First off I want to say very interesting script, (I am currently doing my own, but If I decide to go the editing route I would love to be your editor). I think that the script is well written, I just have a few complaints in terms of flashbacks, some of the time it took me a moment to realize that something was a flashback. I would say spend a bit more time making sure that it is clear when you cut into a flashback.
Second thing is the ending, I got a bit lost again with what is reality and what is not, Im sure that once it is illustrated in video that it will be easier to grasp but its a bit hard right now. Again I would spend a bit more time making sure that it is clear when it is a flash back and when it is not.
As a whole I would say that the script is good, and that If you keep it as a drama that it could be a very effective and dark film, and a really good film. On the other hand if the rapper comes across as too cheesy it might ruin the film and become too much of a spoof comedy. I would say just focus on keeping it a drama, address the flashback issues and you would have yourself a great film.
FMJ Feedback: I think that visually your FMJ is great, I really like your casting choices as well, I think that if you could get your dream cast that this film would be badass. Also I am very impressed by your set location, I hope that all things workout with the airfare.
I know that we already discussed your film a little bit but this definitely helped me put everything in perspective. As I said before and we talked about, it’s too long. But I remember you saying that you wanted it to be possibly made into a feature-length film which makes total sense. To make it shorter you could possibly change it so that it starts near the middle instead and an outside narrator is explaining what previously happened (like Sam Elliot in The Big Lebowski).
I enjoyed the character development, especially with DBC and everything he goes through in the story. I especially enjoy his overall madness and how it leads him to the ending.
All I can say after reading your script is... What a ride. You seriously had me very focused on what was going on and what was going to happen. In the words of Professor Adam Collis, I felt as if I was dancing with you the whole time and then all of a sudden I was nervous because I did not know the steps. In the end, however, I was satisfied overall with a nice dip in the form of a great resolution to your story.
My initial reaction to the scene in which DBC is shot was not good. I felt as if you were taking a cliche route to this typical self destructive rapper and I felt as if I was going to end up reading the second part of "Get Rich or Die Trying." However, this was not the case as I kept reading. I really liked how him getting shot did not make him "stronger" but rather began a series of personal problems. Because of this, it no longer felt cliche to me, but rather served as an explanation to the events that followed. Similar to this, when Sophie ends up at the hospital, I immediately predicted that he would give up his heart. When the situation arose, I felt like I was cheated out of a good ending. However, once again I was taken in another direction, which I felt was very effective. In a way I felt like I fell into your trap and I applaud you for that.
Overall I think you have a good idea and I am excited to see what you do visually. As a suggestion to consider, I would really take a second look at the mother's character. For me, her character was not as effective as she could be, and rather than imagining a caring mother, I was picturing something out of a Tyler Perry movie. Another suggestion would be to explain the whole "I can die" thing to a greater extent. Although I think I got the overall feel for what is going on, I still have questions about it and may be something that is not clear to your audience.
Lastly I would like to end on the note of religion. I noticed the complete absence of religion in your script and I will assume that this is something done on purpose. However, the fact that a higher being was never referenced or even considered as an explanation by any of the characters made me question the nature of your character. I personally am not big on religion, but I feel it might help your script, or possibly enable it go in another direction if you choose.
Dope script! You're definitely headed in the right direction. I don't know how you're going to shorten this because it can honestly be a feature-length. I was thinking a mix of Seven Pounds, John Q and 8 Mile while reading this. But reading your FMJ, the idea of it being a mix of Inception, that would be epic!
The dialogue was very authentic to me and the story had a great flow about itself with all of the inciting incidents. I think you've achieved most of the emotions you're going for. The only part that threw me off were the flashbacks. How are you going to show that they are flashbacks? I figured they were, but it wasn't as clear. Also, I'm not really understanding the parts where DBC's mother is in the house and again at the end where DBC is outside chilling on the back porch. I have an idea of what you're talking about and I'm sure you know what you're talking about, but I'm not really seeing it on the script.
Overall, I notice some cliches in your script, but I love how it all comes together. For the most part, I feel you're using these cliches effectively. I can agree with Jesus that I knew he'd give her his heart as soon as he was asking the doctor her possibilities though. And maybe that's because I love Seven Pounds. I would disagree w/ Jesus about the mother. You definitely used her effectively and she was very much how a black mother is, which is also depicted well in a Tyler Perry film (although I am not an advocate for him). I don't think Jesus has seen a full Tyler Perry film so disregard his comment please.
