Wow I really liked the story overall. I specifically like the transitions that are used throughout the entire screenplay. Also I am really enjoying your main character and can’t wait to see who you pick to play her. Clara on the other hand still needs some spice to help flesh her out more. To me, she isn’t coming across believable. All of the jokes that you put in are pretty damn funny and I don’t think they need to be changed at all. Nevertheless, just some slight tweaks and this will be one hell of a film!
Very nice Lauren, I definitely think that you have made vast improvements to your script, it looks to me like you have addressed most of the issues that were presented to you in class, this is a huge improvement over the last draft. I would say that the script is ready to shoot. I like that you were able to fix the issues but you didnt lose the overall feel and comedy of the script.
I don't know if it is just me or.....but i cant see you fmj so i cant really comment on it.....
Yay score one for the guys! (joke LOL). But on a serious note, very good work. I think it drags a little bit, but in the end I was really into the story. Although some of the twists and turns are a bit predictable, I still enjoyed the dance until the very end. For starters, this girl obviously has issues. Obviously she has problems with her father, since he is having this relationship with this hot chick. In addition to this, we also find out that the mother lives in Seattle which also causes problems for her. What I am trying to get at is that you have made this character to be very complex and be full of problems, but then does a complete 180 in the end. All of a sudden she no longer wants to mooch off of her friend and she is very humble at the same time. I know jail can change a person, but I don't think that a few hours in a minimal security detention center is going to give her that much of an epiphany.
Going off of what Liz said, I was just frustrated with the character of Mark. I kept trying to figure him out to see if whether the fact that he was a push over was just an act or he was in reality just a tool. In the end, I never really got my answer. I know that feelings lead people to do things, even an educated lawyers, but he just not react consistently. At first I thought he was being passive, making her feel like she was in control, but then he really makes himself vulnerable. As a result, the whole time I was reading your script I was thinking WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS "KID"!
Lastly, I would like to address your character names. Because of your comments in class, I am going to assume that you paid a great deal of attention to this part of your character development. However, I was then just focusing in the significance behind everything, rather than the story. For starters, your choice of Gema. The reference to gems as a valuable item, meanwhile this girl seems to be worthless, was one that I picked up immediately. Next was Care-A aka Cara (or at least that was my way to pronounce it). This character definitely cares about Gema and is definitely accented with her name. These are simply my interpretations of these things and I was just putting them out there so you would know that I noticed, whether it was your intention or not.
Overall great job and I look forward to seeing the rest of your development.
Ps. On a consistency note, in the scene in which Mark is evaluating the lease and the eviction notice, I could not help but to thing that she has already shredded and discarded that.
Good additions to your script, I like how you extended the stills montage, it makes this portion of your short feel like an actual montage instead of just a cut-away.
Your dialogue is developed more, which in turn aids the character development, good job there.
I agree with those who've commented already, in that, I too was upset with how Mark chooses to interact with Gema. He comes off as too nice, an enabler, and basically likes getting used. Which is actually a realistic character because of how people sometimes act in a relationship. I would love to see a character arc regarding his interaction with Gema, but also realize that this might be outside of his defining characteristics.
Really great changes. Her transformation is much much more believable now and I care for her much more. Look through it again to find the typos. I think this could be much better if it was a little shorter. I feel bad because I don't have many notes for this because I feel like all the corrections I had have been fixed. I think a lot of this will come down to acting and directing as far as making the lines sound natural but I can tell you have a good sense of character so that shouldn't be a problem. Wish I could see your vision on costumes and cinematography. Should be interesting for this one.
Lauren, I love the changes! good job! I think your character development is really good and goes well with your dialogue. Her epiphany is clearly shown.
I think you have a good script here. Looks very visually interesting. i would like to see a FMJ though just to help out on style for the the readers.
Wow! I'm very impressed!! GREAT character development, especially on the part of Gemma. I really, really liked her character. Good job with Mark as well, but he can be a bit questionable at times too. Does he take her back at the end? I'm a bit confused there because she doesn't grab the scissors but it fades to black and "scissors cut hair." Also, with Cara being her best friend, I was confused as to why she turned her back to Gemma so fast. To me, Cara seemed like Gemma's one friend that had her back no matter what! So to see her drop off her suitcase was a bit strange and confusing.
Overall, GREAT script and storyline. Although your script is quite the visual, I would love to see your FMJ to bring it more to life for me. And again, I LOVE Gemma's character development- very strong!
Wow I really liked the story overall. I specifically like the transitions that are used throughout the entire screenplay. Also I am really enjoying your main character and can’t wait to see who you pick to play her. Clara on the other hand still needs some spice to help flesh her out more. To me, she isn’t coming across believable. All of the jokes that you put in are pretty damn funny and I don’t think they need to be changed at all. Nevertheless, just some slight tweaks and this will be one hell of a film!
