt suspense or surprise. I think you have some problems. The first being that it will be hard for the audience to believe that Charlotte wont able to recognize Manson. I think your trying to go for a cool twist ending but it may just make your audience hate your movie. The ending is to bazar and too random for me. Like it goes from the movie being funny to trying to be serious and make you feel bad for Manson in one line. When Manson says: MASON (weeping)) I just wanted you to be my sister again. After mom died... I... I... couldn't take it. I couldn't take being there anymore. Too much sadness... Too much grief... I know I shouldn't have left, but I did. That's something I can't take back.
Like I don’t think your audience will feel bad for Manson there only feelings may be like awkwardness. Like I felt really awkward reading this because it comes out of nowhere and the effect it will have will be humor and like what the fuck is this guy doing. I don’t know I feel like your trying to force your story in this movie and it’s not working.
I would cut this line to just why instead of:
CHARLOTTE My mind is racing with so many questions right now but they are all leading me to just one... WHY?
Also why doesn’t charlotte want to help out Manson whe she says, CHARLOTTE (weeping) Even though I want to... I just can't do this right now. It's been way too long Mason. You were gone and... and it's hard to believe that it's you who is standing right in front of me... that you came back. I'm... I'm sorry but I can't stay here any longer... I have to go... 11. He seems like a fucked up kid who had a hard upbringing. I feel like the sister shouldn’t say this. It just seems a little to harsh and doesn’t fit. Again this is just my opinion.
*JUST A FEW NOTES: I've worked long and hard retooling the script to give you this second draft. I'd say about 80% of it has been changed but the overall storyline stays very much the same. I feel that this compared to my last draft was what I was going for the first time but wasn't able to achieve.
ReplyDeleteTurbo,
ReplyDeleteNice reworking of description and dialogue. I especially enjoyed the talks he has with himself towards the beginning of the script. This really develops his character nicely.
I also enjoyed the dialogue between Peter, Charlotte and Mason on the street. It felt real and appropriate.
Towards the end of your script, when Charlotte breaks free and attacks Mason, it seems like an awkward transition to me. I know that she has to find out his identity somehow, but I felt by escaping and attacking him, she strips him of his power and mystique. Just a thought.
I like the imagery of Mason being left in the dark as the film ends, but I honestly did not see that coming. Is there no hope for this guy? I feel sorry for him is all.
Really cool vision all around. Nice additions to your story.
Neal
Turbizzle,
ReplyDeleteI think the first 9 pages were greatly improved from the first draft. Makes much more sense for him to pretend he's a villain and it's much more understandable. I think you need a quick sentence in the beginning that says that he's a little off because without that I don't think the reader would understand that he's mentally handicapped. Except for that the only changes I would suggest for the first 9 pages is take away Peter finding this guy funny. What if he saw him as a threat? He could be a crazy homeless guy or drug addict but Peter seems to just laugh about it with him as if he was at comic con and not in an alleyway at night.
His lines are believable for his character because he is trying to sound like the comic books but the other character should talk more like regular people in my opinion. Some of the dialogue just isn't believable.
For example: "My mind is racing with so many questions right now but they are all leading me to just one... WHY?" People don't talk like that nowadays. It sounds like a line that would be in Gone With The Wind. But that's an easy fix.
I think you need to do some work on the ending. It seems very forced and it's all explained in dialogue instead of visuals which I think won't really connect emotionally to the audience. It's still coming across as fucked up that a little girl would be into torturing dolls and without a visual to show him running away we don't really understand why he would do it. I would suggest a flashback to put us in the moment so we see the vision you have of them torturing dolls in a way that doesn't look like a little girl gets off to torture.
I also don't really get why she would ditch him. He's an extremely dangerous and unstable person who probably should not be just out there in society with no one to tell him not to do these things. I think a more well suited dilemma for her would be if she had called the cops while he was in the kitchen, the cops show up after she's learned it's her brother, then she has to decide whether she should tell the cops to take him or not... then the dilemma becomes "should I take him into my life as my brother or should I let him go to a facility where they can treat him?"... Then you can have your bittersweet ending by having her let the cops take him away.