Finally, I really love the direction you're taking this story. It's not the typical "Get Rich or Die Trying" BS, but still feels very real. Once you fix the small kinks, I think you'll have one of the tops films in class.
Dope Boy C my main man. The man of the hour. Just kidding. I don’t know what that meant. Yo I liked your scripted a lot. It’s probably going to be the most original in the class for sho.
My main feedback is that it’s a little confusing. I don’t think you properly labeled your flashbacks right (or at least the first one). Sometimes I feel like you are overwriting and not letting the action explain what’s going on.
I’m sorry but I want to be honest; I hate the ending. I’m sorry I don’t like it. It just makes me feel that my main man Dope Boy C is an idiot and hasn’t learned anything. I think you got a great premise great characters but their decisions (especially at the end) are dumb and will only make the audience feel that your characters (mostly Dope Boy C) are stupid. Like I wouldn’t be sad or feel bad for him if he decided to kill himself because lets be real SHE HAS A FIVE-PERECENT CHANCE OF LIVING EVAN WITH HIS HEART. Like I guess that makes us feel that he’s changed and he now has the ability to caring about someone more than himself?
The only reason I’m being so blunt is because I honestly think you can make this really good but I think your ending will ruin it. I also think you’re a smart dude and you have the skill and talent to make this work.
I think I’m shooting in the summer as well so I don’t know if I’ll be able to help out but if I was asked, I would deff fly out to New York to film it. (not because of you or your story but because of the houses we would stay in. Just kidding. I would fly out even if I was forced sleep on the ground beside 50 sweaty malnourished crew members.)
One thing I think you should keep in mind about the revision process is that you normally from the first draft to the second draft many big changes take place. Be open to suggestions and don’t have stubborn mindset. Everything I’ve ever made normally begins as something and changes significantly into something different. I think your premise is good but the story doesn’t necessarily reflect what you’re really trying to achieve. But from what I read you creative and have good writing instincts.
David I love your story, its so unique and different. I like where you want to go with it, to me it's a little confusing with the lives and different universes thing, but I think on film it would look fine and I think you know what you want. I do think the script is a little long for a short film, maybe if you cut down a few scene's to shorten it up it would be a little easier to follow. I also like the use of the flashbacks, but it feels like it gets mixed up in all the rest of the script.
Also, check script page 12 to 13 I feel like there is something missing in between.
FMJ I like your FMJ because it really helped me understand what is going on in the story and helped me grasp who the characters are and more of the story details.
David, You have an incredibly moving script. I enjoyed reading it, but had to re-read the ending a few times to get all the subtle nuances. All of your characters seem well developed, and the storyline is original and interesting.
The only real constructive criticism I can extend is to perhaps develop a motif to employ when you change universes or perspectives. I only suggest this because at some times, the constant weaving of the plot left me behind. If you can clarify this for the audience, then you wouldn't need any motif device. Either way I've admired your films so far, and can't wait to see what this looks like when you're done.
Your journal is organized, concise, and particular. It was insightful to read through it and discover how the ideas developed in your mind, and what your idea of the finished project will is. Well done.
Your story is really interesting and I'm very interested to see how you end up shooting it. I don't think the flashbacks are a problem like everyone else is saying, maybe just add flashback in the slug line to make it more clear when reading the script. Your location for the house looks amazing and should definitely help the film look legit. But again your script is extremely original and unique and I'm excited to see what you end up doing with it.
David- you’ve got some potential here. There are many different levels to this story and if you work on them this can be a great film. DBC is a wonderful character and one that will be fun to develop. Brick and Sophie need to be developed more in my opinion. Mom is quite funny too and I get a good sense of her so far. Some of the dialogue is great, funny and clever (I love the candy bar line); some of the dialogue seems forced and generic, especially when DBC and Sophie are talking. I think it will come; it’s a first draft. My main concern is I don’t follow the rules of the world you’ve created. I got very lost and I don’t think you spent enough time explaining and representing that “past lives/reincarnation” part. It’s kind of important…it’s your whole story! You will lose a lot of folks if you don’t make clear the rules of the world and if you don’t follow them. Case in point: The Bluewater Tale. Since I worked on the film I got it, but I asked a lot of people if they understood and they didn’t. I don’t want that to happen here. One last note, it seems a lot of twists just pop up conveniently (like the cardiac arrest). Audience I think the audience will feel cheated if you just throw in a heart attack during their sexytime. It just comes out of left field. Maybe add a scene toward the middle where we see Sophie worried about Chris and taking heart meds or checking some fancy heart machine she has (I don’t know science or medicine).