ReplyDeleteVery nice Lauren, I definitely think that you have made vast improvements to your script, it looks to me like you have addressed most of the issues that were presented to you in class, this is a huge improvement over the last draft. I would say that the script is ready to shoot. I like that you were able to fix the issues but you didnt lose the overall feel and comedy of the script.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it is just me or.....but i cant see you fmj so i cant really comment on it.....
Yay score one for the guys! (joke LOL). But on a serious note, very good work. I think it drags a little bit, but in the end I was really into the story. Although some of the twists and turns are a bit predictable, I still enjoyed the dance until the very end. For starters, this girl obviously has issues. Obviously she has problems with her father, since he is having this relationship with this hot chick. In addition to this, we also find out that the mother lives in Seattle which also causes problems for her. What I am trying to get at is that you have made this character to be very complex and be full of problems, but then does a complete 180 in the end. All of a sudden she no longer wants to mooch off of her friend and she is very humble at the same time. I know jail can change a person, but I don't think that a few hours in a minimal security detention center is going to give her that much of an epiphany.
ReplyDeleteGoing off of what Liz said, I was just frustrated with the character of Mark. I kept trying to figure him out to see if whether the fact that he was a push over was just an act or he was in reality just a tool. In the end, I never really got my answer. I know that feelings lead people to do things, even an educated lawyers, but he just not react consistently. At first I thought he was being passive, making her feel like she was in control, but then he really makes himself vulnerable. As a result, the whole time I was reading your script I was thinking WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS "KID"!
Lastly, I would like to address your character names. Because of your comments in class, I am going to assume that you paid a great deal of attention to this part of your character development. However, I was then just focusing in the significance behind everything, rather than the story. For starters, your choice of Gema. The reference to gems as a valuable item, meanwhile this girl seems to be worthless, was one that I picked up immediately. Next was Care-A aka Cara (or at least that was my way to pronounce it). This character definitely cares about Gema and is definitely accented with her name. These are simply my interpretations of these things and I was just putting them out there so you would know that I noticed, whether it was your intention or not.
Overall great job and I look forward to seeing the rest of your development.
Ps. On a consistency note, in the scene in which Mark is evaluating the lease and the eviction notice, I could not help but to thing that she has already shredded and discarded that.
Lauren,
ReplyDeleteGood additions to your script, I like how you extended the stills montage, it makes this portion of your short feel like an actual montage instead of just a cut-away.
Your dialogue is developed more, which in turn aids the character development, good job there.
I agree with those who've commented already, in that, I too was upset with how Mark chooses to interact with Gema. He comes off as too nice, an enabler, and basically likes getting used. Which is actually a realistic character because of how people sometimes act in a relationship. I would love to see a character arc regarding his interaction with Gema, but also realize that this might be outside of his defining characteristics.
Impressive changes, keep up the good work!
Hey Lauren,
ReplyDeleteI unfortunately did not read your previous draft so this was my first time reading it all the way through.
All the the added additions seem to work well. I'm digging the stills montage and think that will be really interesting.
I like the ending and think overall that this should turn out to be an interesting short.
Really great changes. Her transformation is much much more believable now and I care for her much more. Look through it again to find the typos. I think this could be much better if it was a little shorter. I feel bad because I don't have many notes for this because I feel like all the corrections I had have been fixed. I think a lot of this will come down to acting and directing as far as making the lines sound natural but I can tell you have a good sense of character so that shouldn't be a problem. Wish I could see your vision on costumes and cinematography. Should be interesting for this one.
ReplyDeleteLauren,
ReplyDeleteI love the changes! good job! I think your character development is really good and goes well with your dialogue. Her epiphany is clearly shown.
I think you have a good script here. Looks very visually interesting. i would like to see a FMJ though just to help out on style for the the readers.
Wow! I'm very impressed!! GREAT character development, especially on the part of Gemma. I really, really liked her character. Good job with Mark as well, but he can be a bit questionable at times too. Does he take her back at the end? I'm a bit confused there because she doesn't grab the scissors but it fades to black and "scissors cut hair." Also, with Cara being her best friend, I was confused as to why she turned her back to Gemma so fast. To me, Cara seemed like Gemma's one friend that had her back no matter what! So to see her drop off her suitcase was a bit strange and confusing.
ReplyDeleteOverall, GREAT script and storyline. Although your script is quite the visual, I would love to see your FMJ to bring it more to life for me. And again, I LOVE Gemma's character development- very strong!