Hey Turbo,
ReplyDeleteSo, nice improvements. I agree with David, "I think the first 9 pages were greatly improved from the first draft". However, the end is still weak. Dialogue is beyond forced and I don't think someone who thought they were about to be killed would honestly stick around a listen to this nut job. Personally, I don't give a fuck of who this guy was - as a female I would run the fuck away. However, this leads to more a creative approach to how she figures this all out. maybe he doesn't just fucking tell her in the end! Maybe she figures it out, Maybe only Mason would say something like that, Maybe she finally questions if it is him? I dunno, just an idea. Okay, let's talk about your beautiful fmj. The cinematography is what is going to either make or break this film. "It’s going to be a very dark film (both in tone and lighting). I’m going for a very Fight Club/ SAW feel. The colors will be somewhat muted and focus will be on greens and blues with a high amount of contrast." - I highly agree, this is how I envisioned the film as well. However... I don't want these classic films to limit your vision. Your character is somewhat of a twist on the genre... you might want to start flipping the norms of cinema and tweaking them to your own cinematic advantage. Also... handheld will be good at the time you have listed and I like how you have thought of specific moment where you prefer handhelld.
I would highly recommend getting the 5D over the 7d for your film, simply because of how dark you want this film to be. The 5d can shoot scenes better than the 7d.
I like the Idea of having it look a little grainy but you shouldn't do that in production.. I would just do it in post.
OH, please if you listen to anything - please listen to this. Watch The Girl Who Played with Fire. I am telling you - visually, this is an amazing reference. Especially the darker scenes.
Turbs,
ReplyDeleteGreat reworking. I think that this is a great script. I really like your dialogue. I think that it is actually believable now. I also like how you reveal the twist at the end. I don't know if I like the very ending with her leaving and wondering if they would ever see each other again, it felt upsetting.
FMJ looks good. I think that visually you have some great references to work off of and if you can pull that off its gonna look great!
I liked when it ended on him just exposing himself as her brother and then us not knowing what is going to happen next. I am not sure if this whole explanation thing in the end is really working for you, or rather just being words that are said since the whole story is like WOW. It seems like in the end you want your audience to have a OHHH OK moment, but I do not believe it is working. There are still way too many questions that are unresolved for me and the explanation only made it worse. If I was this girl, I would still call the cops on this guy. He attacked hey boyfriend and tied her up, that's some serious stuff. If the excuse is that she loves him too much, I don't really buy that either. If she loved him that much, she would get him help and not just leave. This guy obviously has some issues, and even if he is simply reenacting an old game, the fact is that his innability to distinguish the results in his actions, or the lack of maturity that he has (that to the level of an 8 year old) screams out HELP ME to the sister.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the look of your film, I think it works. This is obviously a dark movie that you have a intended look for and I think it works. Keep working on it and you'll have something good!
Turbo,
ReplyDeleteWell i guess I am kind of where i was the last time, I get it, I get the story and the point, but I must say that I feel that this is a very dangerous script, meaning that if you make it right, you are a genius, and it will be a masterpiece, unfortunately it is such a dangerous subject in terms of being PC that you could very easily go the other way and make a bunch of people angry.
I think that the script is far improved, and really all I have to say is that its on you to make it happen, its all on how you film it. So good luck I hope that you make it happen.
Yo turbs what’s up? So I didn’t read your second draft. So I feel like the best thing to do in this type of educational situation is to be honest. Now I could be wrong and this is just my opinion but I feel like I would be doing you a disfavor if I wasn’t honest. I don’t know what you want your audience to be feeling during this but what I took away was that you want your this to be a comedy. I never felt suspense or surprise. I think you have some problems. The first being that it will be hard for the audience to believe that Charlotte wont able to recognize Manson. I think your trying to go for a cool twist ending but it may just make your audience hate your movie. The ending is to bazar and too random for me. Like it goes from the movie being funny to trying to be serious and make you feel bad for Manson in one line. When Manson says: MASON
ReplyDelete(weeping))
I just wanted you to be my sister
again. After mom died... I... I...
couldn't take it. I couldn't take
being there anymore. Too much
sadness... Too much grief... I know
I shouldn't have left, but I did.
That's something I can't take back.
Like I don’t think your audience will feel bad for Manson there only feelings may be like awkwardness. Like I felt really awkward reading this because it comes out of nowhere and the effect it will have will be humor and like what the fuck is this guy doing. I don’t know I feel like your trying to force your story in this movie and it’s not working.
I would cut this line to just why instead of:
CHARLOTTE
My mind is racing with so many
questions right now but they are
all leading me to just one... WHY?
Also why doesn’t charlotte want to help out Manson whe she says,
CHARLOTTE
(weeping)
Even though I want to... I just
can't do this right now. It's been
way too long Mason. You were gone
and... and it's hard to believe
that it's you who is standing right
in front of me... that you came
back. I'm... I'm sorry but I can't
stay here any longer... I have to
go...
11.
He seems like a fucked up kid who had a hard upbringing. I feel like the sister shouldn’t say this. It just seems a little to harsh and doesn’t fit. Again this is just my opinion.