Overall I think it’s dope I and I want to go to New York and play with you!
David, loved the story. I was focussed and interested the entire time reading through it. Whether it was his mother getting shot or him hearing Sophie from the hallway, there always seemed to be something bringing him down right after something uplifting had happened. I really felt his struggles and hardship....as well as loneliness. A couple things though, first, I also agree that it was a little confusing towards the end as far as what was reality and what wasn't. That is something I think that will be more clear visually rather than reading it. I think there is a gap between the time he finds out she has a heart attack at the hospital and when he calls Brick. When would he have the time to write all of these notes....?
Okay, so I am sorry David I am not fully done reading through your script. However, I have class so I will post all my thoughts after class tonight. So sorry they will be a bit late
Sorry this is late. I've been in bed all day with a monster headache that just won't die!
Anyway, you have a very unique premise. I like the fact that such a self-centered rapper has this amazing philosophical solution, for lack of a better word, to death and leaving your loved ones behind.
Since it keeps coming up, I wanted to ask a question about your flashbacks. Are you going to superimpose the year or do something visually to imply the time change, e.g., make the image desaturated?
Your FJ is nice and the location of DBC's house is amazing.
Okay, just finished your script and journal. BTW so excited to work with you in New York, finally I benefit from being from rhode island!
I enjoyed reading your script, with it's unique take on afterlife and playing with this idea of celebrity which is a major issue of debate and just conversation in general these days. However, the story needs some tweaking, in my opinion. I am not trying to be harsh, but simply honest about my first impression of reading it. For such a unique story... the love story seems too cookie cutter. Especially when she conveniently ends up needing a heart transplant. I am worried some of the plot points are reading false and forced at times.
FMJ.
The journal is strong. I can't wait to film in the house. Perfect location. Even though it is a longer script, I still believe you can pull it off and well! I like the basic concept in your journal "It's better to have loved and lost then to never love at all", however, the love story seems forced as I stated before so I didn't really care if she died. I think with stronger character development and a better way of making him have to sacrifice for her would lend to a better script
First off I want to say very interesting script, (I am currently doing my own, but If I decide to go the editing route I would love to be your editor). I think that the script is well written, I just have a few complaints in terms of flashbacks, some of the time it took me a moment to realize that something was a flashback. I would say spend a bit more time making sure that it is clear when you cut into a flashback.
ReplyDeleteSecond thing is the ending, I got a bit lost again with what is reality and what is not, Im sure that once it is illustrated in video that it will be easier to grasp but its a bit hard right now. Again I would spend a bit more time making sure that it is clear when it is a flash back and when it is not.
As a whole I would say that the script is good, and that If you keep it as a drama that it could be a very effective and dark film, and a really good film. On the other hand if the rapper comes across as too cheesy it might ruin the film and become too much of a spoof comedy.
I would say just focus on keeping it a drama, address the flashback issues and you would have yourself a great film.
FMJ Feedback:
I think that visually your FMJ is great, I really like your casting choices as well, I think that if you could get your dream cast that this film would be badass. Also I am very impressed by your set location, I hope that all things workout with the airfare.
I know that we already discussed your film a little bit but this definitely helped me put everything in perspective. As I said before and we talked about, it’s too long. But I remember you saying that you wanted it to be possibly made into a feature-length film which makes total sense. To make it shorter you could possibly change it so that it starts near the middle instead and an outside narrator is explaining what previously happened (like Sam Elliot in The Big Lebowski).
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the character development, especially with DBC and everything he goes through in the story. I especially enjoy his overall madness and how it leads him to the ending.
*TURBO
All I can say after reading your script is... What a ride. You seriously had me very focused on what was going on and what was going to happen. In the words of Professor Adam Collis, I felt as if I was dancing with you the whole time and then all of a sudden I was nervous because I did not know the steps. In the end, however, I was satisfied overall with a nice dip in the form of a great resolution to your story.
ReplyDeleteMy initial reaction to the scene in which DBC is shot was not good. I felt as if you were taking a cliche route to this typical self destructive rapper and I felt as if I was going to end up reading the second part of "Get Rich or Die Trying." However, this was not the case as I kept reading. I really liked how him getting shot did not make him "stronger" but rather began a series of personal problems. Because of this, it no longer felt cliche to me, but rather served as an explanation to the events that followed.
Similar to this, when Sophie ends up at the hospital, I immediately predicted that he would give up his heart. When the situation arose, I felt like I was cheated out of a good ending. However, once again I was taken in another direction, which I felt was very effective. In a way I felt like I fell into your trap and I applaud you for that.
Overall I think you have a good idea and I am excited to see what you do visually. As a suggestion to consider, I would really take a second look at the mother's character. For me, her character was not as effective as she could be, and rather than imagining a caring mother, I was picturing something out of a Tyler Perry movie. Another suggestion would be to explain the whole "I can die" thing to a greater extent. Although I think I got the overall feel for what is going on, I still have questions about it and may be something that is not clear to your audience.
Lastly I would like to end on the note of religion. I noticed the complete absence of religion in your script and I will assume that this is something done on purpose. However, the fact that a higher being was never referenced or even considered as an explanation by any of the characters made me question the nature of your character. I personally am not big on religion, but I feel it might help your script, or possibly enable it go in another direction if you choose.
Jesus Quinonez
Breschel the BEAST!!
ReplyDeleteDope script! You're definitely headed in the right direction. I don't know how you're going to shorten this because it can honestly be a feature-length. I was thinking a mix of Seven Pounds, John Q and 8 Mile while reading this. But reading your FMJ, the idea of it being a mix of Inception, that would be epic!
The dialogue was very authentic to me and the story had a great flow about itself with all of the inciting incidents. I think you've achieved most of the emotions you're going for. The only part that threw me off were the flashbacks. How are you going to show that they are flashbacks? I figured they were, but it wasn't as clear. Also, I'm not really understanding the parts where DBC's mother is in the house and again at the end where DBC is outside chilling on the back porch. I have an idea of what you're talking about and I'm sure you know what you're talking about, but I'm not really seeing it on the script.
Overall, I notice some cliches in your script, but I love how it all comes together. For the most part, I feel you're using these cliches effectively. I can agree with Jesus that I knew he'd give her his heart as soon as he was asking the doctor her possibilities though. And maybe that's because I love Seven Pounds. I would disagree w/ Jesus about the mother. You definitely used her effectively and she was very much how a black mother is, which is also depicted well in a Tyler Perry film (although I am not an advocate for him). I don't think Jesus has seen a full Tyler Perry film so disregard his comment please.
Finally, I really love the direction you're taking this story. It's not the typical "Get Rich or Die Trying" BS, but still feels very real. Once you fix the small kinks, I think you'll have one of the tops films in class.
Dope Boy C my main man. The man of the hour. Just kidding. I don’t know what that meant. Yo I liked your scripted a lot. It’s probably going to be the most original in the class for sho.
ReplyDeleteMy main feedback is that it’s a little confusing. I don’t think you properly labeled your flashbacks right (or at least the first one). Sometimes I feel like you are overwriting and not letting the action explain what’s going on.
I’m sorry but I want to be honest; I hate the ending. I’m sorry I don’t like it. It just makes me feel that my main man Dope Boy C is an idiot and hasn’t learned anything. I think you got a great premise great characters but their decisions (especially at the end) are dumb and will only make the audience feel that your characters (mostly Dope Boy C) are stupid. Like I wouldn’t be sad or feel bad for him if he decided to kill himself because lets be real SHE HAS A FIVE-PERECENT CHANCE OF LIVING EVAN WITH HIS HEART. Like I guess that makes us feel that he’s changed and he now has the ability to caring about someone more than himself?
The only reason I’m being so blunt is because I honestly think you can make this really good but I think your ending will ruin it. I also think you’re a smart dude and you have the skill and talent to make this work.
I think I’m shooting in the summer as well so I don’t know if I’ll be able to help out but if I was asked, I would deff fly out to New York to film it. (not because of you or your story but because of the houses we would stay in. Just kidding. I would fly out even if I was forced sleep on the ground beside 50 sweaty malnourished crew members.)
One thing I think you should keep in mind about the revision process is that you normally from the first draft to the second draft many big changes take place. Be open to suggestions and don’t have stubborn mindset. Everything I’ve ever made normally begins as something and changes significantly into something different. I think your premise is good but the story doesn’t necessarily reflect what you’re really trying to achieve. But from what I read you creative and have good writing instincts.
David
ReplyDeleteI love your story, its so unique and different. I like where you want to go with it, to me it's a little confusing with the lives and different universes thing, but I think on film it would look fine and I think you know what you want.
I do think the script is a little long for a short film, maybe if you cut down a few scene's to shorten it up it would be a little easier to follow. I also like the use of the flashbacks, but it feels like it gets mixed up in all the rest of the script.
Also, check script page 12 to 13 I feel like there is something missing in between.
FMJ
I like your FMJ because it really helped me understand what is going on in the story and helped me grasp who the characters are and more of the story details.
David,
ReplyDeleteYou have an incredibly moving script. I enjoyed reading it, but had to re-read the ending a few times to get all the subtle nuances. All of your characters seem well developed, and the storyline is original and interesting.
The only real constructive criticism I can extend is to perhaps develop a motif to employ when you change universes or perspectives. I only suggest this because at some times, the constant weaving of the plot left me behind. If you can clarify this for the audience, then you wouldn't need any motif device. Either way I've admired your films so far, and can't wait to see what this looks like when you're done.
Your journal is organized, concise, and particular. It was insightful to read through it and discover how the ideas developed in your mind, and what your idea of the finished project will is. Well done.
Neal
Your story is really interesting and I'm very interested to see how you end up shooting it. I don't think the flashbacks are a problem like everyone else is saying, maybe just add flashback in the slug line to make it more clear when reading the script. Your location for the house looks amazing and should definitely help the film look legit. But again your script is extremely original and unique and I'm excited to see what you end up doing with it.
ReplyDeleteDavid- you’ve got some potential here. There are many different levels to this story and if you work on them this can be a great film.
ReplyDeleteDBC is a wonderful character and one that will be fun to develop. Brick and Sophie need to be developed more in my opinion. Mom is quite funny too and I get a good sense of her so far.
Some of the dialogue is great, funny and clever (I love the candy bar line); some of the dialogue seems forced and generic, especially when DBC and Sophie are talking. I think it will come; it’s a first draft.
My main concern is I don’t follow the rules of the world you’ve created. I got very lost and I don’t think you spent enough time explaining and representing that “past lives/reincarnation” part. It’s kind of important…it’s your whole story! You will lose a lot of folks if you don’t make clear the rules of the world and if you don’t follow them. Case in point: The Bluewater Tale. Since I worked on the film I got it, but I asked a lot of people if they understood and they didn’t. I don’t want that to happen here.
One last note, it seems a lot of twists just pop up conveniently (like the cardiac arrest). Audience I think the audience will feel cheated if you just throw in a heart attack during their sexytime. It just comes out of left field. Maybe add a scene toward the middle where we see Sophie worried about Chris and taking heart meds or checking some fancy heart machine she has (I don’t know science or medicine).
Overall I think it’s dope I and I want to go to New York and play with you!
David, loved the story. I was focussed and interested the entire time reading through it. Whether it was his mother getting shot or him hearing Sophie from the hallway, there always seemed to be something bringing him down right after something uplifting had happened. I really felt his struggles and hardship....as well as loneliness. A couple things though, first, I also agree that it was a little confusing towards the end as far as what was reality and what wasn't. That is something I think that will be more clear visually rather than reading it. I think there is a gap between the time he finds out she has a heart attack at the hospital and when he calls Brick. When would he have the time to write all of these notes....?
ReplyDeleteIn all, great work.
Okay, so I am sorry David I am not fully done reading through your script. However, I have class so I will post all my thoughts after class tonight. So sorry they will be a bit late
ReplyDeleteSorry this is late. I've been in bed all day with a monster headache that just won't die!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you have a very unique premise. I like the fact that such a self-centered rapper has this amazing philosophical solution, for lack of a better word, to death and leaving your loved ones behind.
Since it keeps coming up, I wanted to ask a question about your flashbacks. Are you going to superimpose the year or do something visually to imply the time change, e.g., make the image desaturated?
Your FJ is nice and the location of DBC's house is amazing.
Okay, just finished your script and journal. BTW so excited to work with you in New York, finally I benefit from being from rhode island!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your script, with it's unique take on afterlife and playing with this idea of celebrity which is a major issue of debate and just conversation in general these days. However, the story needs some tweaking, in my opinion. I am not trying to be harsh, but simply honest about my first impression of reading it. For such a unique story... the love story seems too cookie cutter. Especially when she conveniently ends up needing a heart transplant. I am worried some of the plot points are reading false and forced at times.
FMJ.
The journal is strong. I can't wait to film in the house. Perfect location. Even though it is a longer script, I still believe you can pull it off and well! I like the basic concept in your journal "It's better to have loved and lost then to never love at all", however, the love story seems forced as I stated before so I didn't really care if she died. I think with stronger character development and a better way of making him have to sacrifice for her would lend to a better script